Boyfriends/partners/husbands

F, this is a little difficult for me to explain to you or maybe for you to understand knowing your knowledge of English. I am willing to explain the lot to you as I'm sure that if you do finally understand, you will take my advice. If you stick to it, you will surely be successful in your next relationship. I guarantee it.

Maybe you deliberately don't won't want to understand because it explains the reality of how you are, your current lifestyle. Maybe you're happy as you are. I know you're aren't happy because you tell me that you are struggling in every aspect of your life including your current relationship.
I know exactly what I'm talking about because I'm a guy, I know how a guy thinks, I have experience. I'm certain about this. Anyway, I hope who every reads this and is the the same situation as F, will understand what I want to convey and that this advice will help anyone find a better companion, possibly for life.
So....
To start off with, a man chases a woman primarily for sex. A man is always horny. Always. He's an animal constantly on heat. This is a giveaway. If you meet a man who says he doesn't think about sex or doesn't fantasize when he sees a woman of his choice, he's either gay or lieing.
If you meet a man who is still searching for sex but a notch less than the players out there, asks you for a date and is ready to wait to have sex with you, he's probably a better man than the rest.
But if sex is all he thinks about and only wants to fulfill his 'Japanese girlfriend' fantasies and in the meantime is never kind, loving, compassionate and is never ready to compromise with his partner, he's useless as a long term partner. I'm sure everyone agrees with me there! You don't want a player as your husband. He might be good for a couple of years (if), only until the attraction runs out.

