#7 当たり前は当たり前じゃない-2

２００３．８．２３(土)
　今はまだ午後４時．今日はかなり疲れたのでもう日記をつけてしまう．本日は同じ部屋の人&Hさんで超long talkをしてしまった．この時やっぱり俺はまだガキなんだなと思った．大人の人たちで話していたら，大人の社会では全然通用しないことがわかった．何が通用しないって，考え方だ．正直，結構ムカついた．思わずうるせぇよ！って言ってしまいそうになった．自分が抱えている問題を聞いてもらったのだが，その中で自分の考えを否定され，向こうの考えを押し付けられたのだ．なぜか，自分のことを否定されたような気分になった．でも向こうは遊び感覚で話しているんだろう．けど，こっちとしてみれば腹の立つ話だ．
　話は変わるが最近Uさんが廊下をプラプラしている．このUさんという方は俺が再入院した部屋にいた人で明日が移植という人だ．自分がいずれする移植を明日するんだなんてこんな機会はないと思い，手紙も書いて渡した．今ではすっかり良くなったようで，元気な姿を見せてくれている．今は副作用もだいぶ治まってきているようだが，かなり辛くなったと思う．ただただ関心するだけだ．

２００３．８．２４(日)
　今日はかなり暑い．病室にいるだけなのにかなり暑い．外はきっともっと暑いんだろうな．部屋の温度を下げたいのだが，この部屋の人は皆，俺ぐらいまでの暑がりではないので，あまり温度を下げられない．しゃあないやね．俺が一番年下なんだし．あー，でもやっぱり暑いなぁ．でも薬でくたばってないだけマシだろう．気持ち悪くてだるかったらこんな日記すらも書くのは危ういだろうし．暇でも忙しくてもそう思えることが何よりもの元気な証拠ってことなんだよね．今学生の人たちは夏休み期間だと思うけど部活やってるやつにとってはかなりの正念場だと思う．はっきり言ってここで逃げるやつは結構いると思うし．でももし，やめたらどうなるかなぁ．その場しのぎにはいいかもしれないけど，やっぱり後々後悔すると思う．もし今そう思っている人がいたら考え直して欲しい．そして，忙しいとかめんどくさいって思えるうちが花なんだよって言いたいね．病人になって良くわかったもん．健康体でいた時は「面倒臭い」，「つまらない」とか言ってた．けど，病人になると考えがまるっきり正反対になる．今死ぬほど部活でしごかれたいし，学校では授業も受けたい．しかも９限とかで．そして１授業４５分ではなく，１時間くらいでもいい．また復帰したら考え方が変わるかもしれないけど，とりあえず今はそんな風に思える．
　今，俺は学校に行っている小中高生にこう言いたい．「学校に行けるだけでもありがたいと思え！行ってることが当たり前だと思うな！」って．俺はよくこんなことを言われていたことを記憶しているが，実際なってみないとわからない．俺の性格上，だから言われてもあまりはっきりとは分からなかった．でも今はよくわかる．
　あと，今日は高校の女友達が見舞いに来てくれた．一人は小学校から一緒で，もう一人は高校２年になってから同じクラスメートになった娘だ．元気な時に，よく俺が食べていたプッチンプリンとじゃがりこを持って来てくれた．袋の中には沢山お菓子が入っていて，中にはポケモンだの，クレヨンしんちゃんまで入っていた．部活で身体を大きくすることが至上命題だったこともあり，必死に高カロリーのものを食べていた．それをみていた彼女たちが気を遣って大量のお菓子を持ってきてくれたのだ．その行動は脱帽ものだ．
　話は変わって，自分の病気の話．今日俺の隣のKさんという方のところに移植担当の教授がいらっしゃった．なんだか，９月に予定していた話会をもうちょっと早くして欲しいとのことだった．移植日が早くなったのか，もしかしたらドナーが最後の最後で拒否してしまったのか，全く分からない．言われたKさん本人もそうだけど，周りにいる俺や他の患者さん達も心配していた．早くになっている分には全然良いのだが・・・聞こうに聞けない．．．　　
　今日はなんだか書くことがたくさんある．なんだか最近イライラしている．母親や兄貴つまり家族に対してイライラしている．この前だって母親に耳たぶをなぜかずっと触られていたら無性にイライラして，もうちょっとのところで爆発する寸前まで行ってしまった．同室の人が言うにはこれの原因はストレスの蓄積らしい．俺は今までかなりhardに動いていたし，そんな体に病気のせいで針を常に入れるようになり，さらに病室に閉じ込められて自由を奪われている．確かにそれはあるかもしれないけど，それは俺的にはちょっと違う気がした．少しはあるかもしれないけど，前まではこの長い入院生活をわざとenjoyさせようという気持ちでいたが今は話せる患者さんもたくさんいるし看護師さんとは全員とも話せてムカつく人もいない．お気に入りの看護師さんができるぐらいだ．でも，医者に対しては一人だけちょっと？とくる人がいる．けど，その人とはかなり友達感覚で話せるからそんなには悩みって言うか不安はないと思う．イライラする原因に反抗期という話もある．うん，年齢的にもあるかもしれない．なんなのだろう，この感じは．今日は書きすぎた，もう寝ます．
 
