“After My Death”　　　　

“After My Death”　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Tamaco　2024.11

When she lay in her hospital bed, drawing in a sharp, whistling breath—

Oh, it’s over.

That was what Saki thought.

The feeling that had been swirling in her chest—I’m sorry, Mom—began to drift away.

I’m sorry, Mom. I’m sorry for leaving you all alone. I’m sorry.

The monitor’s beeping stopped, and her mother, seated beside her, let out a scream: “Saki!”

Her mother was a hard worker, always worrying. As a single mom, Saki had been her lifeline.

Saki, who had once been a healthy high schooler, fell severely ill one day, and within just six months, she was gone.

She died at the age of seventeen.

Her last month was spent in a vegetative state, almost entirely bedridden.

Once she lost consciousness, Saki couldn’t speak or move, but somehow, she could still see what was happening in the hospital room.

It was strange.

Though she lay in bed, it felt like she was watching herself from a corner of the room.

She had a translucent body, resembling her own. It had a dull sense of touch and could move, though only slightly. She couldn’t leave the room no matter how hard she tried, yet she couldn’t return to her body either.

The Saki outside her body was invisible to everyone, and no one could hear her. No matter how desperately she tried to speak, no one responded.

Am I a ghost now?

Saki was here, yet she wasn’t.

The thought saddened her deeply.

For a seventeen-year-old, reality was unbearably harsh; death seemed almost a welcome release.

Then, without any warning, a voice echoed from above her.

“Hello.”

Startled, she opened her eyes wide, glancing down at herself.

Curiously, even though she was supposed to be fully dead this time, she still had a body.

But this new body was different from the last one.

Her hands and feet looked the same as before, but she was even more transparent now, with a faint glow around her.

She couldn’t objectively understand what was happening to her, but she didn’t feel afraid.

It was as if she had already surpassed the limits of fear.

She became aware that her mother’s sobs had faded away, and the surroundings were softly blurred, hazy.

Somewhere behind her, a gentle light shone.

“Hello!”

The bell-like voice rang out again. She turned to look and saw a small, round figure radiating rainbow-colored light.

It had, rather comically, eyes, a nose, a mouth, and awkward, skinny limbs.

“I am Marcus the Grim Reaper,” it introduced itself cheerfully. It didn’t look like a “Grim Reaper” at all. (Marcus was presumably male, but he didn’t carry the typical scythe or wear a black cloak.)

He looked more like a round, local mascot character.

(Marcus? He looks more like the guy next door, Saito.)

Saito was the neighbor who lived in the apartment next to Saki’s. Male, twenty-eight years old, with a round body and thin limbs. Every time they passed each other in the hall, he was eating a Hiyata cream puff.

“I’m here to help you spend your 49 days in the bardo,” Marcus—now dubbed Saito—announced.

“What’s ‘the bardo’?” Saki asked, mentally adding, (Saito!)

She wanted to avoid anything that seemed suspicious, but there was no one else to talk to, so she had no choice.

“The bardo is the space between life and death. You’ll spend 49 days here before returning to the heavens. By the way, my name is Marcus, not Saito.”

“Wow, I didn’t even say that out loud! Can you read minds?”

“Yes. I’m a Grim Reaper, after all.”

Starved for conversation, Saki wanted to chat, even if it was with a Grim Reaper.

“I’m not really comfortable with foreign names, so… can I just call you Saito?”

“Why, though?” Saito responded with a deadpan expression.

They started negotiating, and after some back-and-forth, they came to an agreement. The Grim Reaper would now be called “Saito Marcus.” Sometimes, it’s good not to get hung up on the little things.

“So, what do you want to do?” Saito asked.

“What do I want to do?”

“It’s bonus time! For the next 49 days, you can go anywhere and see anything, as long as I’m with you. Once you return to the heavens, you’ll only be able to visit the world below when the channels align. So, this is a pretty special deal!”

Saki was stunned, unable to fully process what was going on, let alone believe it.

“So, what do you want to do?” the Grim Reaper repeated.

Even though she didn’t fully understand the situation, it seemed like he would take her wherever she wanted. She couldn’t pass up an opportunity like this.

Thinking it over, she said, “I want to go outside. I’d like to visit my school and see how everyone’s doing.”

She added in a small voice, “And I’d also like to change out of these pajamas.”

“Oh, a special request!” said the Grim Reaper with a flourish. In an instant, he transformed her attire from pajamas to a school uniform. Apparently, this suspicious Grim Reaper could use magic too.

The two of them stepped outside, into a crisp October day under a clear, bright sky.

The scent of osmanthus filled the air, and people bustled around the streets.

In the midst of this ordinary scene, there were plenty of living people—and also the dead.

