Carry around, all alone

I got to think that maybe the whole idea was wrong. 
The starting point was incorrect. 

I think I was looking for someone who I can open and show the whole me to. Freely. 
Which includes my 0-confidenceness, depression, the kind of 'disorders' I mostly get from my childhood and many, many more defects. 
Since the things are getting heavier and heavier by the time
and I'm getting tired of dealing with these alone.
Not meaning fed up with, 
actually, physically (or should I say, mentally?) starting to feel the limit getting closer, 
in pretending that I haven't got such nuisance inside. Acting like somebody normal. 

After trying several friends,
I realised that people are not the ones I can relax and be free with.
As it's either too unusual, too weird or just too much for them. 
It doesn't do any good for them. 
And eventually, not good for me at all, either. 
I hate people to be sad even temporarily, or that they feel they have to pretend to be sad, for me. 
I hate to see my friends start to go away because they think I'm insane. 
They fade away perhaps because they are just disgusted. 
I can now kind of imagine that,
showing everything may perhaps like include showing the inside bits of your stomach and intestines.
That’d be just horrible.
Thinking it's ok to show such to friends is nothing but insane. 

Then I thought of you. I thought, 
You probably do not understand what I say. 
You probably do not care if I'm depressed or being insane. 
As long as you are fed and your place is comfortable. 
But you know what,
when I talk to you about me, I am not really seeing you. 
In other words, 
you don't get the attention you would've got
if I'm not focusing on yakking about myself at you. 
So it's not fair for you. 
I should look at and observe you, when I sit here, shouldn't I? 
So that I’d notice your needs and feels.  

Beethoven said to himself to hide it. 
His “it” could’ve been something similar to I have. 
Solitude. In a set.
Included, without choice. 
At this moment, I think that's the way.
That's the only way.
Freedom comes with aloneness.
I think, I have to try the same. 
Some people can. 
Then I may be able to do it, too. 

It's not like something lasts forever. 
Only until I die.
Not that long.