Living in His Mercy: a journey of overcoming the LIES and choosing the TRUTH

Living in His mercy. This is the theme of this season in my life. 

Recently, I've come to realize some weaknesses of mine; some soft spots that the devil uses to turn me away from God, my first Love. 

I am truly a sinner with many faults and failures that I cannot even count. But the Lord, who is so kind and merciful has revealed to me several lies that I tend to believe, that always shifts my focus from Jesus to myself. 

「神様の憐みの中に生きる」

これが私の人生のこの節におけるテーマです。最近私は、自分の弱さについて、特に悪魔が私を最初の愛である神様から遠ざるための手段として使う、いくつかの嘘に気づかされています。

私は本当に罪びとで、数え切れないほどの失敗をしてきました。でも、神様は本当に憐れみ深いお方で、ほんっとうに優しいお方で、私の心を神様から逸らす嘘があるということを気づかせてくれました。

Lie #1: "Your parents think your siblings are better than you." 

This is a lie that I've believed for basically my whole life. Believing in this lie had led me to fall into the never-ending traps of self-pity, being unsatisfied with myself, jealousy against my siblings... and anger against my parents. I constantly had a sizzling fire of anger against them, who had no idea why I was angry at them. Anger issues. It made me complain about everything, it made me talk ill of my siblings behind their backs, it made me feel so unsatisfied. The devil kept telling me "You are not loved by your parents" "You are not enough" "You are the worst child in the family" etc. And I believed these lies. These lies brainwashed me. I let these lies feed into the flesh of my heart and grow bigger every moment of the day. It eventually led me to believe that I am "unwanted": better not to be a part of my own family. When I entered college, this lie had taken over my heart making me feel lonely, and I began constantly looking for a love that I knew I didn't deserve but wanted so badly. 

It took me 21 years of life to even realize that what I had let grow in my heart were L I E S... and to realize that my parents do love me; that I am loved not only by my parents but by the God of the universe. God, in his deep deep kindness, had revealed to me that the devil uses lies to pull me away from Him, to shift my eyes away from the cross and into my own sins. A lie that had infested in my heart for so long left a deep scar in my heart and in my relationship with my parents...But the Lord, oh so kind and so merciful had promised me that these scars will be healed. That my relationship with my parents will be made new in his grace. In this brokenness, I am now beginning to slowly see God's merciful hands peeling off the scabs of sin and repainting the canvas of my heart with brilliant colors. 

嘘１：「あなたの両親はあなたより他の兄弟を愛している。」

この嘘を私は人生のほとんどを通して信じて生きていました。実際には私の両親は私を愛していたし、今でも愛し祈り続けてくれています。しかし、悪魔は私の弱さに漬け込んで、絶えず私の耳元で「両親はあなたを愛していない」「あなたは不十分だ」と囁き続けていたんですね。そして、私はこれらの嘘を気づかないうちに信じてしまっていました。これらの嘘は私を洗脳しちゃうレベルで、私の心を侵食していきました。
この嘘は、私を自己憐憫のサイクルに陥れ、また不満足や妬みで私の心をいっぱいにしました。特に、兄弟や両親への怒りの引き金となり、この怒りによって私はいつも文句ばっかり弟の悪口や不満しか言わない人へと成長していきました。
結果、私はもう「家族には必要とされていない」と心のどこかで感じるようになり、大学に進学し、家族のもとを離れた時に、私の心を満たしてくれる何かを求めて必死に頑張りました。

でも、21年間たったある日私はこの嘘に気づかされました。特に大きな出来事があったわけではありませんが、やっとこの事実に気づけたんですね。
私は自分の両親に愛されているし、何と言っても天地を造られた神様に愛されている。神様は本当に憐れみ深くて、優しいお方です。悪魔が嘘つきであるということ、また私を神様から引き離すためにこのような嘘を使うことを知りました。
長年、この嘘に蝕まれてきた心と私の両親との関係はもうボロボロで穴だらけで、膿んだ傷跡だらけでした。でも神様は本当に憐れみ深くて良いお方です。私の心も、両親との関係も癒されると約束してくださいました。そして今は、神様がこの壊れた状況の中でも憐れみ深い御手を差し伸べて、私の心の傷口に触れて、罪のかさぶたを取り去って、鮮やかな色で心を作り変えてくださっていることを少しづつわかるようになりました。

Lie #2: "You are so screwed." 

Whoa. We all have these moments when we suddenly realize the horrific situation we have put ourselves in. And all we can feel is P A N I C. Whether it be in our poor decisions, unclear future, unexpected turnouts, or just reality slamming a brick wall into the face. 

Recently, I was suddenly struck by the lack of savings I have in my bank account that had never bothered me before. After four years of spending more than I earned, there was basically only enough left to buy a bicycle, or maybe a refrigerator. Entering college and leaving the watch of my parents, I literally spent it all on doing "fun" things, living a "cool" life, and being the "party". And then, my mother who is so full of wisdom had taken the responsibility of telling me that changes had to be made. There were two parts to this revelation: first that I was stingy but She had also pointed out my engrossment in money... I loved to work for money, to have money, and to use money... while in reality, money was working me, having control over me, and using me. 

My mother told me that rather than being controlled by thoughts of money, we can choose to give thanks to God for all he has given us. We can choose to live under a mindset that all things are in the palms of the Father, as well as to work diligently and to be a good steward with what the Lord has entrusted us with, right here & right now. So, even if we think we are totally screwed, our heavenly Father's goodness will never change, and we can hold onto the hope that God will bless us when we surrender to Him and let him take the wheel. 

"Remember this: Whoever sows sparing will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." (2 Corinthians 9:6-8)

Lie #3: "Stop praying about it." 

This lie attacks my heart and my mind every day. The devil wants to stop communicating with our Father, and it wants us to stop putting our hopes and dreams in the hands of the Father. 

In 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, Paul is giving final instructions to the Thessalonians. "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 

It is so easy for us to stop praying just because we don't think our prayers will make any difference in our reality- in our every day lives. But wait. What we see as a reality, what we perceive to be true and real is only a minuscule fraction of the whole picture. We might notice some of the colors painted on the canvas, but we cannot understand the directions of each brushstroke nor the image that the painter has in his mind. The mind of the painter may not be exactly what we wanted or expected, but we are given the privilege to be excited about the final reveal. 

I've been reminded constantly these past few weeks by a close friend of mine, to keep praying about a certain wish/desire. This wish has not been answered yet, at least not in the way that I want it to be, but it just feels God is trying to teach me throughout this whole process of prayer. 

"Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done."

In the end that is all I can, we can pray, when we trust God with all our wishes, hopes, and dreams. Not only at the end after all our desires, but before it all. When Jesus taught the disciples how to pray, the line "Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done" was prayed near the beginning, and not the end. God's will is the B E S T, and we are able to taste and experience the joy of being a part of His kingdom. 

How...? Why... is God so merciful to a person like me? I don't think I will ever understand God's mercy. All I know is that I am blessed with the opportunity to savor his mercy every moment of the day, and to just be in awe of the Lord- like looking breathlessly at a beautiful sunset on a cold winter afternoon. 

Finally, these were a few of the lies that the Holy Spirit has revealed to me and taught me to be aware them. I pray that the Lord will give us the strength and wisdom to seek and believe in the truth and not in the lies. 

"I am the way the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." (John 14:6)