Borderland Eng.ver #3 (After the Program - Personal)
Improvement of English
This is a very straightforward point. Since there were almost no Japanese in the program, and since it was an intensive program where we stayed together with other participants 24/7, I was able to use English much more frequent than during my stay in Sweden, where I spent a lot of time alone or with Japanese friends. With proper preparation, I am now able to handle daily conversation, as well as academic conversations and one-to-one meetings with professors, which I would have lacked confidence in a while ago.
Now that it has been a little over 10 days since I returned to Japan, and I am drowning in a swamp of Japanese, I am worried because I have the feeling that my English ability is rapidly declining, but I am confident that I will soon regain the ability I once acquired.
A renewed awareness of the joys and difficulties of cross-cultural collaboration and communication
Especially in the first few days, I felt quite accomplished in my "growth" in communication. Language-wise, I no longer feel much difficulty in communicating in English. Culture-wise, I have unconsciously acquired a kind of knack for speaking to non-Japanese people and having pleasant conversations with them. I also had a sense that I was able to participate in the program and demonstrate my value in a certain way, rather than just keeping up with the conversation and the progress of the program and somehow try to "handle" it. I kept my own reflection diary, and here is part of what I wrote on the second day of the program with the excitement (partially modified, translated).
I feel a sense of fulfillment. If I had been here a year ago, I would have been depressed because I could not have done anything valuable here. I don't feel any resistance to interacting with people from different part of the world anymore, in fact, I enjoy it more than I did in Japan. I think I have grown as a person. Before, I would have been very overwhelmed by the idea of talking to people from different backgrounds and languages, but now I know they are just like me, and I am no longer afraid to speak up for myself. I am able to behave the way I want to behave. And I can afford to be considerate of others. I think the most amazing thing about myself is that I can keep being so natural while demonstrating all that.
I felt a sense of accomplishment, but of course it was only a temporary high at the beginning. As the program progressed, little by little, problems due to the overworking and other issues that had been repressed came to the surface.
For example, I could not keep up in small group discussions. There were many possible reasons (which I also analyzed in the reflection diary): "I could not understand the English in the lecture," "I could not understand the English in the discussion," "I did not have my own opinion on the discussion topic," "The topic was not interesting to me," "I had something I wanted say but could not express myself," "I was tired and sleepy," etc. I was too tired and sleepy. I thought about it a lot, but it was an experience that reminded me of the harsh reality that I hardly uttered a single word in a 15-30 minute discussion.
For another example, I can hardly show my value as an NGO intern in the 2nd-3rd week. At first, I was very determined to do my best, but when I couldn't understand what the other members were talking about and had to make sure, it became difficult to keep up with the communication, which made it difficult to express my own opinions. I felt sorry for not being able to be of help and became more deflated, which made it even harder for me to keep up with the others. Then there were times when I thought I was the only one who didn't understand and let it go, only to find out later that other people didn't understand much either.
Also, there were times when the NGO staff member's request for a task was delayed or ambiguous, and I found myself standing next to other members who were proactively making suggestions, unable to say anything and just going with the flow. To be honest, I was quite disappointed because I thought I had acquired this level of cross-cultural collaboration skills, and it was a small setback for me. Of course, I learned a lot from that experience and from the other members, though.
Then the more personal aspect that was significant was the difficulty of cross-cultural communication. As I quoted earlier, I felt a sense of accomplishment in the first few days when I felt I was "being natural," but after those few days, I began to feel overwhelmed with fatigue.
To begin with, I believe that my personality changes considerably when I am speaking in English with a non-Japanese person and when I am speaking in Japanese with a Japanese person. Simply put, I am more cheerful and talkative (?) when speaking in English. This may be due to the nature of the language, but it is also largely because I am more sensitive to cultural differences. In other words, it is not so awkward for Japanese people to have "time not to talk," whether it is one-to-one or in a group, but especially in Europe (about half of the participants in this program were from Europe) and other foreign countries, the basic value is "If you are with someone and not looking at your phone, you are basically encouraged to participate in conversation". Of course that is not always the case, but I have come to think that way (perhaps more seriously than I should have done), so when I speak with non-Japanese, I subconsciously feel I am being rushed and feel like "I have to say something!", thus trying to force the conversation to continue.
