#15 当たり前の価値-2
２００３．９．３０(火)
なんだか最近，暇でしょうがない．なんか楽しいことでもあればと思うけど，やっぱり何にもない．そんなこんなで今は仲のいい患者さんの部屋に遊びに行き，色々な議論をしている．その内容はまた後ほどで．
２００３．１０．１(水)
今日から１０月です．早いものですね．病気になって，春・夏と過ごしました．移植が１１月なので，このまま秋・冬も病人です．今更ながらだけど，本当に予想もしていなかったこの状況．まさか自分がこんな大きな病気になるとは．でも，この病気になったせいで，色々な人たちに出会い，色々なことを学べた．周りは自分よりも数十年長く生きてきた先輩たち．おかしいなと思うこともたくさんあるけど，今の自分からすれば，３０歳，４０歳まで生きれていることが羨ましい．自分はまだ全然わからない．移植が成功しても，その後の副作用で倒れてしまうかもしれない．しかし移植まであとわずかだから，気持ち整えて耐えましょう．もう少し．もう少し．
２００３．１０．２(木)
昨日の採血でついにエンベラがついてしまった．そう，つまり“外出歩くな令”の発令です．下の売店で本を読むこともできなくなってしまった．さらに自由がなくなってしまった．外を見れば憎たらしいほどの快晴です．さらに憎たらしいのは，入院中は晴れるくせに，いつも退院するときは天気が悪い．なんなのでしょう．今の自分の人生は全て病院の支配下にある感じです．全くもって気に食わない．
ただ，今日は良いこともあった．体重が減少し始めたのだ．本当に少しではあるが，６２㎏を切ったのだ．ちなみに今日は６０．９だった．ようやくダイエットの効果が現れ始めたかと感じる今日この頃．６０㎏切るのも間近でしょうか．乞うご期待！
２００３．１０．３(金)
今日は採血日でした．順調に白血球は減ってきています．また，体重も順調に減り，ジャスト６０㎏でした．明日は遂に念願の６０㎏を下回ることができるでしょうか．頑張りましょう．運動も大事ですから，まずはストレッチをしていこう．
２００３．１０．４(土)
今日も憎たらしく太陽が俺たち病人を見下している．なんてたちの悪いやつだ．ちくしょう．こんな憎たらしい感情がある一方で，この天気を喜ぶ人間もいる．高校球児だ．今日は秋季大会の準決勝が行われる．相手は夏の大会であたっており，その際は我が○○が勝利している．しかし何があるかわからないのが野球．
結果は負け．しかもコールド負け．仮にこの後に控える春の大会で優勝しても，春の選抜大会には出られないだろう．残念．しかしメンバーにはすぐに気持ちを切り替えてもらって，練習に集中してほしい．自分も早く治して応援に行かないと．きっとみんな待ち焦がれていると思うから(そう思っているのは自分だけ)
2003.9.30(Tue) I've been bored lately. I wish I had something fun to do, but I have nothing. So I'm visiting a good patient's room and having various discussions. I'll tell you about it later. 2003. 10. 1(Wed) October is here. How quickly it goes by. I spent the spring and summer after I got sick. The transplant is in November, so I'll be a sick person through the fall and winter. I know it's a little late, but I really didn't expect this situation. I never thought that I would get such a serious illness. But because of this illness, I have met many people and learned many things. I am surrounded by senior people who have lived several decades longer than I have. There are many things that I think are strange, but from where I am now, I envy them for being able to live to be 30 or 40 years old. I still have no idea. Even if the transplant is successful, I may collapse from the side effects. But the transplant is only a few days away, so let's get our spirits up and endure. Almost there. Almost there.
2003. 10. 2(Thu) Yesterday's blood sample finally came back with an “Envela” on it. Yes, that's right, a “don't go out” order has been issued. I can't even read a book at the store downstairs anymore. I have lost even more freedom. Looking outside, it's a beautiful sunny day, which I hate. What's even more hateful is that the weather is always fine while I'm in the hospital, but it's always bad when I get out of the hospital. What is it with me? I feel like my whole life is now under the control of the hospital. I don't like it at all. However, there was a good thing today. I started to lose weight. It's really only a little, but it's under 62 kg. It was 60.9 today. I think my diet is finally starting to work...I think I will soon weigh less than 60 kg.... Stay tuned!
2003.10.3(Fri) Today was the day of blood collection. The white blood cell count is steadily decreasing. My weight has also been steadily decreasing, and I weighed exactly 60 kg. Will I finally be able to get below 60 kg tomorrow? Let's do our best. Exercise is also important, so let's do some stretching first.
2003.10.4 (Sat) The sun is looking down on us sick people with hatred today. What a bad guy. Damn. On the other hand, there are people who are happy about this weather. High school ball players. Today is the semifinals of the autumn tournament. Our opponents have played each other in the summer tournament, and our team won that time. But you never know what will happen in baseball.
The result was a loss. And it was a cold loss. Even if we win the spring tournament that follows, we won't be able to participate in the spring selection tournament. It's a pity. However, I hope the team members will change their minds immediately and concentrate on practice. I must get well soon and go to cheer for the team. I am sure that everyone is waiting for them (only I think so).