2023/01/20 English

BGM: Primal Scream - Don't Fight It, Feel It

Today I worked late. This morning I went to the library and borrowed Kenichiro Mogi's "A Life and Contingency". I read it and felt impressed deeply. I am here as this person. It is a clear fact. But I could be anybody else by chance. If I were born in Tokyo, or if I didn't go to Waseda. Looking at things from those kinds of "if" points, I feel that the reason why I am this is because of various chances or coincidences. A lot of coincidences... Mogi calls that a contingency. It is a keen opinion. I could be anyone else...

Looking back at my life, I can see some events have determined my life. I have lived this life brown by these events. I met Haruki Murakami's novel because a classmate next to me read it. I went to Waseda because my elder brother recommended it. After that, I spent half of a year as a NEET, and my doctor recommended me back to society so I started my work at my current company... If one of these events were different, that difference would change my life drastically. Life is really unseen. What would work as happiness or unhappiness? Totally enigmatic.

Recently I often hear the word "parent lottery". We can understand this word from the point of "contingency". Why did those parents bear me? Why could I not be born from different parents? Of course, these are just selfish opinions of naughty children. But in my case, I couldn't understand why my parents lived in the countryside. I also certainly wanted to blame them because of my autism. I have to accept that once I couldn't live with that contingency. But this world is just uncertain because of contingency so I have to survive that chaotic world.

Mogi writes that to dutiful my subjective point of view leads to being universal. For example, I read a book and felt sympathy. That emotion is just in me (from Mogi's viewpoint, I have a kind of qualia in my brain). But if I try to dig that impression and write about it like this and send it to someone else, then my personal impression can be delivered to someone else. Then, it becomes a universal thing and becomes a common thing. My action of writing this diary is just to spread my personal life. Yes, it is just like graffiti. But it would grip someone's mind. That is just a miracle... I learned it from this book.