Day3-The Hedgehog's Cry

I have bipolar disorder, but for the past few years, I haven't experienced depressive symptoms and have remained in a hypomanic state. During these times, I sometimes feel an overwhelming urge to shout. In fact, there have been occasions when I couldn't suppress it.

This New Year's, I unintentionally raised my voice at my mother. Terribly, I cannot recall the reason why. She was startled, tears streaming down her face as she trembled and said, "I want to go home." Seeing her like that pained me deeply. It seemed she had lost her sense of place and even time. Eventually, she knelt down, pleading with me to let her go home.

I can't help but wonder if this incident accelerated her dementia. Just thinking about it tightens my chest. When I consulted the doctor, he told me that "there is no direct causal relationship between that event and her dementia," but the guilt remains.

In the past, I had also shouted "Get out!" at my ex-wife, which ultimately led to our divorce. Sometimes, I become like a hedgehog, bristling at anything that comes near.

There are times when I fear that no one will accept someone like me. That's why I've dedicated myself to learning about pharmacotherapy and psychological therapies like cognitive behavioral therapy, striving to find ways to control myself. When I manage my medication properly, my symptoms remain stable. However, if I fail to do so, I might end up raising my voice again.

Even so, I believe that "people live within relationships with others." No matter the difficulties, it's important to continue connecting with people. My mother and I may be as different as water and oil. But precisely because of that, I believe there's value in understanding each other and finding happiness together. Like Hegel's dialectic, overcoming conflicts to reach a new horizon—I want to walk that path in my life.