暇な時間をどう過ごすか How to spend your free time

集中力、理解力がないので、時間を弄ぶことが多い。何もできないのだ。
前はそれで発狂しそうな気持ちになっていた。脳が故障すると本当に生きづらくなる。でも周りにはそれがよく伝わらない。

結局のところ人生はすべて自分次第なのだと思う。誰になんと言われても自分を信じること、それしかないような気がしてくる。

でも私は、無事に作業所を1年間通所することができたら、ソロウェディングをしようと思った。目標ができた。43歳、未婚障がい者の夢。周りからは痛いと思われるかもしれないけど、自分を大切にしたいので、きちんと実現したいし、撮った写真は両親や恩師、仲間たちに見せたい。一生の宝物にしたい。深刻な病気を抱えても生きてきた人の奇跡を写真におさめたいと思う。

暇な時間はそんな風に妄想してすごしている。今の私のウェディングドレス姿はどんな感じなんだろうか。

I have no concentration or understanding, so I often play with time. I can't do anything. Before, I felt like I was going crazy. When your brain breaks down, it's really hard to live. But it's hard to communicate that to the people around me.

In the end, I think life is all up to you. No matter what anyone says, you have to believe in yourself.

But I thought that if I could successfully attend the workshop for a year, I would have a solo wedding. I have a goal. The dream of a 43-year-old unmarried person with a disability. People around me might think it's sad, but I want to take care of myself, so I want to make it happen properly, and I want to show the photos I take to my parents, my mentor, and my friends. I want to treasure it for my whole life. I want to take photos of the miracle of people who have lived despite having serious illnesses.

I spend my free time daydreaming like that. I wonder what I would look like in a wedding dress now.