出口のない迷路
他人の視線や言葉に敏感になりすぎると、
すべてが攻撃的に感じられてくる。
友人や家族のちょっとした表情や口調も、自分に対する批判や疑いのように感じてしまう。
「どうしてそんなふうに見るの？」「私が何か変なの？」と自分に問いかける瞬間が増えていく。
そこから、疑心暗鬼が生まれる。
もしかして、周りの人々は自分のことをおかしいと思っているのではないか？
もしかしたら、みんなが自分を見て、
内心で笑っているのではないか？そうした疑念が、心の中で大きく膨らんでいく。
自分が「おかしい」と思われることに対する恐怖は、次第に行動に制約を加えるようになる。
何をするにも、自分の行動が他人にどう映るかを過剰に考えるようになる。
たとえば、話すときのトーンや仕草、言葉選びにさえも細心の注意を払うようになる。
自分らしく振る舞うことが、いつの間にか他人に合わせた演技のようになってしまう。
周りに「おかしい」と思われないために、自然な自分を抑え込む。
それでも心の中では叫んでいる。
「私はおかしくない」と。
この不安は、やがて自分自身を否定する形へと変わっていく。
「私はおかしくない」と必死に自分に言い聞かせる一方で、心の奥底では「もしかして本当におかしいのかもしれない」という自己疑念が常に揺らめいている。自分を守るための言葉が、いつしか自分を追い詰める呪縛となり、出口のない迷路の中に迷い込んでしまう。
自分が何を信じていいのかわからなくなり、心の中で繰り返される「私はおかしくない」という言葉がむなしく響くだけだ。
最も恐ろしいのは、周りが自分に対して抱く疑念を恐れるあまり、実際には誰も気にしていないことにすら過剰に反応してしまうことだ。
自分がどう見られているかを気にしすぎるあまり、他人の行動や言葉が自分に対する暗黙の評価であるかのように感じてしまう。
たとえ誰も自分を「おかしい」と思っていなくても、自分の中でその恐怖が現実となってしまう。
結局、自分自身がその恐怖を作り出しているのだ。
「私はおかしくない」と言い続けることは、実は自分を縛りつける鎖に過ぎないかもしれない。
自分が「普通」であることを必死に証明しようとするたびに、周りからの見えないプレッシャーが増していく。
「おかしくない」と信じたいけれど、その言葉が出るたびに、自分に何かが欠けているのではないかという不安が広がる。
正常であることを証明しようとするほど、自分が「おかしい」ことを証明しているような気がしてならない。
結局、何が「おかしい」のか
何が「普通」なのか
その基準さえも曖昧だ。、
けれども、社会や周囲が押し付ける「普通」に縛られ、必死にそれに適応しようとする自分がいる。自分を守りたい、異常者と思われたくないという強い欲求が、逆に自分を壊していく。
「私はおかしくない」と言い続けるたびに、心の中に深く根付いた疑念が、ますます自分を追い詰めるのだ。
A mosaic is a way to hide something.
It exists to blur reality and make the truth invisible.
When something is mosaic,
it is not clear at first glance what is hidden.
However, a desire to know what is behind it arises, and anxiety and doubt spread in the mind.
Because the truth is hidden, the fear of the hidden parts grows.
Sometimes life itself seems like a mosaic. The world that unfolds before our eyes is hidden by something.
Our future, the true feelings of others, even our true selves, everything seems unclear and blurry like a mosaic.
We don't know what is right or what to believe.
It feels like our choices and paths in life are covered in a mosaic, and we can only move forward without even being clear about where we are heading.
This ambiguity causes constant anxiety and fear.
We are haunted by the fear that the reality behind the mosaic will suddenly be revealed one day. We desire to know the truth, but at the same time we are afraid to face it.
What if what lies beyond the mosaic is not what we expected, but a reality that could destroy us? That thought tightens our hearts, making us lose sight of the path we should follow.
Sometimes people unconsciously put a mosaic over themselves to protect themselves.
The pain deep inside, the past we don't want others to know about, the weaknesses we want to hide.
We try to cover these things up with a mosaic and hide them from the eyes of others.
Because we are afraid to show our true selves, we act normally on the surface, but deep inside everything is hidden.
As a result, even we ourselves lose track of what is real and what is false.
By continuing to put a mosaic over ourselves, the boundary with reality gradually becomes blurred.
What we really feel and what we want becomes blurred, and everything becomes an abstract sensation.
We can no longer see the dissatisfaction and loneliness that exists in our hearts, which in turn causes even deeper suffering.
Without even knowing what is wrong with our hearts, we simply become buried in our daily lives.
As a result of being blurred, we lose sight of ourselves completely and begin to wander between reality and fiction.
Mosaics also exist in relationships with others. Everyone hides their weaknesses and wounds and behaves in a way that makes them appear perfect on the surface.
However, hidden true feelings and anxieties swirl behind that.
Even friends, lovers, and family members cannot show their true selves no matter how close they are, and continue to have relationships with each other through a blur.
It is an ambiguous relationship where you seem to see but you don't, you seem to hear but you don't.
The relationship gradually becomes heavy and painful.
Even though you want to tell the other person your true feelings, you have to continue to hide them.
In order to protect yourself through the blur, lies and deceptions pile up, and as a result, the relationship itself is on the verge of breaking down.
The fear that the moment the mosaic is peeled off someday, the relationship will fall apart is constantly swirling in your mind.
The most frightening thing is that after blurring too much, you no longer even know what you are hiding behind it.
The mosaic that we started to create to protect ourselves eventually covers our very existence, making it impossible to distinguish what is real and what is false.
We lose sight of who we really are behind the mosaic, and continue to live as an ambiguous being.
When our lives are full of mosaics, everything becomes unclear and unstable.
Even when we try to see reality, everything looks blurry, and we don't know where we should go. And when the mosaic is peeled off and the truth we face is terrifying, we are constantly haunted by the fear of whether we can bear it.
We have no choice but to spend our days in anxiety and fear, not knowing what is hidden behind the mosaic, and whether that hidden thing will hurt us.
The mosaic may conceal reality and provide temporary relief.
However, when the mosaic is peeled off, what awaits us may be a cruel truth from which there is no escape. And when we face that truth, will we be able to bear the pain?
Or will we have no choice but to once again hide the reality by putting up a new mosaic?