【英語ライティング】上達のために公開します

英語のライティングスキルを伸ばしたくて、週に数本、250語くらいの英文を書いています。
自分にとって難しいテーマを選んでいることもあり、なかなか上達しません。

言語の種類に関わらず、ライティングを上達させるには
たくさん書くことが重要です。

ということで、ひたすらに書きまくっている日々ですが、
PCの中にただ貯めておくのももったいない気がして、noteに公開することにしました。

以下は私が書いた原文と、
英語ネイティブスピーカーに添削してもらったものです。

Will societies with low birthrates face a crisis in the future?

introduction

原文）Countries that have low birthrates will be worried about many problems in the future. With aging societies, they have major healthcare issues. Also, there are other problems such as younger people's burden and low innovation.

添削後）Countries that have low birthrates may have concerns about many issues in the future. With aging societies, these countries may face major healthcare issues. Also, (Further) there are other considerations such as younger people's burden especially related to low innovation.

problemsの重複利用を避けるために、concerns, issues, considerationsなどに書き換えた方がよい。

body: first reason

First, aging societies with fewer children require more medical care. Although these societies must put in place plenty of medical facilities and staffs, in many rural areas with high aging population, both hospitals and medical workers are not enough. They have fewer young people that work on medical fields, and less budget to employ staffs from other areas.

添削後）First, aging societies with fewer children will/would require more medical care. Although these societies must put in place plenty of medical facilities and staff, in many rural areas with high aging population, both hospitals and medical workers are not enough. There will be fewer young people to work in the medical fields, and less budget to employ staff from other (countries)areas.

staff は複数形の s をつけない単語です。（最近知った）
ちなみにpolice や、media も s をつけません。（同）

body: second reason

Second, a decline in working-age population means that young people have heavier burden to support the elderly who take pension and expensive medical treatments. In Japan, several decades ago, about 10 working-population carried 1 older generation. On the other hand, at present, 2 working-population carry 1 older generation. It may result in overworking for younger generation.

添削後）Second, a decline in the working-age population means that young people have a heavier burden to support the elderly who require a pension to live and need expensive medical treatments. In Japan, several decades ago, about 10 working-population carried 1 older generation person. On the other hand, at present, 2 working-population carry 1 older generation person. It may result in overworking for the younger generation.

a や the の抜けが多いな～！
日本語には冠詞がないから、難しい点のひとつですよね。

body: third reason

Third, it is concerned that societies with fewer young people is not likely to generate innovation. Younger generation tend to use latest gadgets or learn new ideas with interest. Historical innovations have been occurred by these people, and they have enhanced national economies. If there were not innovative younger generation in a society, its economic power would fall behind.

添削後）Third, it is a concern that societies with fewer young people are (or a society with fewer young people is) not likely to generate innovation. The younger generation tend to use the latest gadgets or learn new ideas out of interest. Historically, useful innovations have been created by these young people(no comma) and this has enhanced national economies. If there was not an innovative younger generation in a society, its economic power would fall behind.

「興味本位で」と言いたくて with interest と書いたが…
正しくは、out of interest
with interest は、「利息をつけて」のニュアンスになるのだと思う。
”What does it mean?"と言われた（笑）

conclusion

In conclusion, a society with a low birthrate will bring about huge crisis in the future. Aside from huge medical care, younger population have huge burden to support the elderly and few innovations cause the country to lower its economy.

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自分の復習も兼ねて掲載していく予定です。
英語のライティングを練習している方、一緒に頑張りましょう！