#12 当たり前は当たり前じゃ無い-7

２００３．９．９(火)
　まだ口が治らない．良くはなってきているがまだ完治しない．熱いスープを飲んだらたまったもんじゃない．まだ大好きなコーンスープは飲めない．スッキリしませんね．治療の甲斐あって，僕の白血球ちゃんも順調にお亡くなりになり，徐々に数が減ってきております．その証拠に，枕の後ろには巨大なアイソレーター(空気清浄機)が取り付けられています．はぁ，自由が欲しい．．．
 
 
２００３．９．１０(水)
　今日は，高校の野球部仲間のお母さんが２人で見舞いに来てくれた．変わり果てた自分の姿に驚くそぶりも見せず，以前と同じように接してくれる．カルピスと漫画本を差し入れにと持って来てくれた．話は野球部の話で，近々，秋季大会が始まるとのことだった．もし，病気していなかったら背番号もらえたのかなぁ．マウンド，上がれたのかなぁ．そんなタラレバがつきません．驚くべき差し入れはもう一つあって，同じ高校の卒業生であり，現在プロ野球の千葉ロッテに在籍しているW選手からサイン入りの５勝目ボールを頂いた．こんな境遇にならなければ，まず手にすることはできなかったはず．本当にありがたい．大切に保管します．
 
２００３．９．１１(木)
　今日，輸血用の採血を受けた．輸血用の採血は，一般的な採血とは異なり，静脈ではなく，動脈から採血する．つまり，表面の血管ではなく，深部の血管から血液を採取することになる．担当してくれたのは実習中の医学生だった．主治医よりも上手だった．しかもべっぴんさん．いいですね，女医さん．素敵な存在です．
　さて，採血ついでに白血球の数も調べてもらった．結果はなんと３００．昨日は９００だった．おそらく，今が免疫最低期間なのだろう．明日も採血．明日は上がっていることを祈ろう．
　そんな今，自分がいる大部屋にいる人たちにはほとんどがすでに退院の話が出ている．俺だけがちょっと遅れている．ここにいる人たちは，大好きな人たちがたくさんいる．だから，皆と離れるのはちょっと寂しい．白血球が上がってくれれば自分も退院なのだが，きっと遅れるだろう．
　そして今日，正式な移植日が決まった．○月○日だ．できればもう少し早い時期が理想だったが，しかし決まったことはとても嬉しいことで，とても幸せなこと．最終同意をしてくれた方に，心から感謝したい．ただ，当初はお正月を自宅で過ごしかったが，おそらくそれは無理な希望だろうと思う．当然クリスマスも病院だろう．クリスマスといえば高校の野球部．毎年，我が野球部はクリスマスに合宿がある．そう，１週間の千葉館山合宿だ．この合宿は本当に辛く，体力だけでなく，精神面が強く鍛え直される．チームメイトはこの合宿に挑む．辛いことは目に見えてわかる．でも，俺は病気で辛い．できれば，チームメイトと共に，同じ合宿に参加したかったけど，おそらくGVHDでそれどころではないだろう．高校野球最後の合宿なのに．どんなに辛くても，仲間と一緒だったら挑みたい．手から血が出ても，気持ち悪くて吐いても，仲間と一緒だったら絶対乗り越えられる．もっと仲間と練習して，自分の能力もあげて，試合に出て，背番号をもらって，親に活躍している姿を見せてあげたい．でも，どんなに苦しいことを乗り越えても，もう自分はマウンドに立てない．試合に出ることも，背番号をもらうこともできない．もう，甲子園に行く夢は消えてしまった．移植後は日中での活動を禁止されるからだ．悔しいけど，しょうがない．しょうがないと言い聞かせるしかない．誰も悪くない．だから誰も責められない．この受け入れたくない現実を受け入れなければならない．自分でなんとかしなくてはいけない．誰も助けてくれない．頑張らないと．周りの先生たちが必死にサポートしてくれているのだから．絶対にくたばらないぞ．病気なんかクソ喰らえだ！！病院の移植後退院最短記録を作ってやる！見てろよ，病気の馬鹿野郎！！
 
２００３.９．１２(金)
　採血の結果，白血球３００，赤血球６．２，血小板１．６だった．低い．．昨日から２日連続で輸血をしてもらった．白血球を人工的に増殖させる注射を５日間もやっているのに，この結果．やはり，身体が変化してきているのかな．回復が遅れている気がする．頑張れ，自分．
　そして今日，同室の患者さんが２名外泊に行ってしまった．４人部屋で２人がいなくなると，途端に寂しくなる．しかも，その２人はとても元気でおしゃべりが好きな人たちだったので，余計に寂しい．この日記を書いている今はすでに消灯後であるが，いつも以上に静かで，さらに嫌な感じがする．特別霊感があるとか，そういうのではないのだけれども，結構怖い．それに，考えてみればここは病院．自分，結構ビビリです．怖いので，早く寝ます．おやすみなさい．
 
