Diary 20240627-20240703

まだまだ寄せては返す気持ちがあるけど、このことのおかげで周りのたくさんの人や出来事や自分の気持ちからたくさんの気づきと学びをいただいていることは間違いなく。insecureな気持ちにウウゥっ、、となることもありますが、割合として感謝の方が増えてきた気がします。大丈夫と安心安全を自分自身に与えてあげられる／受け取ってもらえるまで、あきらめないで一瞬ずつ。

20240627

Finished watching “Interstellar” again at the hotel room. What I love about the film is it’s showing that the future-self is there, helping and guiding myself in their own way, across the dimension. “Make the future by yourself” One of my students happened to write this sentence and that spoke to me something as well.

I’m considering asking my host mother in Portugal again if I can visit them in August, or maybe in fall. If next year would work better, that’s fine too.

20260628

I’m proud of myself finishing the second draft of translation work, accounting task and some other things for work.

It’s been raining almost all day and my emotions still goes up and down. Watched “Inside Out” and cried more than I’d thought. Good movie.

20240629

Nicely busy working at café. I get caught by some awful thoughts sometimes, but I’m trying to be present and appreciate and apologize to my inner self. As A-san said, I should be the protagonist of this life, not someone who is cut off. It’s not like I’ve given up on our relationship at all, but I just want make myself to feel safe and relaxed and hope to end this month with a good feeling.

20240630

I’m glad we were able to bring all those big things (bed frame, mattress, futon etc.) out from the room thanks to my mom’s help. We also went to soba shop, visited family graves and even Omiwa shrine. It was the Oharae day, so it felt good, too.

I also went to cafe cord, showing them my devastating face. The owner said, “Don’t forget what you are. Everything depends on how you are.” Keep yourself together, was what I felt he said.

20240701

Last night, quite suddenly I realized what tortures me the most is my own thoughts. I mean, I kinda knew it, but when I was able to know it’s really just in my head and stop it, I thanked this situation for the first time to have given me the chance to truly realize it.

I was trying to distract myself keeping myself busy, but it just helps me temporarily.  But it felt pretty good when I was able to notice what I was doing in my head and it calmed down. Before, when I asked A-chan, a.k.a. my guardian angel that how could I stop my overthinking habit, she told me just noticing it is enough.

It’s kind of interesting to know that there’re some patterns when I overthink. One is imagining a bad story for me, worrying too much about what I can’t see. Another one is fantasizing a good story out of some expectations.

I’ll keep working on observing my mind.

20240702

Feel down today. Sometimes it’s difficult to stop thinking what he is thinking. It wasn’t a break-up, but a break that we were talking, but he didn’t say we would think about us after a certain time either. He was just being honest and he didn’t really know how he wants to do about anything, but I feel like I was told to be prepared for a breakup, too. I know it wouldn’t change anything of this situation if I talk to him now, so I’ve decided to talk to him again in September if he doesn’t let me know about anything. I just need to spend time as happy as I can until then.

I read some books of “Su-chan”, which made me feel a bit better.

20240703

Had my first drum lesson. It was more fun than I expected. I learned a simple beat and played along with the song that I wanted to play someday. It felt so good and felt like I was only there at that moment. The teacher is very good at making his student enjoy playing. I bought a pair of drum sticks. Also I bought some books for the trip on the weekend. I’m just doing what I felt like doing and cannot help feeling how freely I am living.