2024/01/21 English

BGM: Silent Poets feat. Terry Hall - Sugar Man

This morning I had the monthly meeting about autism with my friends. At that meeting, I could enjoy the other members' great stories. They taught me about the struggles they have had to open/create their future, and it was really impressive. Therefore I had to look back to me once again - How about me? Should I try to do something/anything new to create my own way, my future newly?

After that meeting, at lunchtime, I said to myself as a monologue. "Oh my..." Indeed, it was a slightly depressive time, but I couldn't stop thinking about it again (yes, the meeting is really meaningful because I can reflect my life from any new viewpoint.) "What am I doing? I am already 49, not so young - do I want to live this life in the same way?" Indeed, this question has been a little bit painful, but not meaningless...

I wrote various pieces of my ideas onto my memo pad in English - and remembered that the things I have been doing have been brought from this meeting (the relationship with the members.) One of them is the trial of reading philosophical books to learn/quest the profound field of philosophy in my own way. I can remember that the comment once a friend gave me, "your ideas are really philosophical!", and it leaded me to try to go on that way.

But - Should I quit the job right now to study any philosophy at schools from now? No need to hurry - I said this to me (because I am really "simple".) This afternoon, I wrote some pieces of ideas onto my memo pad, and also read Nayuta Miki's another book (三木那由他『言葉の風景、哲学のレンズ』.) Like this author, I want to keep on questioning/thinking about my own philosophical issues. About words we use (verbal communications), the world itself, myself (why am I on earth?), etc.

This evening, I read Jean-Paul Sartre's novel "Nausea" once again (サルトル『嘔吐』). I've found that the main character tries to look at this world bravely, really honestly (he seems like a really hi-tech camera which tries to understand this world so clearly.) I want to follow him, and also keep this naive mind as freshly as possible. Then, someday I might be able to achieve my own work (I guess.)