Lepers, Father / Tojo Koichi
きくよむ文学 ラジオ
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癩者の父
東條耿一
私が癩の宣告を受けたのは十六歳の時である。
併しもう其れより二三年前、癩性斑紋が私の顔に出ていたし、右足には炬燵で焼いた水泡の疵があった。
父は私の顔の斑紋を氣にして、私の顔さえ見れば、むっつりと、しげしげ見つめる。
私が學校から歸って、まだ鞄も下ろさないうちに、私を日向に連れて行って、斑紋の出ている所を手で押してみたり、抓ってみたりする。
時には針で突ついて痛くないかと訊いたりする。
客が來ている時でも、食事の時でも、父は何氣なさそうに注意深く私の顔に視線を注ぐ。
床についてからでも、ふと眼を覺ました時など、じっと覗き込んでいる父の眼にぶつかって、ぞっとした事も度々であった。
母は、私の斑紋が背や臀の方へ移るようにと神頼みをして、私にも信心を起こす様にとすすめた。
この間、塗布薬を用いたり生姜湯で罨法したりしていたが、何の効果もなかった。
私は家から二里ばかり離れた社に、寒い頃であったが二十一日間、夜の明け切らぬうちに二里の道を往復し始め、寒寒と星の耀う社頭に霜の凍りついた土に両手をつかえ、斑紋の快癒を泣いて祈願したのであった。
が高等小學校を卒業した時、私は癩の宣告をされたのである。
その頃、父は五十何歳かの職工であった。
私に高等小學校を修了させるのは並大抵の事ではなかったに違いない。
県立病院で診斷を濟ませて歸ると、父は声を顫わせて慟哭した。
私も泣き、母も泣いた。
父は私を斬って自分も腹を切ると云ってきかなかった。
若し母と姉が居合せてくれなかったら、どういう羽目になっていたであろうか。
ふたりめの癩者とわれの知りしとき声にいだして哭きし人はも
父の棄てし刀つめたく冴え返る燈小暗き畳の上に
次男の兄の發病したのは、私がまだ幼少の頃であったらしい。
私が七八歳の頃には、兄の病勢は大分進行して、頭髪も眉毛も殆ど脱落し、その上潰瘍しきった顔は、どす黒く光っていた。
手足にも繃帯を巻いていた。
終日隠れて住んでいたようである。
それも長屋住居の二間しかない家のことである。
兄はいつも三畳間の方に居た。
板の間にうすべりを敷いたきりの細長い室で、父が兄の爲に設けた小さな炉が切ってあった。
奥に一間の戸棚があり、客のある場合には、眞夏でも兄は溲瓶替りの徳利を抱え込んで、この戸棚の中にひそんでいた。
長居の客や、飯時になっても歸らない客があると、兄はよく戸棚の中で咳ばらいをしたり、羽目板をどんどん足で蹴ったりした。
母はおろおろして、わざと咳を二つ三つしては、もう少し辛抱してくれと合図をするのであった。
時には、どうも鼠が騒いで困るんですよと、などと立上り、戸棚の兄を小声で宥めすかすのであった。
母が一番氣をつかうのは兄の便の事であった。
便所が隣家と共同なので、母がまず先に行って、人の居ないのを確かめ便所の入口に母が見張りに立つ。
それでも母の留守の間に便所へ立って、うっかり隣家の子供に見つかったこともあったのであろう、或時、隣家の子供が私に、おめえンちには變な人が居るんだなア、あれや誰だい？ と訊くのであった。
その時、私は眞赤になって否定した事だけは覺えている。
當時の私は兄がどんな訳で隠れているのか判らなかった。
勿論癩など判ろう筈もない。
兄は十日に一度位行水をした。
裏庭に板や筵に囲った小屋の様な中で、母と姉が人目を憚りながら、兄を盥に入れて洗ってやるのを折々見かけた。
