Talking to myself through writing

Well I've finally found time to write… Or more like I have decided that I need to squeeze out some time to write. Tonight I realized for the first time in a while that writing is something I need more than good food, rest or chats with other people. Let's see how it goes… Probably I won't be able to come up with any clear conclusion through this writing but I will allow that to myself.

The past few months have been rough, quite rough - making undoubtfully one of the biggest decisions in my life, putting myself in a energy-consuming environment that I once believed that I would never come back, and taking up some responsibilities and juggling them when it was already exhausting enough... But at least I have survived up till now.

Saying no to those I know, letting go of a relationship, and doing something I know would hurt others are something I am worst at and I have always avoided in my life. I always knew early enough when I don't want to be with certain people, so I almost never had to let go of anyone - I just do not choose them in the first place. I can say that I never ended any relationship out of my needs or my own desire, except for this time.

Another thing I did not know in my past life is to put myself first in a real sense. It feels really awkward to put myself first, particularly when I know that it would hurt others. But this time, I really needed to prioritize my needs, feelings, and most of all, my dignity. I was at a point where I almost could not ignore the pain and hurt that I have had in the past few years any longer. Still, I was hesitant to advocate for my needs and strived to find a way that I did not have to hurt others. But sometimes, it seems to be impossible to do so… I have to say that I hurt others although I myself was, and had been very much hurt as well. At the same time, I knew that this would be for the better for them and myself in the future.

I am having feelings and emotions I cannot put into words. They have been evolving and taking different shapes over the past few weeks and months. And I am drowned. Still I am faking smiles, I am trying to behave nicely and brightly, and working as if nothing is wrong with my life. But at many times in a day, whirling negative emotions overwhelm me, making me feel like I am at the edge. I am hurt at the fact that I had been much more hurt than I thought I was over the past few years, and I feel incredibly insecure about my future. There is something I painfully want, but I don't have the strength to believe that it will surely come to me. I want it right away, just to feel alright. I feel like bursting into tears for no reason many times a day, and I keep wishing I could cry the whole night until my tears run up - however, I am not even allowed to do so, mostly because of my schedules that I don't have much power to control.

I don't know how to deal with this. Maybe only time can heal. All I can do and am doing is to pray and to self-affirm that I'll be okay. I am trying to find strength and confidence within myself, and I am desperate to do so. And yet I have no clue on how to. I need someone telling me that I will be fine in a warm, loving way, but I am not finding anyone I can immediately turn to.

But thank God I at least had some time to write tonight.