#24 当たり前という奇跡-6

２００３．１２．２(火)
　辛い．辛い．本当に辛い．なんでこんなに辛いんだよ．ちくしょう．負けそうだ．ずーーーーっと気持ち悪い．だるい．痛い．寂しい．採血をしても結果は何も変わらない．上がってこない．ちくしょう．踏ん張らないといけないのに．ちくしょう．
 
２００３．１２．３(水)
　元気がない．どっかに元気がいってしまった．辛過ぎる．今日で移植後１週間を迎えた．M先生の予想通り，移植後１週間は本当に辛いんだ．熱も出てきた．薬も飲んでいるが，口が痛すぎて飲むのも一苦労．毎日毎日がとてつもなくだるい．嘔吐記録も更新中です．喉，どっかいっちゃうぜ．本当に．ただ，気のせいかもしれないけど，少しだけ，本当にほんの少しだけ，昨日よりも気分は優れている気がします．明日，もっと楽になっているといいな．少しずつでも前進できるように，辛抱です．　
 
２００３．１２．４(木)
　今日，個室になってから２回目の教授回診を受けた．１回目は入り口付近で少し話した程度だったけど，今回は直接診察もあった．しかし，なぜかいつも教授回診の時には体調が良い．悪いことではないから別にいいけど，でもいつも来る学生の人たちにとっては「移植って元気でやれるんだ」って思われているんだろうな．それがなんか嫌．ただ見るだけで何にもしない．なんか喋れよ．俺は見せ物じゃないないぞ．物珍しそうに見やがって．早く吐き気おさまれよ，早く出たい．
 
２００３．１２．５(金)
　今日，ある番組を観た．ヒューマンドキュメンタリーというのか，ある個人の人生をドラマにしたものなのだが，実はその人は自分と同じ白血病を患い，若くして亡くなった方だったのだ．この人も，自分と同じ，健康の大切さ，生きるということの素晴らしさを実感していただろう．この病気になって，色々と考えたし，色々と学んだこともあるけれど，やっぱり健康って素晴らしいんだよ．どんなに嫌なことがあっても，健康体でいればまたチャレンジできるし，考えることもできる．でも，１つでも悪い不健康なことがあると，何をしていても，そのことを考えてしまうし，忘れられない．本当に健康って大切だし素晴らしい．退院したら，常人以上に身体に気遣おう．
　少し，集中できる状況ができたから，今日は吐き気があまり気にならなかった．まだまだスッキリしないし，痛いのも変わらない．ただ，少しだけ気持ちは前向きになってきた気がします．

2003.12.2(Tue)
Painful... It's really hard ... really hard ... really hard ... really hard. It's really painful. Why is it so hard? Damn it ... I feel like I'm going to lose.
I feel sick all the time. I feel tired. I ache. I'm lonely.
The results of the blood draws are no different.
It doesn't come back up. Damn it ... I have to hold on ... . Damn ...

2003.12.3(Wed)
I have no energy. My energy has gone somewhere. It's too painful. Today marks one week since the transplant, and as Dr. M predicted, the first week after the transplant is really hard. I have a fever. I'm taking medicine, but my mouth hurts so much that it's hard to drink. Every day I feel incredibly tired. My vomiting record is also being broken. My throat is going away. Really. But maybe it's just my imagination, but I feel a little bit better than I did yesterday, just a little bit.
Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow. I'll persevere so that I can make progress, little by little.　

2003.12.4(Thu)
Today, I had my second doctor's visit since I got a private room, the first one was just a short conversation near the entrance, but this time I had a direct consultation.
For some reason, I always feel better during his rounds. It's not a bad thing, so I don't mind, but I guess the students who always come to see me think I'm fine for a transplant. I don't like that. They just look and do nothing. Talk to me.... I'm not for show.
You look at me like I'm a curiosity. I can't wait to get out of here.

2003.12.5(Fri)
Today, I watched a program. It was a human documentary, or a drama about the life of an individual, who had the same leukemia as myself and died at a young age. This person, like myself, must have realized the importance of health and the beauty of life.
I have thought a lot about this disease and learned a lot, but health is wonderful. No matter how bad things may be, if you are healthy, you can try again, and you can think again.
However, if I have even one bad, unhealthy thing, I think about it no matter what I do, and I can't forget it. Health is really important and wonderful. When I get out of the hospital, I will take better care of myself than most people do.　I've been able to concentrate a little more, so the nausea hasn't bothered me as much today. I still don't feel great, and the pain is still the same.
But I'm feeling a little more positive.