The first half of 2024

Biggest life lesson that I have learnt in the first half of this year

Let me tell you this, the conclusion first.
The biggest life lesson that I have learnt this year was that, life doesn't have to be as serious as it feels like it should.

You may not know, but I am actually a very serious person lol
And I learnt that about myself really early on in my life like when I was in elementary.
I was always crying when I was doing my homework and I re-wrote same kanji over and over until I get it perfect . I struggled a lot outside of club activity because I was aaaaaalways thinking of practice and I didn't know how to handle the pressure. I couldn't stop thinking about handball in high school and  I HATED myself when I couldn't do ONE footwork training properly.
I let myself re-do all workout if I did one squat lazy. I was blaming myself so much when I was in Denmark and found that my  English was not enough to keep up with the conversation and let myself study 3 hours every day after class with all the unknown words that I collected on my phone. I am a pro of exhausting myself a lot during my job hunt.  
This quality has behaved good and bad in the past, because all the effort that I put in has paid off and it was not all bad.

I came to become a pretty chill person over the last few years especially after I spent some time in Europe, and I know that my core is still pretty serious haha.  And I can feel that it swings back and forth between very serious Hanae and veeeery chill Hanae, which has confused myself a lot so far.  
Sometimes even the chill parts feel like a coping mechanism to handle the seriousness and it does work well😅, but it is just not easy to deal with.
I didn't know how deep I can go, and soon after how 'high' it gets to.

Thanks to my old job, which required me so much of patience, I somehow manage to get comments like 'oh Hanae you seem very calm', I am but I am not as calm as a lot of people think.

This year, I have changed jobs and have been through really weird time.
It is filled with upsetting feeling, confusion, relaxing time, guilt.. etc.
And during the time, I tried so hard to find an answer, one solution to be happy. See, that is where I am very serious lol
But I have never got an answer or felt the a-ha !

It is like dating, if you think too much, it just doesn't happen, which actually may be the reason why I don't have a boyfriend haha
But putting the joke aside, you never know who is the one, what is the one,  
and maybe there is no such thing.

I always take things so seriously.
Every emotion, every moment.

But that caused me to forget to enjoy things more.
I always worry so much about the future, to the point where I am just so scared that I can come up with plan A,B,C,D, and  E.
Like what if something doesn't work out, what if this happens, what if what if what if what if (goes forever) …………　……………　………………　………………　…………….. 😅

My friend once told me to enjoy each and every moment but I didn't really listen, but I want to now. And I want to thank him for telling me that.

Why do I fear so much ?

I asked my mom this question when I was a kid,
and she told me
' you are trying, you try your best to be happy so you fear lots. And don't take the fear as a bad thing'

This line touches my heart so much.
I am grateful that I have such beautiful words from my mom.

And hey, isn't this so Hanae that she even takes the fear seriously ? lol

When you take your life seriously, use the skill to help others.

I try not to take myself too seriously for taking my life seriously, if that makes sense.
I know that I take life seriously so I take others' life seriously too and use it for the good. So I can appreciate what I have.
Life doesn't have to be too serious, and as I said I am trying not to but it just naturally comes as a serious matter to me.

So I just stop worrying and take it as it is.

But helping others makes me feel content because that way my intention is good. It doesn't hold up too much of space to consume me with all the anxiety.

Live in the moment feels hard sometimes but let's

My new definition of happiness is to be present.
Not that you don't think about the future but be here.

It feels tough, but let's do that together♡
I feel you, but as someone who is a big
worrier, I needed to write this to remind myself and you.

THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR READING x
Hanae