Diary 20240829-20240904

モヤっとしたり悲しくなったりムカつく！ってなったり、その場から（気持ち的に）スッと離れることって可能なんやなと思いつつ、難しい時は（離れられるって分かってるけど）今は居てよし！とするのも一つ。大体過去のことを思い出してそうなってるのやけど。あとは、場所を移すことも考えだしたけど、やっぱりこれってただ環境変えて気分一新したいだけでは（そしてそれは今ここでもできる）…となったり、な週。まあでも、わくわくするならやってみてもいいかな、ポルトガルから戻ってどう思うかな。

20240829

Went to some places I’d never been to before today’s class in Kyoto. Felt refreshing and good.

I was amazed by A-san, who has some visions for the future. It’s nice to have something you want to do and feel excited about on the list. I didn’t come up with anything instantly for my work, maybe keep doing classes and translation in style I enjoy the most.

20240830

I went to one of my favorite cafes in Tennoji. Not only they serve good coffee and sweets, but also it’s spacious and has a good atmosphere. I’ve felt this since the day I started to go there, but there’s no other cafes like it… Maybe I’m just being picky.

Some future ideas came. Not sure it works out, but feel excited to think about it.

20240831

Felt a bit down in the morning. Got a text from S-san that she’s opening the cafe tomorrow, so I decided to clean my room in the after noon today instead of tomorrow.

After cleaning, went to cafe braliva for tea break. I go there to have her class almost every other week, but it was nice to spend time there as a customer.

It’s still not easy, but I’m getting better at see my self from a distance when I get caught by some sad or angry thoughts.

I like my life here, but thinking about living in Kyoto city by myself.

20240901

Couldn’t talk about my possible future path with S-san. It’s difficult to predict when I can while its opening time, so I’ll mention it before it opens tomorrow. Nothing’s certain yet, but I feel like it’s about the time and thinking about it too much blurs my mind. When I think about my like in a long span, I think I want to try different jobs and live by myself again now that being with someone isn’t my choice right now. And it feels right to set a certain period. Maybe I just need some change even if it’s a bit risky.

That being said, part of me feels like I’m just tired. But it’s true I try not to take many clients or translation works in order to secure time to work at the cafe.

20240902

I told her about me leaving the cafe at some point and that I wanted the most easiest timing for her.  She was very understanding and compassionate as she always is.

But as I spend a good time there, seeing some familiar faces my decision easily wavers.

I know I’m surrounded by loving kind people and I’m doing just what I want to do. I can be happiest and grateful right here right now.

It’s true that I’m excited about doing something new or living somewhere new. But it’s also because I don’t want to feel like staying at the same place where he hurt me so I want to change the environment. And I know it’s not about environment but the state of my mind that changes. It is my choice whether to stay or not to stay at the negative feeling.

I just want someone who loves me whatever I am, wherever I am, which can be achieved by doing it by myself. It’s just easier to do it when you change everything around you.

Financial worry is one of the reasons that I’m hesitant, too, though.

I’ll see how I’ll be feeling after I came from the trip.

I got a text from T-chan, one of my students that she applied to XG’s concert and invited me to go together if she got the seats. That saved my heart today, too.

I cried in the bath. It feels good to do it once in a while.

20240903

Feel better than yesterday. Whatever I will do, it all depends on how I feel about it.

I’ve been texting with one of my former classmates who I hadn’t contacted for a long time (like decades) and he asked me “So you’re a housewife now?” in a context of “What do you do?”. I was gobsmacked.

I was talking with S-san and N-san about how people have different standards or common sense yesterday, and I felt a connection to that.

Setting that aside, it’s good that I was able to observe myself like “okay, I’m reacting to it like that” even though I couldn’t help telling this to my student and family, and posting on X..

20240904

Had a class, did some shopping, ate lunch, came back and went to the drum class, and then had a medical checkup of my brain.

The pain in the left side of my brain has become much better than a month ago, and the doctor said my brain or the blood vessel around it look good. It was a bit scary, but interesting to see inside of my head. I appreciate them to be that beautiful.