#22 当たり前という奇跡-4

２００３・１１．２６(水)
　本日，私は生まれ変わりました．１５時４７分から始まり，２２時４８分までかかりました．合計，１１００CCもの骨髄液が私の体内に入って来ました．たくさんの骨髄液を提供してくれたドナーさんには本当に感謝しかありません．全くの見ず知らずの人間に全身麻酔で数百箇所から骨髄液を提供してくれた行為に，本当に心から深い感謝です．いつしか自分もそういう無償の行為を率先してやれる人間になりたい．また，その採ってくれた骨髄液を電車で一人，取りに行ってくださったS先生にも感謝です．善意で自分の命を救う骨髄液がドナーさんからS先生へ，そして自分へ．そのバトンはしっかりと届きました．今思えば，家族のHLA検査をした時，家族の全員が，そして親戚の全員が全くの不一致で，骨髄バンクへの登録を余儀なくされたけど，こんなに早く移植ができたのは本当に奇跡だし，恵まれすぎているほど恵まれていると思います．同室だった患者さんの中には，発症から数年経っても骨髄バンクで型が合う人が見つからず待ち続けているという方がいた．運という言葉一つで決して片付けられないし，片付けてはいけないけれど，病気になって，こういうことのありがたみを考えれるようになったことは本当に財産です．同室になった患者さんで，すでに亡くなってしまった方もいます．とっても仲良くしてくれた患者さんもいます．治ったら一緒に遊ぼうと約束したのに，もうその人はこの世にいません．そういう世界で今こうして移植できたことは，とても責任を感じます．親戚や家族が亡くなったわけじゃないけど，本当に悲しくて悲しくて，何度も泣いた．看護師さんにも胸を借りた．だから，助かった命は自分以外の人のために使おうと思う．どんな仕事に就くかわからないけど，自分のためではなく，他人のために本気になれる人間になろう．
　主治医の先生と看護師さんが連携して最良の対応をしてくれたこと，そして大切にしてくれる家族がいて，仲間がいて，親戚がいてくれた．幼稚園からずっと一緒だった仲間たちが何度も足を運んでくれて，たわいもない話で勇気付けてくれた．野球部の仲間たちが近況を教えてくれて，高校全体で応援してくれた．樽，たっくん，あっくん，渉くん，ノリ，やぎ，菊池，とし，重來，川越，篠崎，良（全て仮称），野球部メンバー，S先生，Y先生，M監督，Sコーチ，本当に色んな方に支えられてここまで来たんだなと思います．移植が終わり，この後は副作用との闘いです．ここまで乗り越えられたことは本当に素晴らしいことだけど，これからも乗り切れるように，また精神的にも強くならないといけないと感じています．２００３年１１月２６日，ここに第二の自分が誕生できたことを心から感謝いたします．この後も闘病記は本退院まで続きますが，ひとまずの節目ということで，第一の人生が終わったとともに，これらからも頑張って行きます．
　
２００３．１１．２７(木)
　今日は東教授(ここでは白い巨塔をもじって，血液内科教授の回診をこう呼んでいる)の総回診だった．移植後初の回診だった．移植をした患者を数多く見てきた教授からすれば，ここまで元気な患者は見たことがなかったのだろう．入室された時から終始驚いた表情をされていた．その回診で，主治医のM先生が「まだ移植後１日目なので，これから色々とあると思います」と話していた．確かにそうかもしれないと感じた．今日から腹痛が強く，何度もトイレに行っている．その回数はなんと１２回．下痢止めの薬を飲んだものの，全く効いていない．明日は何回行くことになるのだろう．もう切れてはいけないところが切れてしまいます．問題はまだある．味覚がわからなくなってしまったのだ．特にわからないのが塩分．かろうじて甘いや酸っぱいというのはわかるのだが，しょっぱいという感覚がとてもわかりづらい．そしてこの塩っぱさが食べ物の味に大きな影響を与えているということがわかった，じいちゃんが塩分制限の食事をしているが，本当に辛いものだ．美味しく料理を楽しむのに，これからは長く健康に気にかけて頑張っていかないと．改めて，健康の大事さを感じた1日でした．
 
２００３・１１．２８(金)
　今日で移植後２日目となった．感覚的にはすでに１週間は経過しているようだ．それだけ誰もいない狭い環境というのは長く感じるのでしょうか．そして今日は母親から大変ごもっともなことを教わった．それは，皆んながよく言ってくれる「頑張って」の意味だ．その「頑張って」は「“我慢することを”頑張って」ということなんだよということだった．これまで，いろんな人に頑張ってと言われ，次第に何を頑張ればいいんだと思うようになっていった．俺は頑張っていない．ただ，耐えているだけ．ただそれだけ．すごいことをやっているわけではなく，ただただ耐えてるだけ．だってそれしかできないから．そんな時に母親から言われたこの一言は，自分にとってはとても大きな衝撃だった．
　そんな今の自分の状況はというと，まず粘膜障害と味覚障害，消化器症状が強く出ている．口の中には数さえ数えられないほどの口内炎があり，舌があたるだけでも痛みが出て，部分的に治りかけのものが，かさぶたを作るのだが，会話したりするとそのかさぶたが取れて出血．またじっとしていると口が開かなくなってきて，少し無理して会話しようとするとまたかさぶたが取れて出血の繰り返しだ．そこに味覚障害が重なり，やっとの思いで口に入れた食べ物や飲み物なのに，味がわからなくて全く楽しくない．さらにずっと腹痛が続いており，口も腹も痛い．大変です．そして少しずつイライラしてきています．吐き気はないのでまだマシなのかもしれないけど，きっとこれからなんでしょう．病人は．頑張って耐えていこう．
 