The dead were easy to spot because of their translucent appearance. People from various times and states were mingling here and there. Some were even bleeding.

Whether it was numbness or simply the fact that she herself was now dead, Saki felt only mild surprise, but little fear.

Some dead people were accompanied by rainbow-like Grim Reapers similar to her own, while others were not.

“Saito, what’s the difference between people who have a Grim Reaper with them and those who don’t?”

“Those without are what you’d call ‘ghosts.’ They’ve left something unresolved and are gathering pieces to free themselves so they can return to the heavens.”

“Pieces?”

“Yes, pieces. Or as you might say, ‘fragments of light.’ Usually, people gather them through self-awareness, but they can also receive them through others’ prayers or love, which arrive as light fragments. Once they have enough, we Grim Reapers come to retrieve them.”

“How long does it take to gather all the pieces?”

“It depends on how they died and how much they left unresolved. Some only take a few years, but for others, it can take up to 300 years.”

“That long?”

“In the end, what they’re doing is much the same as living people. But once you’re dead, well, everything takes longer. They can’t truly connect with others, after all.”

This reminded Saki of the loneliness she felt in her vegetative state, unable to communicate with anyone.

“It must be so lonely, being alone for that long.”

“Oh, they’re fine. They don’t have a sense of time. Besides, there’s something to be said for enjoying a vague, endless hell.”

“Enjoying it?”

“It seems there’s a common misconception that dying means hitting the reset button, but that’s just not true, you know?”

How inappropriate. This Grim Reaper was way too casual, and Saki was starting to feel irritated.

But it would be such a waste! They still have so much regrets left in this world!
You fiercely loved someone, despaired, felt something was missing, maybe even held a grudge. 

We Grim Reapers are made of love and light, but even when we scatter light like this—”

With a twirl, the Reaper scattered rainbow-colored flecks of light all around.

“What it means, I still don’t know. Not really. But when humans are caught up in their emotions, that’s when they’re truly alive, right there in the heart of that wave of love!”

“Well, I’m dead,” Saki muttered bitterly.

“Haha! Right you are. And by the way, I’m not alive, either!” the Reaper laughed, spinning his shimmering, multicolored body, scattering light with a flourish.

Wherever the light struck, flowers bloomed, the green of trees deepened, and a young businessman with a weary look regained a healthy, rosy complexion.

Like some sort of “blossoming grandfather.” Saki found his every gesture annoyingly excessive.

“Oh, and since you’ve got almost no unresolved regrets, you’re practically on the fast track to the higher realms. We could even skip the 49 days if you wanted.”

“I am worried about my mom, though… and the funeral, too,” Saki sighed.

“I understand.”

Saito the Grim Reaper nodded, as if he knew exactly what she meant, and suddenly, with a wave of his stubby arms, he shouted, “Let’s go!”

The space around them shrank in an instant, and suddenly they were at her funeral.

The altar was beautifully decorated, and a solemn monk chanted in a deep, resonant voice. About twenty people were gathered in the room, some lost in tears—her mother, relatives, and classmates.

In the middle of them sat her father, who had divorced her mother a decade ago after endless gambling and repeated affairs. His large frame was hunched over, his face buried in a handkerchief, sobbing uncontrollably.

Dad, you’re being way too loud…

Saki had never told her mother, who had endured so much, but despite everything, she adored her weak, kind, and hopelessly flawed father.

Seeing him now, crying so bitterly at her funeral, warmed her heart. Mom must have told him, she thought, touched. As her gaze wandered toward the front, she caught sight of an enlarged photo of herself.

“What?! Why would Mom use that photo?”

On the altar was a photo of her from the choir     festival, now used as her memorial picture. She’d meant to throw it away because of the strange way she was smiling in it. Saki felt thoroughly deflated.

So much for a perfect ending. Life’s ruined.

And to think she was watching her own funeral. How surreal.

Funerals were supposed to be sad, but maybe because she was the one who had died, she didn’t feel sad at all.

After all, she knew that death wasn’t the end.

She was still here, still watching over everyone.

Floating up by the ceiling with Saito the Grim Reaper, she observed the people below, overcome with grief in their unique ways.

Funerals are nice, she thought.

I never thought that when I was alive!

As the monk’s resonant chanting continued, a new visitor appeared at the reception desk—a man around her parents’ age whom she didn’t recognize.

He looked serious, the opposite of her father’s demeanor. One of her mother’s coworkers called out, “Mr. Tanaka.”

Is he a coworker?

Mr. Tanaka waited his turn, then offered incense and greeted her mother.

?

Huh?

Her mother’s crying grew louder. Could he be someone special to her?

Her intuition as a woman was sharp.

