Who am I without the friends ?

Time for a big chaaaat

Okay, so today is another day that I wanna talk about something almost too deep. lol
I finally can spare some time to sit down and write things out and I am so happy.

As you can see by the title, I have asked myself the same question over and over lately "who am I without the friends?"
You may know this, but I am a super social person and I always love to be around people. This year I intentionally stopped seeing friends with a purpose of preparing myself for the next move, but it really got me into a severe depression and I have now finally started to see a way out.

I have never felt this empty, I have never felt this depressed since the Covid time,(where I was in a total hibernation for 6months)  I was so drown in the negative thoughts/anxiety and spaced out many many times a day.
Then I realized that the happiness coming from being around my friends is A LOT. Yeah you can talk to the station officer, staff at a convini, go see a dentist and chat a bit, but those conversations don't give you the energy that lasts.
You say a word, you hear one back, then you just feel like a robot to keep having those talks that don't go anywhere.

Thankfully, probably in the last 5-6 years I have been always invited to cool events by friends, hangouts were usually from their suggestions.
I didn't have to put so much effort and things just happened.
And I really really appreciate and  love my friends for always giving me those opportunities and being supportive.
Hopefully they understand where I am now, that I am preparing myself for the move to overseas and just been so so busy - working 14 hours a day / 6 days a week. In rush for many many things and just can focus on myself now.
And again, I really now see what they have done for me so far over the last few years and learnt that I was never an initiator, just have been an attendant and I wanna be more active like them, to create all those fun things myself too.

So, who am I without friends?
- Probably I am not that good at putting a light up for myself as I thought I was, I am not as smiley as people think I am. I am just a projector that reflects what they give to me with such a clear image and luckily I always have been given really beautiful objects to make the image from. Maybe if there is one thing that I am really consciously doing is to check in on the people that I truly care about. I am such a checker haha, so I like to send messages here and there to the friends that I genuinely care about. But it is just me giving back to them and again, it is me reacting to what I have been given, not starting from my side.

I keep saying always, people are everything.
And this is the type of lesson I keep learning about, repeatedly in my life.

I found that I have nothing to talk about when I am not seeing people.
I can talk about the podcasts that I always listen to, but it is also about them not the topic necessarily to be honest.
I love learning about myself AND others, I am such a people person.
I am feeling so blessed that I have been surrounded by so many great people and I just wanted to dedicate an article to those who have been very supportive, bright, and powerful in my life :))

Who will I be without the friends?
- I want to be more proactive and encouraging person.
I really wanna be like my friends. I didn't think about this ,much before, but I am someone who easily gets  influenced quite a bit  by the surroundings and I just happened to be around good ones, but from now on, I want to start creating one.

My friends are always the ones that I have lots of respect for, and I want to say big thank you to them 💛
I don' t know who is reading this, maybe none of them haha,
but I am just writing this today so I will never forget the appreciation.
I hope my people are happy no matter where they go, yes YOU the ones who get check-in messages from me time to time !

Hanae