#30 当たり前という奇跡-12
２００３．１２．２４(水)
今日は，全く待ちに待っていないクリスマスイブです．巷は賑わい，待ち焦がれた少年少女であふれているのでしょう．ここで宣言します，男ぱぐや！来年のクリスマスは必ず意中の女性と一緒にクリスマスを過ごすことを誓います！
さて，そんな決意表明をした今日，久しぶりに兄貴が見舞いに来てくれた．茨城~栃木しか経験のない自分としては，東京に生活の場を構えた人間は，身なりも考えもものすごい変わるんだろうと思っていたのだが，自分の兄貴に関しては，全く変わる気配がない．喋り方は下妻訛りで訛りまくり，髪も染めない．というか，無償ヒゲなのか，なんなのか，一見ただの髭面．全く都会に住んでいる人間とは思えない佇まい．たたずまい
って，こういう漢字になるんですね．パソコンの変換能力ってすごいですね．
勉強せねば．
話が脱線しましたが，いずれにせよ兄貴，頑張れ，弟からもエールを送ろう．
２００３．１２．２５(木)
昨日，日記を書き終えた後，母校野球部仲間の父ちゃん母ちゃんが見舞いに来てくれた．来てくれたのは，登下校を共にしていた奴の母ちゃんと，同じクラスメイトの母ちゃん，それに自分の憧れのヤツの母ちゃんだ．きっと，これが最後の見舞いになるのだろうなと思って話をしていた．なんで最後かって？？それは，今月の３０日に退院予定と言われたからだ．そう，後５日で退院なのだ．後ほんのわずかでこの日記ともお別れになる．たくさん吐け口になってくれたこの存在，本当に大きかった．でも，後数日で卒業になります．長かった．本当に．たくさんの高校生活を代償に，多くのものが得られた．今の現時点で，一般的な高校生よりも，多くの考えを身につけられたのだろうと思う．普通に高校生活を送っていたら，学ぶこともできなかったことを沢山学べたし，自分という存在について考えることもできた．わずか１０数年の人生だけど，この１年は本当に多くのことを学べた期間だった．この経験を無駄にしないためにもしっかりと考えながら今後の人生を歩んでいこう．あと数日，後悔しない病院生活を送ります．
２００３．１２．３０(火)
いよいよ，この長い日記ともお別れとなります．本日をもって，私，新生ぱぐやは退院します．約１年間，入院生活を送ってきましたが，ついに，終止符が打たれます．
今思えば，長かったようで，短い入院生活でした．ありのままをこの日記に綴ってきました．入院直後の心境から，看護師さんへの恋心，青春謳歌の不完全燃焼．たくさんの感情が生まれた期間となりました．その多くを病室で過ごし，これまで考えてもみなかったようなことを考え，悩み，葛藤して，自分は今後どのようにして生きていかなければならないのか，本当に悩んだ期間となりました．両親を含め，家族には本当に心配をかけました．仲間たちからは勇気をもらい，そのお返しに病室から普通のありがたみを訴えました．なぜ，ここまで苦労をして生きるのか，なぜ，自分が病気になったのか，その答えはまだわかりません．でも，この病気がもたらしたことは，とても大きなものであったことと思います．でなければ，悔やんでも悔やみきれません．だから，自分は，“普通”でいることのありがたみをわきまえつつ，絶対後悔しない人生を送りたい．そして，必ず人のためになる職につき，多くの幸せを運べる人間になりたい．どんなに時間がかかってもいい．どんなに苦労したっていい．人のためになるのであれば，どんな努力だってする覚悟だ．
将来，妻となる女性が現れたら，子供を得られることは難しいこともしっかりと伝えよう．
そしてそのぶん，感情を直接口で伝えようと思う．限りある人生，多くの人たちのために，この命をふんだんに使っていこう．ここまで支えてくれた家族，親戚，友人，仲間たち，本当にありがとうございました．
いつか，きっと恩返しをしますので，それまでしばらく，お待ちいただけたらと思います．
約１年もの期間，本当にありがとうございました．
それでは，しばし，失礼いたします．
December 24, 2003 (Wednesday)
Today is the much-anticipated Christmas Eve. The streets must be crowded with boys and girls, eagerly waiting for it. Here I declare, Paguya the man! I promise to spend Christmas next year with the woman of my dreams!
Well, today, after making such a declaration of determination, my brother came to visit me for the first time in a while. Having only lived in Ibaraki and Tochigi, I had assumed that people who set up their lives in Tokyo would change their appearance and thoughts drastically, but as for my brother, he shows no sign of change at all. He speaks with an accent that is all over the place, and he doesn't dye his hair. He doesn't dye his hair, or maybe it's the free beard, or whatever it is, but at first glance he just has a beard. It is hard to believe that he is a city dweller at all. I didn't realize that the kanji for the word “appearance” was written in such a way. The conversion capability of computers is amazing. I must study it.
I digress, but anyway, good luck, brother!
December 25, 2003 (Thursday)
Yesterday, after I finished writing my diary, the father and mother of a member of the baseball team of my alma mater came to visit me. They were the mother of a guy I used to go to and from school with, the mother of a classmate of mine, and the mother of a guy I admire. I was thinking that this would probably be the last time I would visit him. Why last? Because I was told that she is scheduled to be discharged from the hospital on the 30th of this month. That's right, she will be discharged from the hospital in five days. In just a few days, I will say goodbye to this diary. This diary has been a great outlet for me.
But I will graduate in a few days. It's been a long time. Really. I have gained a lot of things at the cost of a lot of high school life. At this point in time, I think I've learned more than the average high school student. I have learned many things that I would not have learned if I had lived a normal high school life, and I have been able to think about my own existence. Although I have only lived for a little more than ten years, I have learned so much in this one year. I will not let this experience go to waste, and I will think about it carefully as I move forward in my life. I will spend the next few days in the hospital with no regrets.
December 30, 2003 (Tuesday)
Finally, I have to say goodbye to this long diary. As of today, I, the new Paguya, will be discharged from the hospital. I have been in the hospital for about a year, but it will finally come to an end.
Looking back, it was a long but short stay in the hospital. I have kept this diary as it was. From my feelings immediately after hospitalization, to my love for the nurses, to the incompleteness of my adolescent life. It was a period when many emotions were born. I spent much of it in the hospital room, thinking about things I had never thought about before, worrying and struggling, and really worrying about how I should live my life in the future.
I really worried about my family, including my parents. My friends gave me courage, and in return, I expressed my gratitude for normalcy from my hospital room. I still don't know the answer to the question of why I had to go through so much trouble to live, or why I became ill.
But I know that this illness has brought me a great deal. Otherwise, I would have no regrets. Therefore, I am grateful to be “normal” and want to live a life that I will never regret. I want to be a person who can bring a lot of happiness to others in a job that will definitely benefit them. I don't care how long it takes. I don't care how hard it takes. I am prepared to make any effort if it will be for the benefit of others.
When the woman who will become my wife in the future comes along, I will make sure to tell her how difficult it will be for me to have a child. And I will express my feelings directly with my mouth. I will use my life to the fullest for the many people in my limited life. Thank you so much to my family, relatives, friends, and colleagues who have supported me this far. I am sure I will repay your kindness someday, so I hope you will wait for a while until then.
Thank you very much for your support for almost a year.
Now, if you will excuse me for a moment.