I was also consciously trying to speak a lot. One reason was simply that I wanted to improve my English, and the other was that I did not like the idea of myself avoiding communication by making excuses. In other words, in my case, when I communicate in English, I tend to come up with many excuses to avoid communication, such as "what if I can't speak well", "what if I can't understand", "it takes a lot of my brain to communicate, and I don't want to take all the hassle", and at that time If I choose not to speak (even if I don't want to speak for other reasons), I feel as if I have given in to the temptation to make excuses, and I don't feel very comfortable about it. "If I had to deal with all these doubts and fears, I would rather choose say everything when I was unsure".
Of course, this had its positive aspects, but as a result, I became tired because I could not express myself "as I am," sometimes had meaningless conversations just to keep the conversation going, and my thoughts became shallow because I spoke out without thinking carefully. In hindsight, I think I was far from being "natural" at all.
Of course, I think this is an important lesson to learn as well. I am not a very good communicator by nature, so I hope to grow little by little through trial and error in how I behave when communicating with people from different backgrounds outside my comfort zone.
And it's also worth noting that I had improved my skills to cope with all those stresses. For example, I had been feeling the constant urge to be active and hang out with friends as much as possible, but I sometimes decided to take the complete day off in the weekends and to spend time completely alone, not talking to anyone if I sense that I am drained. After all, this was not my first time that I was forced to face this kind of struggle, and I was able to mobilize all the learnings from the past experiences.
Despite these minor setbacks and reflections, overall it was a very enjoyable period, blessed as I was with the people around me. This is not a diplomatic language at all, but rather a reminder of how thoughtful and pleasant the people around me were. While the program was quite international, there was an imbalance in the number of participants in certain regions and other indicators. However, the participants were all highly capable of imagining and understanding the power imbalances that arise from such imbalances in numbers and the cultural, linguistic, and other barriers felt by minorities, and the sense of inclusiveness for all participants seemed to permeate the entire participant community. I came to admire them and came to think that I also would like to acquire the maturity to be able to naturally care for others in this way. Also, in the sense that more sensitive consideration is required when engaging in research in the Global South, it is not enough for a researcher in this field to be "intelligent" but also to have a mature mentality.
The happiness of finding something I want to be absorbed in (and some caveats)
Now I can clearly say, "This is what I am interested in," but the journey to this point was really long. It took me about two years from the time I started worrying about what I wanted to do. I struggled to find an answer to this question, and even if I wanted to find an answer, I sometimes could not concentrate on it, and I sometimes became skeptical whether it was a good thing to be absorbed into something in the first place. I was so headstrong and critical of everything that I wondered if the day would ever come when I would be able to devote myself to something unconditionally (In that sense, I still cannot say that I am 100% sure. There are many days when I wonder if I am wrong, if this is not the path I really want to take, or the path I should take, and maybe the day will come when I realize that the alternative thoughts like this is actually true). I have even tried to suppress my urge to find something fascinating and make a period of time to empty my head for a while, because I sensed that struggling too much at that time would be counterproductive, which turned out to be a very good decision. The decision to visit Israel and Palestine came at just the right time when I was able to mentally calm down to some extent after that period of time. If it were not for that time, I might not have been able to fully appreciate my experiences there. The experience gradually influenced my thinking, and now, a little over half a year later, it forms the core of my motivation for what I want to get into. I feel that things happened at just the right time and in just the right order. With the help of such coincidences, I think I have managed to find something that I "want to do" in the medium term (it would be a bit premature to conclude that it is the long-term motivation that will stand the test of time). Whatever it is, it is good to have something like that. Probably. I would like to take that happiness to heart and nurture it with a good care.
However, I believe that having something to "get into" also has side effects, and I would like to keep that in mind.
In particular, to become absorbed in something is to lose sight of other things that were visible before. I will tend to lose my broad perspective and to lose sight of where I stand in the whole. The person I was when I wasn't into something tends to be broad and shallow, dabbling in all sorts of things, and this also forms an important part of who I am now. If I forget that when I am absorbed in something and start thinking in a way that undermines the value of things that are not among my interest, or if I become exclusive to information and values other than those with which I am familiar, that is the complete opposite of what I want to happen. I want to keep that in mind.
Also, the value that it is good to get into something is probably only relative. I myself feel that I was able to grow as a person in some ways because of the time I was involved in a wide and shallow range of activities without being absorbed into anything, and I even think that I might be better suited to that way of leading life. And I am sure that I will return to such a phase sometime in the future. Just as a whale that goes deep underwater returns to the surface to catch its breath. Diving and surfacing are part of the continuous process of living, and both are equally necessary.
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