#20 当たり前という奇跡-2

２００３．１１．１９(水)
　今日，初めて放射線治療を受けた．多少のふらつきはあったものの，吐き気やめまいなどはなかった．あれ？という感覚だったが，午後になり，徐々に身体に変化があり，吐き気が強くなってきた．眠気まで．夕飯には病院食ではなく，カップ麺を選び，口にしたが，吐き気が強くなり２口で終わってしまった．美味しいと感じる前に，気持ち悪くなってしまった．たった２口しか食べられずに捨ててしまった．初日でこんな状況になってしまったことに，ショックを受けた．それに，わがままを言ってカップ麺を買って来てくれた親父にもとても悪い気がした．見舞いにも来てくれたのに，眠気と気持ち悪さで見送ることもできなかった．なんてザマだ．たった３日しかやらない治療なのに，１日目でこんな状況とか，本当に先が思いやられる．ひとまず，明日また頑張ります．
 
２００３．１１．２０(木)
　放射線治療２日目が終了．相変わらず食欲なし．食い物は食べられていません．飯の匂いを嗅いだだけで吐き気がする状態．看護師さんにこのことを伝えたら，妊婦さんの経験する「つわり」に似ているね．と言われた．俺は妊婦にならないけど，こんなにも辛いのかと思った．妊婦さんはすごいな．心から尊敬します．今の状態が続くと，いよいよ点滴に頼ることになってしまうらしい．なんとか口から食べたいのだが．．
　ようやく明日で放射線治療が終了する(２回しか受けていないけど)．多くの人は，車椅子で押してもらったり，ストレッチャーで運ばれて行くらしいけど，自分の場合は幸いにも自分の足で行けています．この先もっと辛くなると思うけど，可能な限り自分でできることは頑張りたい．ひとまず，明日を乗り切ろう．
 
２００３．１１．２１(金)
　今日で放射線治療が終了した．吐き気が強い時もあったけど，なんとかこの３日間，吐かずに終わった．ただ，おそらく放射線の副作用と思われる症状だが，全身が異常に痒い．寝る時も寝ていない時もすごく痒い．ちょっと掻くともっと痒くなる．アトピー持ちの兄貴の辛さが少しわかった気がした．
　明日からは抗がん剤の治療が始まる．初めて経験する抗がん剤は，その名をメルファランというらしい．粘膜等の組織がただれて，強い吐き気などの副作用があるらしい．あのメセトレキセートの兄貴？親父？のような存在でしょうか．予防のために今も氷を口の中でコロコロしていますが，どこまで予防できるのか．いささか不安な時間を送っています．
　そんな不安な時に地元中学の同級生が見舞いに来てくれた．本当に頭の良い優秀な仲間たちで，なぜこんな頭の良い連中と一緒にいるのに俺は勉強ができないのだろうと何度も何度も思ったものです．これが移植前最後の面会になるのだろう．移植を気にして見舞いに来てくれた．本当にありがたい．また退院してからもお世話になりますね．よろしくです．それでは，明日に向けて眠りにつきます．お休みなさい．

2003.11.19(Wed)
I had my first radiation therapy today. I felt a little lightheaded, but no nausea or dizziness. I had a feeling of “what's that? But in the afternoon, my body gradually changed, and the nausea became stronger. I even became drowsy. For dinner, I chose to eat cup noodles instead of hospital food, but the nausea became so strong that I finished it after two bites. I felt sick before I could taste them. I threw it away after only two bites. I was shocked to find myself in this situation on the first day. I also felt very bad for my father, who had selfishly bought me cup noodles. He came to visit me, but I was too sleepy and sick to see him off. What a mess. I'm only going to be in treatment for three days, and to be in this situation on the first day is really hard to imagine what the future holds. For the time being, I will do my best again tomorrow.

2003.11.20(Thu)
The second day of radiotherapy is over. No appetite as usual. I haven't been able to eat any food. The mere smell of food makes me nauseous. When I told this to the nurse, she said it was similar to “morning sickness” experienced by pregnant women. I will never be a pregnant woman. I'm not pregnant, but I thought it was so painful. Pregnant women are amazing. I respect them from the bottom of my heart. If my current condition continues, I will finally have to rely on intravenous drips. I wish I could eat by mouth somehow...　Finally, my radiotherapy will be finished tomorrow (though I've only had two sessions). Many people have to be pushed in a wheelchair or carried on a stretcher, but in my case, fortunately, I am able to go on my own feet. I am sure it will get harder from now on, but I will do what I can do by myself as much as possible. Let's get through tomorrow, for now.

2003.11.21(Fri)
Radiotherapy finished today. I managed to finish without vomiting for the past three days, although there were times when I felt very nauseous. However, my whole body has been itching abnormally, which is probably a side effect of the radiation. It itches when I sleep and when I don't sleep. The more I scratch, the more itchy it gets. I felt I understood a little how hard it is for my brother who has atopic dermatitis.　
Tomorrow, he will start anti-cancer drug treatment. The anti-cancer drug, which I am experiencing for the first time, is called Melphalan. It is said to cause sores on mucous membranes and other tissues, and has strong nausea and other side effects. Is it the brother of methotrexate? Is it like the big brother or the big father of methotrexate? I guess it is like the big brother or father of methotrexate. I'm still rolling ice cubes in my mouth to prevent it, but I'm not sure how much I can do to prevent it. I am somewhat anxious about it.　At such anxious time, my classmates from a local junior high school came to visit me. They were really smart and talented, and I wondered over and over again why I could not study with such a smart group of people. This would be our last meeting before the transplant. They were concerned about the transplant and came to visit me. I really appreciate it. I will be back to see you after I get out of the hospital........ Thank you again. Now, I am going to sleep for tomorrow. Good night.