Diary 20240704-20240710

少しずつではあるものの、気持ちが安定してきたというか、どういうベクトルで見つめるべきか腑に落ちてきたので、これは面白いワークかもしれない、という気持ちと、そこに持ってきてくれたEはじめ色んな人や出来事に感謝の気持ち。まだふにゃふにゃしていますが、本当の意味で「自分を見つめる」が出来そうな夏です。

20240704

I was great to talk to N last night. She gave me a lot of wisdom that she’s cultivated through her life. At the same time, it was also kind of shocking to learn something hurtful or unpredicted happens to such person. She made me feel safe and cheered me up a little. I decided to go see her and M in Portugal in fall.

T-chan, too, has been very supportive and sympathetic, sharing her experiences and things (and still tries to use English, too!). I’m truly thankful to her, too.

I sometimes want to contact him and I can, but whether I do it or not, I think it’s supposed to be when I’m feeling fine, safe and relaxed, not when I’m worried about our relationship or I’m insecure.

20240705

It’s too hot and takes my energy away. I got a book that N read to me. I’ll bring it and some other books to my trip from tomorrow.

Still wavering every day if I send E a text or not. Why can’t I just decide not to do it until he texts or end of summer…

20240706

Went to Yamanashi for the first time to see R-san’s exhibition. Thanks to that, I was able to go to Akito Coffee, which I’d wanted to go for a while. The owner, who I’ve seen on magazines, was more friendly then I expected and we had a nice chat. The venue was about one hour drive from Kofu. I could’ve gotten there faster if I use the highway, but it was fun driving local roads, feeling the atmosphere of the place. Mt. Fuji was always there, a bit far away, putting some clouds on its top. Meeting R-san always makes me happy and safe, which is the same feeling that his works has.

20240707

I noticed that I don’t feel like writing that much about what I already wrote and shared on Instagram. Once it’s let out, it’s gone. From the café I went in the morning (called Parlors) to the exhibition at Museum of Contemporary Art Tokyo, I had a good time even though it got so hot that I left for the airport an hour earlier.

I think about feeling safe. It seems like the feeling of safety is the most important thing in my life. That can explain a lot of things about me. Even though I know you can create and be in safety whenever you want, I still look for it in the outside world, too.

I’m now reconsidering about my trip to Portugal in September.. I guess I was tired and also satisfied. Thinking about the long flights (plural) makes me hesitant…

20240708

The price of the ticket is gradually getting expensive and I feel like going, but I’ll buy it when I’m sure about it, after N texts back.

When other people are talking about their kids, especially babies, I always have a mixed feeling. Part of it is the sadness that I’ll never be able to know how it’s like, the happiness of it. Life is not all about it, and there’s not only happiness in it. It’s okay to feel sad about it, but I also need to focus on what I have now, how happy I am.

20240709

I kind of see that how the world is a reflection of your inner world. Or, some people say that the energy you release bounces back to yourself. Also, I understand that you must not try to control the result, but do things that you just purely want to do without knowing how it will result in, just surrender yourself to the outcome. I know it from my experiences, too. I feel like I need to notice (just notice) my innermost feelings more by noticing how I’m judging myself, and how I’m making a deal with myself or set any condition when I do things.

I appreciate that I was able to have classes, having fun, and I did whatever I wanted to do.

20240710

Went out to Nara with I-san for the fist time in about one year. It was nice hearing about her trip to Portugal, and about our host family there. Good to know about them from her viewpoint, and also I appreciate the tips for my trip there. Life offers so many things, both I-san and M-san say. What I can do is not accusing or blaming or looking for the cause in the world outside or others, but just appreciating it and keep listening to myself.