The best choice

Have I ever regretted the choices I've made in my life? I have, many times. That's why I've always tried my best in everything, to avoid regret. Yet, right now, I'm filled with regret. And what's worse is that I still don't know what the best choice would have been.

I'm the leader and vocalist of my band. We have a live performance coming up in winter, and we, as freshmen, decided to make our debut there. Yesterday, we finally had the chance to practice at a live house, and it was the most exciting time I've had since being in the brass band. But the problem arose afterward.

One of the members told us that he couldn't make it to the winter live. He plays bass, and he's essential for the songs we're doing. We had to find a replacement by winter no matter what. After some searching, we found the best candidate and asked the band members if it was okay to ask him. The answer was yes. So, we asked the person, and he said he could do one song.

When I told the band members, they suddenly said, "Maybe it's better not to go with him." Admittedly, he's busy, so we decided to look for someone else. Various ideas came up—people inside and outside the university. Normally, it's not allowed to have someone from outside the university, but we begged the club leader, and as an exceptional exception, we got permission. Many people supported us, and many helped out. Just when everything was ready, someone dropped a bombshell.

"How about we skip the winter live and aim for next year instead?"

I have no idea what they meant. After inconveniencing so many people and using up their time, they now want to throw it all away? Seriously, don't say stuff like that after everything's been decided! There's no going back now!! Of course, I want to perform with the original members too! But wasn't finding a replacement part of that plan?! I'm really demotivated now. Did all my efforts to help everyone just cause trouble for a bunch of people? Give me a break. I don't want to cause any more inconvenience because of me. I really don't want to move anymore. That's how I feel, deep down.

I've thought about what I could've done to prevent this situation from happening, but I couldn't come up with a good solution. Should I have waited longer to invite a stand-in after we decided on one? No, we didn't have enough time for that. Should I have fixed things from the point when they first said they couldn't make it to the live? No, that would mean asking the same question over and over. How paranoid do you have to be?

This time, we really caused trouble for a lot of people, and those people accepted it because they had expectations of us. I'm filled with regret that we ended up throwing that kindness away. The actions I took to avoid regret led directly to it. This is probably the definition of "trying too hard."

Ultimately, the fact that I wanted to sing and that I wanted to perform at the winter live is, at its core, my own ego. The leader's ability is tested by how well they can move things forward with the people around them while pursuing their own goals. I just hope this experience will be useful for my future.