2024/02/22 English

BGM: Tears For Fears - Sowing The Seeds Of Love

Recently I'm finding that I can't have any interest in reading books - and looking/gazing at this room which has really plenty of books. Is this showing that I am becoming/getting aged actually (so-called midlife crisis)? Or I am now depressed at the bottom of my mind, my heart? I can't see - maybe I've been tired of my work or my life itself. That is not a strange thing.

But, although you must think this as a really silly/childish fact, now I'm also feeling that now is the early summer time in my life. Once, when I was a terrible heavy drinker, I had thought that my life had already ended finally, therefore I just had to wait for my final moment. Any happy/hopeful moment must not come, therefore I should die (alone.)

At 40 (9 years ago) I met a great mentor, who suggested me learning English again. From that time, my days of roses without wine has started at last - and now, I am feeling pleasant/cheerful with learning English. Indeed, life is basically not easy (especially, this "autistic" life is like a kind of "hard/terrible mode for enjoying living/playing" for me.) but I can enjoy my learning English with a real/true passion.

Should I try to do any tests/exams in English? But I am not having any interest in getting higher score. For me, I already can have a pleasure by enjoying tiny conversations (so-called chitchat.) In a way, now I have no huge dream/ambition - but never say this is because I'm lazy. Certainly, as I have written, I am never young anymore - so I need to try to start any steady "lifework" besides this action of writing journal.

This evening, I enjoyed the weekly online meeting on Thursdays This time, we the members talked about how to learn English by referring a YouTube video and also Doraemon cartoon (English version.) After that, a pro person who guides various foreigners in Japan as her job came to the meeting, and we did another serious conversation about learning. I actually could feel/see how/what I would need to learn if I tried to work as a pro person. Yes, therefore this opportunity was really provoking for me..