The Remains of the Days with A Dog ----Forever Unforgettable----

In a backyard

　　　While you are walking in a residential area, you come across dogs and their owners walking as well as some remains which make you feel that there used to be a life of people and a dog; a wasted doghouse in a backyard, which has been left there without its user for long time, a fence which seems to have set for letting a dog run and play but now it is leaning with the paint falling off, etc..
　　　I still keep the sheets and cushions that my dog used to lie down on. Actually, I can’t let them go even though I know that she would never come back and use them.

In my neighbors’ eyes and my own mind

　　　Some of my neighbors told me that I always had been doing my best to take care of her and she had been happy with me. I know they tried to ease my sorrow of loss. Having said that, I also feel awkward and a question echoes in my mind; was I always such a good dog owner?
　　　 I was not ready to have a dog when I found her, a puppy then, at the roadside eighteen years ago. I didn’t know how to train a dog though my parents had one when I was young. I trained her in the wrong way at first. As I learned how to build a good relationship with her, the situation was getting better and better.
　　　Since I realized she had terrible skin trouble, I did anything to get the condition better. I saw five different vets as far as I can remember. At last one vet, who worked for an animal clinic in Obihiro (a city 120 km far in the west from my city) at the time, recommended a new medicine. The medicine worked well and her skin got better.

Regrets will make you overwrite your memories

　　　For these six months, whenever I looked back on the days with her, I am asking myself; Should I have done more? Shouldn’t I have done that in such a way?
　　　Having no other family, when I came back home late from work, consequently I left her alone for a long time.
Since she had been bedridden last December, I felt terrible to see her suffering from a bedsore even though I put cushions to support her and changed her position frequently so that she wouldn't feel pain. The wound was so bad and to avoid infection, she had to take a lot of antibiotics. I wondered if I just prolonged her pain. A thought about whether I should let her go with the medical assistant of the vet arose in my mind. I’m still wondering if I really wanted to stop her pain or MY pain.
All that I have done and I should have done still makes my heart ache. Will I come to remember happy memories only some day?
         I wish I could start over again with her. Stroking her soft fur, walking with her, talking to her, driving with her, all those memories are unforgettable.