ヴィーガン生活開始から迷路突入まで

これ以上動物を搾取することはできない。したくない。そう決めてからヴィーガンとして生活を始めた。当時はとにかく動物食材は完全に排除してみようと必死だった。姉がビーガンシェフだったことは大きく助けになった。だが半年も続けると思っていたよりも難しい局面がちらほら出てきた。

元々料理が好きなので、植物性タンパク質をベースとした材料で次々作ってみて新しい発見に喜んでいたが、想定外にインパクトが大きかったのは卵を断つことだった。そう、動物性食材はお肉だけではなく、卵やバター、チーズ、ヨーグルトのような乳製品、ハチミツだって含まれる。そこに魚介類や鰹だしも加わる。私達の食生活は動物性食材に大きく頼っていた。そっかー…ここまで使えないものが多いのか。それが発見だった。

大得意だったタイ料理も大半にナンプラーを使うことによりレパートリーから消えた。お菓子作りにも影響した。嘗ての好物、カリカリに揚げた鶏の唐揚げ、家で揚げたサーターアンダーギー、脂身の多い豚肉を使った手作り餃子、代替品でどうにかなる物、代替品では及ばない物、代替が効かないもの等色々だった。お寿司などは10種の魚が使われていれば10の命への思いが及んだりした。とにかく今まで無知でいたことへの懺悔でなんでも勉強しようとヴィーガンのオンラインワークショップなどにも参加した。

「母ならどう思うだろう。いま母が生きていて工業畜産について聞いたらなんて答えるんだろう」。ヴィーガンになる一年前に癌で亡くなった母に思いを寄せた。彼女が手作りしてくれた料理の数々。幼い頃から食べていた彼女の焼くロールパンやマドレーヌ、チーズケーキや洋酒香る林檎のケーキ。お正月恒例のローストビーフや鶏出汁が素晴らしいお雑煮、私がすき焼きより好きだからといって用意してくれた豪華なしゃぶしゃぶ。母の愛溢れる手料理は私のこれまでの人生の思い出に直結している。それを否定したくないし思い出を汚したくない。

そして「悪いのは倫理観を欠いた今の経済至上主義社会なのだ」と考えたりした。「工業畜産は悪だ。あんな流れ作業で命を扱うなんて！」するともう一方の私が「いやいや、それを求めてきたのは自分じゃないか。需要が故のシステムだ」「ちょっとヴィーガンを始めただけでお肉を食べることを全否定するのは極端だ」「否定ではなくて、事実を広めて、これ以上肉ありきの世の中にしたくないだけ！」と異論反論が頭の中で巡る。正しい、正しくないという短絡的な問題ではない。どんどん考えることくたくたになっていった。

平日は家の事情で孤食をせざるを得ない私は、最初は楽しかったヴィーガン料理作りもレパートリーの少なさと共感できる人の不在からあまりお箸が伸びなくなる。そしてどんどん食べなくなる。すると何が起きたかというと気持ちが落ちてしまった。私の半鬱期間は１年以上続いたと思う。それは前述のドミニオンを見て目にした光景を都度思い出して沈鬱になるということもあるかもしれない。私1人がヴィーガンになったところで何も変わらない世の中にスタックした気分でいた。その頃、基本的な食事さえ楽しめなくなり、一旦ヴィーガンからベジタリアンに緩めようと決心した。正直今の私を表す名前なんてどうでもいいのだけれど、相変わらずお肉は食べない。牛乳も飲まない。卵も食べない。ヴィーガンだけれども、シーフードは時折口にするという生活を続けて何年か経つ。私の中の線引きは、哺乳類、また知能がある命を口にしない、「母親」を認識している命は口にしないという基準だ。

大事な行いなのだけれども、自分をがんじがらめに縛ってしまえば、ポジティブさが欠けてしまう。できることをやる。そういう仲間を増やしていければいいと思っている。

MBO

<English>

From the start of the vegan lifestyle to entering the maze

I cannot exploit animals any more. I never want to. I started living as a vegan. At the time I was desperate to try to eliminate animal products completely. As my sister was a vegan chef, she helped a lot for vegan cooking recipes. But after six months, I found myself in more difficult situations than I had expected.

I love to cook, so I tried to cook with ingredients based on plant-based proteins one after another, and was delighted with my new discoveries, but what had an unexpected impact on me was to cut out eggs. Yes, animal products are not only meat, but also eggs, dairy products such as butter, cheese, yogurt, and even honey. Seafood and fish based broth are also added to the voiding list. Our diets were heavily dependent on animal products. I see...so many things we can't use here. That was what I found out..

Even most of Thai dishes, which I was very good at, disappeared from my dining table due to the use of fish sauce. It also affected my baking. There were many things that could be made with substitutes, things that could not be made with substitutes, things that could not be made with substitutes, and things that could not be made with substitutes. For sushi, if 10 kinds of fish were served, I came to imagine 10 kinds of life were used. Also, I joined vegan online workshops to learn everything I could about veganism as penance for my ignorance.

What would my mother think? I wonder what she would say if she were alive today and I asked her about industrial animal farming. I thought about my mother, who died of cancer a year before I became a vegan. I cherish the many dishes she baked, bread rolls and madeleines, cheesecakes and Rum-scented apple cakes… those were my favorite when I was a child. At New Year she often cooked roast beef, ozoni - Japanese traditional clear soup- with a wonderful chicken broth, and the shabu-shabu beef she prepared for me because I liked it better than sukiyaki. My mother's home-cooked meals overflowing with love are directly connected to the memories of my life. I don't want to deny that and I don't want to tarnish the memories.

Sometimes I thought to myself with anger "It is the current economic supremacy society that lacks ethics that is to blame. Industrial animal farming is evil. How dare they treat life in such a streamlined way!" And then the other me said, "No, no, no, you are the one who has been demanding it. It's a system because of demand." "It's extreme to deny all meat-eating just because I started veganism for a little while." "I'm not denying it, I just sant to everyone to get aware the facts and we should not make the world more meat-based!”
Objections and counter-arguments go around in my head. It is not a simple question of right or wrong. I was getting exhausted of thinking about it.

Around that time I had have meals alone on weekdays due to family reasons. Even though I enjoyed cooking vegan food at first, the limited recipes and the solo dinner that I couldn’t share the experiences to made it difficult for me to eat much more.

And I stopped eating more and more. What happened was that I fell into a state of depression. I think my semi-depressive period lasted more than a year. It could be that I became depressed because I remembered scenes I saw the documentary Dominion. I felt stuck in a world where nothing would change if I alone became a vegan. It was around that time that I decided to loosen up from veganism to vegetarianism once I could no longer enjoy even the most basic of foods.

Frankly, I don't care what name describes me now, but I still don't eat meat. I don't drink milk. I don't eat eggs. I've been vegan for a few years now, but I still eat seafood occasionally. I draw the line at not eating mammals, intelligent life, or life that recognizes their "mother”.

It's important, but if you tie yourself down so tight, it lacks positivity. Do what you can. I think it is OK. I hope to increase the number of such friends.

MBO