Diary 20240801-20240807

新しく始めたこともちょっとずつルーティーンになってきていて嬉しい。世界は優しい、と思うことも多い。過去のことってどんな解釈もできすぎて本当に考えても仕方がないなあと思うことしばしば。わたしの記憶の良さって過去のことをすぐよく考えてたからなのかもしれません（笑）感情もとても大事、でももう少し自分がどんなふうにどんなことに反応しているのか良い悪いなく見られると良いなと思います。

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If the outside world tells your inner self, I guess I can say that it’s filled with kindness and love.

Yesterday and today, too, my student gave me the kindest words that made me cry when I read it. I’ll write it down here to keep it in my mind:

“I believe you are a wonderful woman with a lot of kindness and honesty towards others💞 Whether it’s him or someone else, your partner is lucky to have you!

Have confidence in your bright future!(double peace sign)”

“For example, even when I’m in a mood where I don’t want to see anyone, I can still meet and talk with you. That says a lot about your wonderful personality😄

Perhaps it’s hard for you to see it yourself, but I and the people around you know it, and we all wish for your happiness✨”

I feel extremely blessed to have a person who sees me like that in my life.

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Did my laundry, cleaned my room, found comics recommended by a student of mine at rental comic shop, bought a textbook for leaning Portuguese, and worked at the cafe that opened for night instead of daytime. Oh, and I got a foam roller for exercise. It simply feels nice to do things for myself without overthinking.

Sometimes my mind imagine things that hurt my feelings (even though it’s not happening). Maybe I want to victimize myself? I try to accept my feelings and not to dwell on that thought.

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Doesn’t feel tired even though I came home a bit late last night and drove an hour to work today.

We had an event at the cafe and everyone there was so nice that I really had a good time.

I want to post and share some things on Instagram, but it’s been also nice to use the app as less as I can.

I set the rule that my anxiety won’t turn into reality.

I also try detaching the past as soon as possible and focus on the present that makes the future.

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Feels good I just did what I wanted to do today (including reading all the mangas that I rented!) and also it rained in the evening!

Even though I have work as usual, it feels like a summer vacation.

Noticing how many rules we’d put on ourselves by ourselves.

I’m excited to take extra care for myself, keeping exercising (at my own pace), taking care of my skin, learning drums and Portuguese, watching movies and reading this summer.

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Another good day. Had a good class at with S-san and H-san. H-san told us that types of people don’t change no matter what country or culture or language, based on her experience of living in many places. Also, she said the environment doesn’t decide if the people are happy or not, they choose it. It’s not always easy to choose to be happy, but knowing that we can choose is big. I felt it more believable today.

I brought a shield bug back home. It didn’t leave the windshield the hole an hour drive even though I sped up to 90km/h at one point.. I kind of admire it and decided to take it as a lucky sign.

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I had to loosen my emotional tension so I cried a bit in the morning. Nothing special happened, I just needed to let it out, be vulnerable and week, and feel okay to do it. I felt a bit better after that, but I just need more hugs. I feel like I hugged more when I used to hang around at beyer.

I’m happy to see my students smiling and laughing today as well. I feel nothing but grateful about that.

I just want to delete all pictures that reminds of him, but they’re also my precious memories, so I’m still hesitant. Thinking back the past sometimes hurt me, so I’ll try to look forward, look at things that make me happy, people who make me smile.

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I applied for the dram class that I’d joined for the short summer course. Through the three classes that I took already told me that I’m quite majime who tries to stick to what the teacher tells me and stop trying things that he hasn’t told me yet. But he encourages to do whatever I feel like doing by instinct while I’m playing along with the music. I can’t be that total free ad-rib person, but it feels like it will help to stop my thought-oriented attitude and open up the artistic or wild side of myself.  The system is more flexible than I thought, which was good, too.