mid march: chestnuts in a petri dish and oolong cha

hello! it is the middle of march. the sun has been waking up, shining longer, and making me happier since daylight savings time ended. I am currently drinking roasted high mountain oolong tea and snacking on goldenberries and chestnuts in a wooden bowl. the taste of oolong tea tastes like home to me…

I went for a mid afternoon stroll (well, more like a dedicated walk because I really walked with purpose!) at a park near my house. I had my noise cancelling headphones on and was listening to my spring playlist. when I reached the park it was so hot that I took my shirt off and decided to continue the stroll in my sports bra to feel like the sun on my skin and let the perspiration evaporate the moment it was produced. at the moment, sade’s music came on (I recently discovered her music and am very much in a vibrant 80s music phase, with a sprinkle of 90s indie trip hop here and there), and with the white, nearly blinding rays of sunlight in my eyes, and the slightly hazy contours of downtown los angeles’ sky line in the upward realm of my vision, and breathing lush grass in the bottom field of my vision, I felt that I had elevated myself into another dimension. I felt a breeze against my skin and I could have sworn it felt like a sea breeze even though I was smack dab in the middle of the city…. it really was one of those days, when I was really doing the most “normal” or “mundane” thing, but the beauty of it all struck me deeply in the moment. it felt like a message from god, reminding me that this kind of beauty is always present around me, if only I can encourage myself to leave the house and take it all in. my actions definitely play a significant role in how I feel, and as easy as it is to say (and of course more difficult to do), I really want to make more of these decisions for myself, to just go out, be present, and enjoy. 

on the other hand, there is a very ambitious side to myself that needs more concentrated focus to sustain itself. it is interesting because I think the way I lead my life now, I am going with the flow most of the time, doing what I enjoy and keeping up with the things I have set up for myself (things I said yes to, like meetings, deadlines, projects, because they felt aligned at the time), but those “bouts of passion” where I feel really driven to do work on my own are sporadic. I suppose it has been helping to involve more people into my work, as I find it energizing to exchange ideas with them, to lead, and to work together. It is too lonely (and boring) to work alone all the time, especially for larger scale efforts. I believe this is the key to moving past inertia— showing up, even if you don’t feel completely ready (because no one is ever completely ready), and trusting that repeatedly showing up instead of being consumed by self criticism on “lack of progress” or “slow progress” is what constitutes sustainable progress at the end of the day, at the end of a week, a career, a life. all we can do is try our best!

… [now on my second cup of oolong tea] …

besides work things (I know this will sound cryptic, but just to document it for purposes of personal posterities, my mind is hovering between and trying to forge clearer connections between the mental health and psychedelics space, the connection between arts and healing (both on a personal and a societal level), justice and health equity as they intersect with these topics, the environment- as in environmental trauma, the environment as earth medicine for collective healing, plants that come from the earth that have spiritual healing dimensions to them, the way that policy and laws support mental health for climate refugees, storytelling for climate refugees in the context of promoting understanding of a human rights angle, participatory public art as a tool for mental health awareness and dialogue, the connections between traditional chinese medicine and ayurvedic medicine to non-drug based approaches for healing, like sound medicine and the chakras, maybe connecting with indigenous psychiatrists to write about or set precedents for the connections between indigenous mental health and the health of the land, seeing if this could be applied in the amazon rainforest to protect their lands from a human rights lens, or the communities in which emerging psychedelic plant medicines may come from)… all these thoughts are hanging as a vast, vague cloud in my mind, very loosely held together by the forces between sub atomic particles. it is as if my intuition tells me that it does all connect, it does all make sense, they are but a series of dominoes wavering in place, waiting to be nudged into motion… I suppose at this point in time I have a feeling that no matter how hard I may try to elucidate these connections, it might just lead me to spin spin spin in more circles and become dizzy and lost. hmm..better leave it up to god, and destiny, and the stars to connect the dots for me when the time is right. I am of the mindset that things will click when they need to!

well anyways, besides work, I have been keen to reconnect with friends and share music with them. we talked about making music together soon on a weekly basis… I’m excited to have a more routine time and place to be able to express myself in that way, and see what organically emerges from it. even if nothing does, the experience of it itself sounds… sacred! I really love to create things, especially with other people. these things truly carry bits of our soul into their form and expression. these things are a beautiful documentation and articulation of a unique kind of time, place, and synergy that cannot be re-created, and I respect it for that quality in itself. also, the kind of music they make is a kind that I admire but haven’t had the chance to create myself, so I am looking forward to opening a new channel in my body to tune into that frequency and let it shape me. such is the power of creation!

anyways, it felt refreshing to extract and detangle some of these thoughts, feelings, and recent memories fresh in my mind. I have a few evening meetings to attend before a simple dinner with my love and perhaps a visit to the climbing gym (and sauna… hehe) sooo…. ciao! until next time~