Diary 20240711-20240717

外側で起こることは内面の反映、ってすぐ忘れるね！すぐ外側を直したくなってしまう（それも必要な時もある、体調不良とか）し、全部ペーい！とうっちゃってしまいたくなることもあるけど、ちょっと腑に落ちてる部分もあるので生涯学習的に続けてみたいです。あと、ドラムやっぱり楽しいな。

20240711

Went to an acupuncture therapy in the morning. It’s nice that we can talk about self-observation. Before what happened between me and E, I used to look for a cause somewhere outside of me, but now it feels right to think that the cause or reason of everything happens is inside of me. It’s not like I have a problem or I’m blaming myself, more like the opposite, to notice that I’m thinking that I have a problem or I’m blaming myself.

I felt like going somewhere for a coffee break, so my mom and I went to a cake shop that we often went when we were younger. It was fun and nice, but the cake and other sweets on the plate were quite sweet that we got a bit disappointed..

20240712

There was a bit of like an awakening about not trying to control or worrying about what I can’t control in the morning, but I’m caught up with the thought of “I’m incapable of having a child” even though I don’t exactly know if I want one. It got worse listening to the conversation about pregnancy and raising children between a customer/friend and the owner. I can’t join the conversation at all, feeling sad and sarcastic, and I hate it. I know there’s nothing good to do something to fill out the feeling of lacking.

20240713

We were quite surprised and enjoyed the taste of coffee that I bought at Akito Coffee last weekend. And appreciated that we can enjoy the taste and smell and everything the coffee has using our five senses.

When we were talking about every thing happens to take a balance, I said something like “when you felt down, that means you can come up the same amount you fell.” And I also think maybe I’d gone up more than I’d thought so I fell the same amount. Either way, maybe something of my capacity has gotten bigger. Or, I needed to feel down to be able to feel okay or safe or admit that I was happy. The world tried to let me know by creating the situations.

One of our regular customers, M-san told me I looked more beautiful. I guess it was because my skin looked shinier because of the humidity or sweat, but I felt so happy.

20240714

My mood changes daily, which is quite tough. Today’s is because I saw E’s posts and just I couldn’t help speculating his thoughts. It’s kind of like a mental training not to get super anxious or not to deny anxiousness or sadness or upsetting feelings. It’s still hard to see everything happening is a reflection of my inner state. Plus, it’s the fist day of my period and also the weather’s been gloomy and muggy, which made me feel down even more!

20240715

I wished for something different for lunch, then I got onigiri, edamame and eggplant deli. I (We) wished for a squall, then we got one (a bit harder than expected). I felt like the world is telling me that they always say “yes” to what I wish for, and even though there’s a bit of resistance in my heart, I think I can just surrender when things don’t go as I expected. And even when an upsetting thing happens, I’ll try to notice my being and observe it, resonate with it and accept it.

The cafe was nicely busy at the best timing, and I was able to laugh a lot with people I love.

As my mood swings each day, so I’m a bit worried how I’ll be tomorrow, but when it happens, I’ll try to practice what I said above.

Yukari Ishii’s weekly horoscope reading this week gave me a positive feeling, too.

20240716

Quite sleepy. Maybe because I woke up some time in the middle of the night or early morning and maybe because of the period. I appreciate everything went well today as well.

I still feel drawn to what happens in the outside world, searching for reasons or thinking about possible scenarios. Maybe because I feel like everything else is going good, which is an extremely grateful thing, too.

20240717

Threw things in the storage room under the staircase with my mom in the morning. It’s a step for installing a double bed into my room, and making my sister’s room more comfortable.

Second drum class in the late afternoon. Like the first class, I was very concentrated and having fun. Asked the staff how much it will be if I joined the regular class. Most likely to join, but will consider.

Will meet E tomorrow as “friends” for the first time in a month.