I knows its wrong, but it makes me happy though

Do cultists really think what theyre doing is right? Really? Because I sure dont.

They say the tonochu are cultists, they say they are brainwashed i dont know about the others, but i dont think im brainwashed. I kknow what tono is saying is wrong and that tonos view are wrong. yet I choose to follow them because it just makes me feel happy, and worthy. I know what tono says is wrong. I know that it might be bad for me. but it just makes me happier. im not brainwashed because i know its not true. I know its wrong, but I choose to do it anyways.

Tono beliefs are wrong, they hurt you, tey hurt other. Its definatly not a healthy solution. yet I know that. I know that and i completly aknowledge it. I get it. I know its a terible thing and Im turing into a terrible person. I know that Im spending my time loving a person that will never love me back, and i might never even get to see them. never, ever. i know that, yet im still in the tonochu, worshiping tono, even if i know its wrong.

what does that mean. i dont get it. if the rest of tonochu really think that tono is god, and they really love them romanticall, and tehy really are so dedicated how could that happen? i dont get it. but me, im not like that. i know its wron, i know tono is not god, and I know its all going to fall apart one day. but im oaky with it. i dont know why, im just okay with it.

I know its sonethimg im not supposes to do, but im okay with it. i hink it might be because i know that if things go wrong, and i start to suffer, i can just kill myself. if I star to suffer, i can just die. then it will all b over.

i know, its not good, I know its not a ood thing to think about. i know that live is valualb,e and stuff, but thinking this lets me be able to do things i would of never done. im scared of suffering, but im not scared anymore, because i know i cn jsut die.

but this weak worthless person i am is different. i know because i am sufferin. its hard to live. so why havent i died yet, its all jus because im so weak that i cant even die. i cant even die. what does hat mean. do i just wait untill someon ekills me. i dont get it. im just so weak that even that cant make me able to take risks and stuff. even that cant make me do things. because im scared of suffering, and i kow i wont be albe ot kill myslef even if i dont suffer. so im scared, so i dont take riss, and I dont do those scary things.

wow, im just so weak and worthles. I cant even et more adjectives to describe it

its just weak. i am weaks, just born weak.

fuck life