Diary 20240719-20240724

状況を受け止められているような受け止められていないような感じで、まあそんな簡単に切り替えられないわけですが、ひとまずはそのままでいいかなと思います。これも一つの経験、日々をどう生きるかは自分次第だな〜とますます思える（時もある）だけ自分の強さも感じるなど。あとからの学びもたくさんある。内側を見つめるのは引き続き。

20240719

Different waves than before yesterday, but emotions come and go. It was good that we were able to talk for a long time, but I feel there’re some unsolved or cloud-like thoughts in my mind.

On one hand it felt like we can be good friends, but on the other hand I still feel like we could work it out.

For now (evening), I’m glad I feel better than in the morning or daytime.

20240721

I had a good time last night at the event, but forgot to write this and do Duolingo to learn Portuguese, which I’d decided when I was at Tsutaya.

Still emotions swing. Feel depressed to think no one would love a person being depressed like this. Matching apps felt depressing and devastating, too, and thought would be better off being alone the whole life, which makes my heart ache again.

I know what would help me is to choose to move on.

20240722

Glad we had more customers than expected. We never know what happens until the end, the day we die, is too much to say, but it feels empowering to me right now.

The chocolate cake I ate for coffee break was velvety and aromatic and very good.

20240723

Worked quite well, I think. It would sound hard if I lined up what I did today, but doesn’t feel that tough, which I feel very thankful.

I decided to make a closure with E tomorrow. I’m grateful that he agreed to meet me for that.

I still sometimes have a restless feeling or a resist in my mind, but I also feel resilience and a bit of lightness, too.

Found out XG will have some shows in Japan next year. They’re one of things that give me a lot of power recently. Hopefully I can get a ticket.

20240724

Strangely I feel light, after having a talk with E. I leave this feeling floating and will concentrate on myself this time for sure.

In the end, I was obsessed with labeling, craving for the secure feeling you can seemingly obtain by fitting in a conventional form that’s considered “happiness”. Of course it’s fine to pursue that, but I think I prioritized it over E’s feelings. I simply appreciate that we can talk things like that.