２００３．９．１３(土)
　今日は記念日になった．理由は簡単，体重が６０㎏を切ったのだ．９月に入り，主治医チームが変わり，そこからの本格始動だった．お菓子禁，カップラーメン禁の生活が始まり，病院のまずい料理生活だった．まずいのは病院批判ではなく，自分は適応できなかっただけですよ．気分が良すぎて同室の患者さんと筋トレ対決しました．針が入っているので，時折チクチクしていたが，それ以上に気分が良く，痛みはほとんど感じられなかった．早く移植してもっとトレーニングをしたいものです．この腹肉，どうにかならないかなぁ．

2003.9.9 (Tue) My mouth is still not healed. It's getting better, but it's still not completely healed. I can't stand to drink hot soup. Still can't have my favourite corn soup. I don't feel refreshed. Thanks to the treatment, my white blood cells are steadily dying off and their numbers are gradually decreasing. As proof, I have a huge isolator behind my pillow. Oh, how I long for freedom...

2003. 9. 10 (Wed) Today, two mothers of my high school baseball teammates came to visit me. They didn't seem surprised at my changed appearance and treated me the same as before. She brought me Calpis and a comic book as a gift. The conversation was about the baseball team, and the autumn tournament was about to start. If I hadn't been sick, I wonder if I would have been given a number. I wonder if I would have been able to go up on the mound. I can't stop thinking about it. There was one more surprising gift from W, a graduate of the same high school who is now a member of the professional baseball team Chiba Lotte, who gave me a ball signed by him for his fifth win. If I hadn't been in this situation, I wouldn't have been able to get it. I am really grateful. I will keep it carefully.

2003.9.11(Thu) Today, I had a blood sample taken for transfusion. Unlike ordinary blood sampling, blood for transfusion is taken from arteries, not veins. In other words, blood is drawn from deep blood vessels, not from surface vessels. The person in charge was a medical student on training. She was better than the attending physician. And she's a lovely woman. I like female doctors. She's a wonderful person.　Well, while they were taking my blood, they also checked my white blood cell count. The result was 300...yesterday it was 900. Probably I'm in the period of minimum immunity. Tomorrow, they will take another blood sample. Let's hope it will be higher tomorrow.　Now, most of the people in my room have already been told that I'm going to be discharged. Only I'm a bit behind. There are a lot of people here that I love. So I'm a bit sad to leave them all. If my white blood cells come up, I'll be discharged too, but I'm sure there will be a delay.　Today, the official transplant date was set. XXth of May. Ideally, I would have liked it to be a little earlier, but I'm very happy and very happy that it's been decided. I would like to thank the person who gave me the final consent. However, at first I wanted to spend New Year's at home, but I don't think that will be possible. Naturally, Christmas will also be at the hospital. Speaking of Christmas, the high school baseball team. Every year, our baseball team has a training camp on Christmas Day. Yes, a week-long training camp in Chiba Tateyama. This camp is really hard, not only physically, but also mentally. My teammates challenge this training camp. I can see how hard it is. But it's hard for me because I'm sick. If possible, I would have liked to attend the same camp with my teammates, but my GVHD probably won't allow me to do so. It was the last training camp for high school baseball. No matter how hard it is, I want to take on the challenge if I'm with my mates. Even if my hands bleed, even if I throw up because I feel sick, I can definitely overcome it with my teammates. I want to practise more with my mates, improve my ability, play in games, get a number and show my parents how active I am. But no matter how much pain I go through, I can't stand on the mound anymore. I can't play in games, I can't get a number. My dream of going to the Koshien Stadium has disappeared. After the transplant, I will be banned from daytime activities. It's frustrating, but it can't be helped. I just have to tell myself that it can't be helped. No one is to blame. No one is to blame. I have to accept this reality that I don't want to accept. I have to do something by myself. No one will help me. I have to do my best. The teachers around me are supporting me desperately. I'm not going down. Fuck the disease! I'm going to set a record for the shortest discharge from a hospital post-transplant! Watch it, you sick fuck!

2003.9.12(Fri) Results of blood sampling: white blood cells 300, red blood cells 6.2, platelets 1.6. Low... He has had blood transfusions for two consecutive days since yesterday. I have been receiving injections to artificially increase the number of white blood cells for five days, but this is the result. I wonder if my body is changing. I feel like my recovery is slowing down. Hang in there, myself.　Today, two of the patients in the same room went out to stay overnight, and when two people in a four-patient room disappear, it gets instantly lonely. And they were very energetic and talkative people, so I feel even lonelier. It's already lights out when I'm writing this diary, but it's even quieter than usual, which makes it even more unpleasant. It's not that I'm particularly psychic or anything, but it's pretty scary. Besides, this is a hospital, come to think of it. I'm quite timid. I'm scared, so I'm going to bed early. Good night.

2003. 9. 13 (Sat) Today is my anniversary. The reason is simple: I weighed less than 60 kg... In September, my doctor's team changed, and that's when I started in earnest. I started a life of no sweets, no cup noodles, and a life of bad hospital food. It wasn't criticism of the hospital that was bad, I just couldn't adapt. I felt so good that I had a muscle training match with my roommate. There was an occasional prickle because of the needles, but I felt better than that and hardly felt any pain. I can't wait to get it implanted and do more training. I wonder what I can do with this belly...