How do you distinguish a player from a gentleman?
When choosing a prospective man seriously,
it's a must not to have sex with him immediately even though you might be as desperate as he is at that particular moment. No guy who is willing to admit this because, like I said, he wants the physicality in the relationship, instantly. You can tell him that you don't want to have sex and he will do his utmost, fill you with shit until you fall for him.
But, a guy who is looking seriously for a good partner will accept this. He will treat you with respect because of your self respect. Good men much prefer this type of a woman to a loose one.
If, for example, on first or second date, your new guy takes you somewhere romantic, dinner maybe, gets you a little tipsy and thus horny and suddenly, in your murky thoughts, he's looking hotter... yes...he'll put a little pressure on you and you'll have sex with him at the end of the evening. Knowing you F, as weak as you are, you'll give in easily and enjoy it. Good luck to that if that's all you you're looking for and what you actually want. Go ahead, have the good sex.
But, if you quickly evaluate him in that date night before your mind runs away with you, and think and realise how intelligent, fun, smart, classy, seemingly a good person for the future, the secret in capturing him is not having sex with him on date night and for long after you first meet, actually for as long as it takes to get to know him. This is where you need to be strong and resist. (again, your biggest flaw!) Learn to say no and stick to it. Saying no to someone doesn't necessarily mean a bad thing. You might be tempted to get intimate with him or give him the sex he wants because you think you'd lose him if you don't or you think he'd think badly of you if you don't comply. He might seem to get offended if you say no to him and he'll do everything for that shag, but, if you keep resisting and telling him that you want to develop a relationship before sex, trust me, in the long run you'll benefit. In that sexless period, if you see that he stuck with you and has patience to entertain you, to get to know more about you, to treat you really well, then, this shows good qualities in a guy, patience and care being two of them. Let him chase you for sex but keep putting him off gently. If he's a decent guy, he will do this discreetly and not openly thus giving you more value in the relationship. Abstaining from sex also gives him something to look forward to. (The satisfaction is in the waiting and not the quick sex.)
In the meantime, you'll be discovering more about his character and to what extent he'll go, consistently, to conquer you.
On the other hand, if he insists on being intimate, tries to bullshit you to impress you, saying all the nice things he wants you to hear, promising you the world (trust me, guys go to this extent when they're shunned after suggesting sex) doesn't take no for an answer, runs out of patience because he wasn't successful (didn't get the sex) he'll leave you, so, he was not worth your time. ie, if he never contacts you again because you refused to have sex with him after the first date, it's he's loss, he's a shit head.
If on the other hand you give into him easily, to him, you're another toy like the rest he had before. He charmed you, asked you out, conquered you sexually so the rest of you becomes uninteresting, unadventurous for him. His primary objective was achieved. The chase is over so he just sees you as a sexual object. The chasing period is the most important part of a serious relationship. If you were easy as you have been F, throughout your new relationship he might treat you well, enough to keep you content, he'd fill you with nice, charming words to keep you interested and keep having good sex but these actions, words are shallow and fake and will be evident in long term. (S is the perfect example) If you don't challenge him, he'll find you easy to control and a man generally doesn't like that. If he likes to control you, then he's simply not a good man. Men love challenges, even the biggest playboys do. The tougher you are playing hard to get the keener the guy will be because he will do anything to get into your pants. Let him do his maximum. Only you would benefit from this.
This is why a woman is so powerful and can get what she wants when she wants, always.
Not all women understand this power because most of them think only minutes ahead and are either afraid to be rejected, ridiculed or left single. Guys will show you much more respect if you are able to resist them because this shows a woman's self discipline and is not considered a slut.
If the same guy notices your good qualities or you happened to be a career woman, or rich or classy, he'll make an effort to keep you. (if that's what half he's after) If it's just sex he wants, he'll give up on you irrelevant of your stature or beauty.
You are who you are F. You're weak. Not strong willed. Easy. Honestly, any relationship you're in and have been in can get stagnant, easily stale. As a person you're(wonderful) reserved, shy, not quite eloquent. Because of this, you cannot keep anyone interested or intrigued by talking your way through whole evenings of interesting chats. The good sex you offer makes up for these deficiencies. You cannot have a relationship based on sex and you will only attract maniacs if you're easy.
The magic of sex can easily fade.
So, if after a few sexless dates, he runs out of patience, he'll quit. This shows that he was useless, just one track minded, sex mad. On the other hand, if he held on for weeks, possibly even months without sex and was still eager to meet you, still cared about you, your wellbeing, treated you well, pampered you, means he's serious about you as a person. It shows how serious he is about your knowing your character, how committed he is to you and how interested he is in your company other than just your pussy.
If you have sex with him easily, first or second date, he'll love you for pleasing him. He will become addicted to sex with you and, like a drug he'll do anything crazy to get to you. (your current boyfriend) As we said, the magic of sex can fade and after a while, if he is a pro player he'd look for fresh better sex and he'll dump you. If sex between you becomes slightly less exciting or, say, you get pregnant, he won't want to have sex with you as often, therefor will look for it somewhere else. (In S's case he will marry you but is allowed to marry others at the same time)
In the case of you and S, it's obvious that he's with you for sex and maybe you're happy with that. Fine. But you're not. You can't see a future with him for obvious reasons. To him, you are a fantasy come true, a trophy girlfriend, good-looking, controllable and sexy.
You told me yourself that if you're alone with him, at dinner or just with friends, the atmosphere is uncomfortably quiet, he's boring and doesn't chat with you in detail (let alone intellectually) He doesn't even listen to you, he never tries to discover more about you. In these periods you're just waiting patiently for the end of the evening, the sex part which you both enjoy. This is what I mean about being in love with a person or being in love with a situation.
Think about what this says about this person and ones like him which are more common than not.
With the islander, the African guy, it was the same only the islander was maybe more polite, and was more tactful. These relationships didn't last long because you were too easy, so much so that after each relationship ended, weeks or months later these guys contacted you hoping for an easy fuck. This definitely isn't the love you're looking for.
On the other hand, take me just as an example. I did anything and everything to please you, made sure you were comfortable around me, kept you entertained, conversed even on a more intellectual level. I helped you in any way, effortlessly without thinking of anything in return. All I wanted was to be nice to you, I wanted to feel appreciated, respected and happy in good company. Obviously, I was attracted to you because you are an attractive person. When I got to know you, in those months, I never thought of the end result, sex. Instead, I thought about discovering more about you every day, rubbing love into your cold, hard heart. I wanted you to be with me long term. That was the end result I wanted. I always told you that it was a matter of when and not if because I was confident that you'd feel my love, like it and fall for me. The sex would have eventually come if we were together which eventually we were (whether you used me or not, lied to me about loving me or not is another subject!)
So is a guy with you for sex or is he actually looking for a long term relationship where he's willing to wait for his first fuck. You might call me old-fashioned but guys like me still exist especially if you discipline them a bit. If this is what you want, a guy who will respect you, this is the way to go.
So F, can you now see the difference between a player, a charmer and a gentleman? Understanding all this, do you realise whom you should aim for?

This note was written with the intention to send it to my once Japanese girlfriend, F. Sadly for me, she doesn't want me back but because I love her so much, I cannot let her go and I'd feel guilty if I do because my mission (to help sort her life out) would have failed. My love for her is endless albeit unrequited.

Apologies if not written in the best of ways.

I mean no offence to anyone, anyway. I also understand that cultures differ so this advice is based solely on my personal experience and opinion.