つづく

2003.8.23(Sat) It's only 4 p.m. I'm so tired today that I'm going to write this diary already. I had a very long talk with H-san and a guy in the same room today. I felt like I'm still a kid. I realized that talking with adults is not at all acceptable in an adult society. What is not acceptable is the way of thinking. To be honest, I was pretty pissed off. I almost said, “Shut up! I almost said, “Shut up! I was asked about a problem I was having, and they rejected my ideas and forced theirs on me. For some reason, I felt like I was being denied myself. But I guess they were talking just for fun. But for my part, it was annoying.　On a different note, Mr. U has been walking around in the hallway recently. This Mr. U was in the room where I was readmitted to the hospital, and he has a transplant scheduled for tomorrow. I wrote a letter to him and gave it to him, thinking that it would be a rare opportunity for me to have my transplant tomorrow. He seems to be doing much better now, and is showing us that he is in good health. The side effects seem to have subsided, but it must have been quite painful. I'm just so interested in him.

2003.8.24(Sun) It's quite hot today. It is very hot even though I am only in the hospital room. It must be even hotter outside. I'd like to lower the temperature in my room, but not everyone in this room is as hot as I am, so I can't lower the temperature too much. I can't help it. I'm the youngest. Ah, but it's still hot. But it's a good thing I'm not exhausted from the medicine. If I were sick and sluggish, I wouldn't be able to write even this diary. I think it's the best proof that I'm doing well, even if I'm not busy or busy. I know it's the summer vacation period for students, but it's a critical time for those who are involved in club activities. To be frank, I think there are a lot of people who will run away from club activities. But I wonder what would happen if they quit. It may be a stopgap measure, but I think you will regret it later. If you are thinking that way now, please reconsider. And I'd like to tell them that the time is ripe for them to think that they are too busy or too much of a hassle. I understood that very well when I became ill. When I was healthy, I used to say things like “it's a hassle” and “it's boring. But when you are sick, your thoughts are completely opposite. Now I want to be pushed to death in club activities, and I want to take classes at school. And I want to have classes in school, like 9th period. And not just forty-five minutes a class, but an hour or so. I may change my mind when I go back to school, but for now, that's how I feel.　Right now, I want to say to the elementary, junior high, and high school students who go to school: “I'm grateful just to be able to go to school. Be thankful that you can go to school! Don't take it for granted! I used to be told this a lot. I remember being told this a lot, but you don't really know until you're in it. It's in my nature, so I didn't really understand what they were saying. But now I understand.　Also, my high school girlfriends came to visit me today. One of them has been with me since elementary school, and the other one became a classmate of mine in the second year of high school. They brought me some Puchin Pringles and Jarariko, which I used to eat when I was in good health. There were many sweets in the bag, including Pokemon and Crayon Shin-chan. I was desperate to eat high-calorie foods because my club activities made it my top priority to get bigger. Seeing this, the girls were considerate and brought us a lot of snacks. Hats off to them.　On a different note, I would like to talk about my illness. Today, a professor in charge of transplantation came to see Mr. K, the person next to me. He asked me to move up the meeting from September to a little earlier. I have no idea if the transplant date was moved up or if the donor refused at the last minute. Mr. K himself was concerned, but so were I and the other patients around us. It's all well and good for him to be early, but... I can't even ask him...　　　I have a lot to write about today. I'm kind of on edge lately. I've been irritated with my mother, my brother, my family.... The other day, my mother kept touching my earlobe, and I was so irritated that I was on the verge of exploding. My roommate says this is caused by accumulated stress. I've been moving pretty hard, and now I'm constantly having needles inserted into my body because of my illness, and I'm confined to a hospital room and deprived of my freedom. I guess that's possible, but it just doesn't seem right to me. Maybe a little, but I used to feel like I was purposely trying to enjoy this long hospital stay, but now there are many patients I can talk to, and I can talk to all the nurses, and no one pisses me off. I even have a favorite nurse. However, there is one doctor who is a little bit strange to me. I have a favorite nurse. But I can talk to that person as if we were friends, so I don't think I have that many worries or anxieties. Some say it's the rebellious period that causes the frustration. Yes, it could be because of my age, too. I wonder what this feeling is... I've written too much today, I'm going to bed. To be continued