#21 当たり前という奇跡-3
２００３．１１．２２(土)
本日より，前処置最後の抗がん剤治療がスタートした．昨日までやっていた放射線治療は練習試合のようなもので，今日からの抗がん剤治療が県大会，２６日の移植日が甲子園なのだ．流石に練習試合では，強い吐き気に襲われたが，予想を超えるほどの苦戦はしなかった．しかし，この県大会ではなかなか苦労している．ただ，多くの人は練習試合で相当苦戦するということを聞いていたので，自分の場合はひとまず順調なのかもしれない．明日は準決勝，明後日は決勝です．頑張ります．
２００３．１１．２３(日)
今日，抗がん剤治療の２日目を終えた．やっとだ．でも，前処置する前は「早くやりたい，早く終えたい」って思ってたけど，いよいよあと３日で移植ということを考えると，少しドキドキしてきます．自分はまだ無菌室ではなく，大部屋にいるのだが，同室のおじさんたちは仮退院ではなく，本退院をしていった．IVHを抜き，自由になったのだ．その姿が自分にはとても羨ましく思えた．思わず，「良いなぁ」とぼやいたら，「○○くんは完全に治せるんだから，今だけの辛抱だよ」と言ってくれた．本当にその通りだなと思った．確かに今は辛い．これまでの治療の中でもっとも辛い．だけど，幸いなことに自分はまだ未成年だし，家族も持っていない．この病気は５０歳を過ぎると移植ができない．つまり，根治は不可能ということだ．そういうことを考えると，自分は本当に恵まれているなと感じる．白血球の型であるHLAだって，完全に一致したドナーさんだし，そんなドナーさんを早期に見つけることができた．いろんな人の助けがあって今を過ごせている．この感覚は，きっと多くの人が持てるものではないはずだ．ましてや，年をとって感じるものだろうに，この感覚をまだ２０歳にもならない１０歳代で経験できたのだから，これを生かすことができる期間が十分ある．もちろん，生きていられればの話だから，なんとしてでも生き延びてやるが．明日で化学療法も終わる．頑張ってやろう．
自分のためにも，家族のためにも．では．
２００３．１１．２４(月)
移植前前処置の最終日でした．終わりました，前処置．辛かった．なんだったんだろう，この5日間は．これまでの抗がん剤とはワケが違う攻撃力だった．さすがです．確実に初日よりも体調は悪くなっている．まだ吐いてはいないものの，確実にだるさや気持ち悪さは強くなっている．でも，抗がん剤って，即効性はなく，じわりじわりときいてくるから，今後絶対その時はくるんだと思う．吐きまくって気持ちもめいるんだろう．今の時点で飯を美味しく感じない．今後が心配だ．明日からは部屋を大部屋から無菌室になります．そうです，いよいよ臨戦態勢に入るワケです．頑張ろうぜ，自分．気持ちを強く！！
２００３．１１．２５(火)
今日から無菌室．すごい圧迫感．恐い．もう出たい．大部屋の方が全然良い．この環境で一体どれくらいの期間を過ごすことになるのだろう．明日はいよいよ移植です．万全の状態で迎えます．お休みなさい．
2003.11.22(Sat)
Today, the last anticancer treatment of the pre-treatment started. The radiotherapy that had been given until yesterday was like a practice game, and the anticancer drug treatment from today is for the prefectural tournament, and the transplant day on the 26th is for the Koshien. In the practice game, I had a strong nausea attack, but I did not struggle as much as I had expected. However, in this prefectural tournament, I am having a hard time. However, I have heard that many people struggle a lot in practice matches, so I guess I'm doing well for now. Tomorrow is the semi-finals, and the day after tomorrow is the finals.
I will do my best.
2003.11.23(Sun)
Today, I finished the second day of anticancer drug treatment. Finally. I was thinking “I can't wait to do it, I can't wait to finish it” before the pre-treatment, but now I'm getting a little nervous thinking about the fact that the transplant will finally take place in three days. I am still in a large room, not a sterile room, but my uncles in the same room have been discharged from the hospital, not temporarily, but officially. I was very envious of them. When I grumbled, “That's nice,” he told me, “XX-kun, you can be cured completely, so you just have to be patient for now. I really thought he was right. It is true that I am in pain now. It is the most painful treatment I have ever had.
Fortunately, I am still a minor and have no family. This disease cannot be transplanted after the age of 50. In other words, there is no cure. Considering this, I feel that I am truly blessed. Even the HLA (white blood cell type) of the donor matched perfectly, and I was able to find such a donor early on. I am able to spend my life now thanks to the help of many people. I am sure that not many people can have this feeling. And since I was able to experience this feeling in my teens, when I was not yet 20 years old, I have plenty of time to make the most of it. Of course, this is only if I live, and I will survive at all costs. Tomorrow is the last day of chemotherapy. I will do my best. For myself and my family.
See you soon.
2003.11.24(Mon)
It was the last day of pre-treatment. The pre-treatment is over. It was painful. What was it like these five days? It was a different kind of aggressiveness from the previous anti-cancer drugs. That's what I expected. I am definitely feeling worse than the first day. I haven't thrown up yet, but I definitely feel more sluggish and sick. But I am sure that the time will come in the future, because anti-cancer drugs do not have an immediate effect, but work slowly and gradually. I will probably throw up a lot and feel depressed. I can't taste food at this point. I'm worried about the future. Tomorrow I will be moving from a large room to an aseptic room. That's right, I'm going to be on the warpath. Let's do our best, self.
Be strong!
2003.11.25(Tue)
Sterile room from today. It's so oppressive. I'm scared. I want to get out. I'd much rather be in a big room. I wonder how long I will spend in this environment. Tomorrow is the day of the transplant. I will be in perfect condition.
Good night.