イギリス留学日記 #9 My Thoughts in December~種まきの一歩手前~
How do I let my heart speak?
As I pondered this, the words in my native tongue slipped away.
Yet 'something' keeps stirring, swelling within me, a relentless tide.
If I do not set it free, it will surely tear me apart.
Then—why not write in English instead? These are not the words of a 'Japanese girl', but of another self, waiting to be heard.
In December, I met with Japanese people living in the UK. While I felt my intentions for the next six months were becoming more apparent, I wasn’t ready to share them publicly. That reluctance made me hesitate to write a note for others to read. So, these thoughts will remain intentionally vague, written more for myself than for anyone else. This time, I’ll keep it simple—a stream-of-consciousness record I can revisit when my ideas have turned into action.
December Me:
Week 1: Focused on university assignments.
Week 2: Meeting new people and engaging in conversations.
Week 3: Clarifying the challenges I want to tackle.
Week 4: Exploring London.
Four main themes preoccupied my December thoughts:
#Research, #Projects, #Experience, #Future.
Looking back, I wonder if I was too fixated on that month's future but…
If November was about organizing chaos, December was about choosing a direction to break free from the comfort zone I had created.
People often describe me as energetic. Knowing this about myself, I felt a vague sense of anxiety and impatience back in September, thinking, “I need to do something.” That feeling hasn’t entirely disappeared, but it’s become more focused. Perhaps it’s because I’ve begun identifying the foundation of my determination.
I’ve often thought I was slower than others at getting started. What I once saw as a flaw, I’ve decided to accept. I can’t begin something unless I’ve built a strong will for it. Before sowing seeds, I need time to prepare.
Now, I feel ready to move forward. There’s no point in trying to predict when those seeds will bloom or how they’ll intertwine with other roots. I might have found this uncertainty unbearable a few months ago, swaying between doubts.
This time, however, I feel a sense of growth. I can focus directly on what’s next. Perhaps this is due to my recent mindset shift towards “efficient productivity” or because I’ve started to translate my experiences into structured thoughts.
Yet, as someone who always wants more, I can’t help but fear that my “go-for-it” spirit might fade with time. Is this the so-called stairway to adulthood? The idea of losing that spirit as I grow older feels hollow. While impulsive actions may not always be efficient, they can lead to unexpected discoveries and meaningful connections.
Normally, I’d revisit my December encounters and cherish each memory. The people I met offered signposts to new goals. But now, I need to seek fresh connections without dwelling too long on the past.
One day, I will revisit these scribbled notes and transform them into something tangible—a lasting record of the seeds I planted in December and the way they began to bloom.