#23 当たり前という奇跡-5
２００３・１１．２９(土)
ついにあいつが本格的にやってきた．あいつの名前はHAKIKE．そう，吐き気だ．昨日日記を書いた後，久しぶりに吐き，今朝も吐いてしまった．しかも，ご飯を食べれていないので，胃液(あの酸っぱいやつ)しか出てこない．この胃液，とても厄介で，荒れに荒れた口内炎をこれでもかってほど刺激する．地味に痛い．地味にとっても痛い．結構大変．しかも今朝は吐いたものに血も混ざってた．胃液で食道がただれて，そこから出血してしまったようです．ドラマで見るあのシーンまではいかないまでも，初めての経験で少しビックリした．今も吐き気は継続中．おそらく，今晩も吐くのでしょう．これを書いている今も気持ち悪い．今，結構しんどいです．でも，なんとか乗り切らないと．負けてしまう．負けるな，自分．
２００３．１１．３０(日)
嘔吐３日目．また吐きました．こりゃ細くなりますわ．まいった．それに，やっぱり時間が過ぎるのが本当に遅い．１日が長い．だるくて気持ち悪くて痛みもあるのに，全く眠くならない．疲れているはずなのに眠くならない．大部屋にいた時，患者さんや看護師さんとおしゃべりして，面会に来てくれた人たちと話をしていると，本当に１日が早く終わってしまうけど，ここは本当に長い．１人は孤独です．
また，今のこの身体の状況はまだ後１週間くらい続くようです．長いですね．本当に．辛いですよ．もう．吐きすぎて喉もやられました．痛いのは口，喉，腹です．こいつらがダメージを受けると本当に辛い．手足が痛いことも辛いけど，こういう食べ物が通る部分がやられてしまうのは，別の意味で本当に辛い．長い．痛い．ここずっとネガティブキャンペーンです．がんばらないと．もう少しだから，ね．
２００３．１２．１(月)
今日から１２月です．もうクリスマスです．下界にいる人たちは勉強や仕事に追われながらも愛する人と楽しい時間を過ごせるのでしょうね．そういう人たちがいる一方で，我が野球部は毎年恒例の千葉館山合宿がある．辛い辛い１週間だけど，仲間と過ごせる貴重な時間なのだと，今は思えるし，心底羨ましいと感じる．辛さの質は全く違うけど，仲間がそばにいればどんなことも乗り越えられると思う．だけど，ここは自分だけ．壁の向こうには似たような患者さんがいるのだろうけど，実際にその姿を見たり，話したりできていないから孤独感が強い．辛いです．精神的にも．今はただただ耐えるしかできないから，やれることをやろう．なんとか，気持ちを強く持って．
2003/11/29 (Sat)
At last, he has come in earnest... His name is HAKIKE... yes, nausea. His name is HAKIKE...that's right, nausea. After writing my diary yesterday, I threw up for the first time in a long time, and I threw up again this morning. And since I haven't eaten any food, all that comes out is gastric juice (that sour stuff). This gastric juice is very nasty and irritates my mouth ulcers as much as possible. It hurts. It is very painful. It's quite a pain. And this morning, there was blood in my vomit. It seems that the esophagus was irritated by gastric juices, and I bled from there. I was a little surprised at my first experience, though not to the extent of the scene seen in TV dramas. The nausea is still continuing. I will probably throw up again tonight. I feel sick even as I write this. It's pretty tough right now. But I've got to get through this. I'm going to lose. Don't let yourself lose.
2003.11.30(Sun)
The third day of vomiting. I vomited again. I'm going to be thin. Oh, no. Time goes by really slowly, and a day is long. I feel tired, sick, and in pain, but I don't feel sleepy at all. I should be tired, but I'm not. When I was in a big room, chatting with patients and nurses, talking with visitors, the day goes by so fast, but here it's really long. Also, my current physical condition will continue for another week or so. It's a long time. It's really hard. It's hard. It's hard. My throat is also damaged by vomiting too much. It hurts my mouth, throat, and stomach. It's really painful when these parts are damaged. It is painful to have pain in the limbs, but it is really painful in another sense when these parts that food passes through are damaged. It's long. It hurts. It's been a negative campaign all the way here. I have to hang in there. I'm almost there, you know.
2003.12.1 (Monday)
Today is December. It's already Christmas. I guess those who are down there are busy with their studies and work, but are still able to spend a good time with their loved ones. On the other hand, our baseball team has its annual training camp at Chiba Tateyama. It's a hard and painful week, but now I feel that it's a precious time to spend with my friends, and I envy them deeply. The quality of the pain is completely different, but with friends by my side, I think I can overcome anything. But here, it's just me. I know there are similar patients on the other side of the wall, but I can't actually see them or talk to them, so I feel very alone. It's hard. Mentally, too. I can only endure for now, so I'm going to do what I can. Somehow, I'm going to keep my mind strong.