Wednesday, November 26, 2003
Today, I was born again, starting at 3:47 p.m. and ending at 10:48 p.m. A total of 1100 cc of bone marrow fluid entered my body. A total of 1100 cc of bone marrow entered my body. I am so grateful to the donors who gave me so much bone marrow. I am truly and deeply grateful for the act of donating bone marrow fluid from hundreds of locations to a complete stranger under general anesthesia.
Someday I would like to be able to take the initiative in such a free act. I am also grateful to Dr. S. who took the train alone to pick up the bone marrow fluid that he collected. The bone marrow donor who saved my life with his goodwill passed the baton from the donor to Dr. S, and then to myself. The baton was firmly delivered. Looking back, it is truly a miracle that I was able to have a transplant so quickly, and I feel overly blessed to have been able to do so.
One of the patients in my room said that even several years after the onset of the disease, he was still waiting for the bone marrow bank to find someone with a matching bone marrow type. It cannot and should not be put away with the word “luck,” but it is truly an asset that I have come to appreciate this kind of thing after becoming ill. Some of the patients who roomed with me have already passed away. There are patients who became very good friends with me. I promised him that I would play with him when he was cured, but he is no longer with us. In such a world, I feel very responsible for being able to do this transplant. Although I did not lose any relatives or family members, I was really sad and cried many times. I cried many times, and I borrowed the nurses' hearts. So I think I will use the life I have saved for the sake of others. I don't know what kind of job I will get, but I will be a person who can be serious not for myself but for others.　
My doctor and nurses worked together to give me the best possible care, and I have a family, friends, and relatives who care about me. My friends, who had been with me since kindergarten, came to visit me many times and encouraged me with casual conversation. My friends from the baseball team told me what they were up to, and the whole high school cheered me on. I think I have come this far thanks to the support of so many people, including Taru, Tatkun, Akkun, Wataru, Nori, Yagi, Kikuchi, Toshi, Shigeki, Kawagoe, Shinozaki, Ryo (all tentative names), baseball team members, Mr. S, Mr. Y, Manager M, Coach S, etc. I am so grateful to all of them.
Now that the transplant is over, I have to battle with the side effects. It is really wonderful that I could overcome the side effects, but I feel that I have to be mentally strong to continue to overcome the side effects. I will continue to write about my battle with the disease until I am discharged from the hospital, but this is a milestone for now, and as my first life is over, I will continue to do my best from here on.　

2003.11.27(Thu)
Today was the general rounds of Professor Azuma (here we call the rounds of the hematology professors after the SHIROIKYOTOU). It was the first round after the transplant. He had seen many transplant patients, but he had never seen such a healthy patient. He had a surprised expression on his face from the moment he entered the room. During his rounds, the attending physician, Dr. M, said, “It's only the first day after transplantation, so there are many things to come. I felt that this might be true.
Since today, I have been having a lot of abdominal pain and have had to go to the bathroom many times. I had to go to the bathroom a whopping 12 times. I took anti-diarrhea medicine, but it did not help at all. I wonder how many times I will have to go to the bathroom tomorrow. I'm running out of steam where I shouldn't be running out of steam.
The problem is still there.
I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste anything, especially salt. I can barely taste sweet or sour, but it is very difficult to taste salty. My grandfather is on a salt-restricted diet, and it's really painful. I have to be careful about my health for a long time in order to enjoy delicious food. It was a day when I once again felt the importance of health.

2003/11/28(Fri)
Today was the second day after the transplant. It feels as if a week has already passed. I wonder if it feels that long in such a small, empty environment... And today, I learned a very valid point from my mother. That is the meaning of the word “Ganbatte” that everyone often says to me. She told me that the word “hang in there” means “hang in there” to “be patient. I have been told by many people to do my best, and gradually I began to wonder what I should do my best for. I'm not working hard. I just endure. That's all. I'm not doing anything great, I'm just enduring. Because that's all I can do. These words from my mother at that time had a great impact on me.　
My current situation is, first of all, that I am suffering from mucous membrane disorder, taste disorder, and gastrointestinal symptoms. I can't even count the number of mouth ulcers in my mouth, and even a touch of my tongue causes pain. When I try to talk, the scab comes off and bleeds. If I stay still, I can't open my mouth, and if I try to force myself to talk, the scab comes off and bleeds again. This is compounded by taste disorder, which makes it difficult to enjoy the food and drink I finally manage to put in my mouth because I cannot taste them. In addition, I have been having abdominal pain all the time, and both my mouth and stomach hurt. It's a disaster. I am getting more and more irritable. I don't feel nauseous, so maybe it's not so bad yet, but I guess it's just the beginning. Sick people.... I'll just have to bear it.