Watching closely, she followed the two as they slipped away, and to her surprise, she saw her mother crying in Mr. Tanaka’s arms, completely breaking down.

Ah. I see.

“Hey, Mr. Grim Reaper.”

“Yes, right here.”

“I’d like to follow that Tanaka guy.”

“Understood.”

And so, the great investigation of Detective Saito Marcus the Grim Reaper and his partner, Saki, began. They trailed Mr. Tanaka from train to train all the way back to his apartment, even sneaking inside to get a sense of his character.

After all, Saki’s mother had an utterly hopeless eye for men.

In the end, however, their investigation revealed that Mr. Tanaka—a divorced, single man—seemed to be quite a catch.

Looks like he’s a good choice.

Mom would cry for a while, but at least she wouldn’t be alone. Satisfied with the result, Saki decided to extend her investigations to her father’s new family as well.

With Marcus’s help, they ventured to her father’s new house, a small single-family home in a residential neighborhood.

In her translucent form, she slipped quietly into the kitchen, where she found her father perched on a chair at the dining table, looking small as he huddled over, snapping the ends off green beans.

By the sink, his young wife was stirring a red enamel pot while talking to a child who looked about eight. Tonight’s menu appeared to be stew.

Back when she lived with him, her father had been so self-important, an unbearable tyrant, and now, he was as docile as a kitten—a change she found amusing.

Good. Dad will be alright, too.

Together with Marcus the Grim Reaper, Saki went around, one by one, resolving her lingering concerns.

At her insistence, the Grim Reaper even took on the appearance of her first crush, Yamada-kun, allowing her to experience her long-dreamed-of date to Enoshima.

Sure, it was a little awkward that the Grim Reaper was inside, but she thought, You have to try everything once.

She also got to see the future of her loved ones in a deserted school.

People she cherished, all living their lives in different ways, across different times.

Rich, multi-layered scenes of time flowed around Saki, like a river.

The world of the living and the world beyond. The world she was now heading to. Multiple layers of different worlds, all overlapping in this same place.

At the same time, Saki realized that the time her loved ones were yet to live—their future—was here too, existing in the same place as the present. They were all together, living alongside her, even if unseen.

If only they could know… she thought. Even though I’ve died, I’m still here, watching over everyone, wishing for their happiness.

But she also knew that her feelings were reaching them, just as theirs were reaching her.

“Alright then,” said the Grim Reaper solemnly.

“Today marks the end of your 49-day bonus time. Saki, are you ready to depart?”

“Yes. I’m fine now. I understand that I won’t really disappear.”

“Exactly. Death isn’t the same as vanishing. The phase simply shifts, and while it becomes harder to make contact, it’s not impossible.”

Saito Marcus the Grim Reaper and Saki exchanged a warm smile.

Marcus’s body began to grow larger, expanding into a sphere. In front of Saki, a sparkling rainbow filled the space.

“This is the entrance. Go on! To your new world.”

Saki stepped into the rainbow body of Marcus, setting foot on the transparent path stretching out before her.

Flowers and stars dotted the path. A vague, dreamlike space stretched on, neither bright nor dark, and her body’s outline gradually began to blur and dissolve once more.

But Saki’s core, her essence, remained. She could feel it resonate in this beautiful space, echoing like a distant call.

Welcome back.
I’m home.
Welcome back.

Voices layered together, filling the air. It was music made of light.

Melodies formed waves, spiraling gently, scattering glimmering notes of various colors through the space.

Sound linked with sound, creating a flowing sequence.

A gentle pulse from within began to speak to Saki. It was no longer a heartbeat—it was a song.

The song of Saki’s soul, the core of her being.

This one, unique song reverberated, resonating with other melodies, crying out with all its might.

Each individual song, each melody and vibration, became notes, became a symphony, and transformed into the radiant bodies of beautiful souls existing here.

I am light from the light, born of love.

The adventure of love discovering itself came to an end, and once again, I became one with the whole.

Every moment of life, I realize now, was always connected to everything, never separate for even an instant.

In this union, we discover how richly fulfilled we are, how complete, and how every moment is perfect. The journey of loss was, in truth, a journey toward true abundance.

On this star called Earth, we met, dancing the dance of life, letting our songs echo throughout the universe.

We may call it happiness, or we may call it sorrow.

We can return to the Source immediately, or take a long time—it makes no difference.

What matters is that every moment of life is love, no matter how you are living it now.

Gather the pieces of love and light. Meet many people, exchange words, laugh, embrace each other.

Sometimes, when crushed beneath despair, head bowed low, yet still, to sing your song—your one, irreplaceable, uniquely yours.

For that purpose alone, I have sent you into this world.