兄の身體は異様な臭氣がし、體にはいつも虱がわいていた。
うっかり姉や他の兄達が、家の中が臭くてやりきれないなどと愚痴をこぼそうものなら、兄はすさまじい剣幕で怒鳴り散らした。
そんな時、母は泣いて兄にあやまるのであった。
又兄はよく私に内密で買い物を頼んだ。
私はこの兄を憐れに思っていたらしく、兄の云う事は何でもよく聞いてやった。
私が菓子を買って來ると、兄は其の中の幾つかを、にやにや笑いながら私に呉れた。
私は平氣でそれらの菓子を喰い、又兄の相手にもなって遊んだ。
その頃、家では泥棒を飼って置く様なもんだ、其處いらにうっかり物も置けやしないと、姉や小さい兄達が騒いだ。
私は、斯の様な兄との交渉のうちに、兄の病氣を感染していたのであろう。
その頃の父はよく酒を呑んだ。
仕事の歸りに定って居酒屋で呑んで來る。
兄や姉が仕事から歸って來ても、みんなが夕飯を濟ませても、父の膳だけがいつも炉の傍に据えられてあった。
七時になり、八時になっても父の姿が見えないと、母はぶつぶつ云い乍ら門口まで何度も行ったり來たりする。
兄達はさっさと遊びに出掛けて了い、残るのは母と姉と私、それに小さい妹と隠れている兄の五人だけである。
こんな晩に私と母で父を迎えに出掛けると、父は寄りつけの居酒屋にいるか、路傍に呑んだくれて倒れているか、誰かに連れられて來る途中であったりして、小さい私と母が両脇から五體の自由を失っている父を背負うようにして歸って來るのである。
父は家に歸ると、すぐ又酒を所望するので、母がたしなめると、父は激しい語氣で怒り出すのである。
はては掴み合いとなり、若い頃から苦労ばかりの母は、すぐ逆上してヒイヒイと云う騒ぎに、小さい私と妹が、泣きながら必死になって、父の足や母の袖に取り縋って、右にもまれ、左に転がされながら、何とかして二人の争いをやめさせようとする。
これは殆ど毎夜のように續いた。
隣同士の人達も、始めのうちこそ、飛んで來て仲裁もしたが・・・・。
こんな騒ぎの後で、父は定って三畳間へ行き兄に毒舌を吐いた。
「お前みたいな業さらしが居るから、家中してこんな苦労をせにゃならん、さっさと早く死んでしまわんかい」兄は黙って頭を垂れているだけであった。
ある年の秋清潔法施行が濟んで間もない頃の事であった。
大掃除の日には、兄も家に潜んでいられないので、結飯を持ってまだ夜の明けぬうちに、四五里奥の深山に隠れる。
そして掃除が濟み、とっぷり日が暮れてから歸ってくるのである。
或日、學校から歸って來ると、父が小さな裏庭にせっせと穴を掘っている。
穴はかなり大きく深いもので、スコップで土を揚げている父の頭が、地面とすれすれのところに動いている。
こんな大きな穴を掘ってどうするの？ と私が穴の縁から覗き込んで尋ねると、父は私を見上げ、一瞬恐ろしい眼をして睨んだ。
「がきの知ったこちゃない。
あっちへ行っていろ！」私は驚いてこそこそと離れた。
この穴は四五日の間そのままにしてあった。
或夜、物音に私はふっと眼をさました。
周囲が何となく騒がしい。
布團の中からそっと覗くと、ほの暗い十燭燈の光りの中に、父は炉端に拳をつくって黙座している。
傍に母が背をまるめ、袖を噛んで忍び泣いている。
そしてその向う側の三畳の方では小さい方の兄と姉が、病氣の兄のどす黒い二の腕に繃帯を巻いてやっている。
私は背すじがぞくぞくして布團の中にそっともぐり込んだ。
翌日私が學校から歸ってくると、裏の穴はきれいに埋められ、新しい土の匂いがしていた。
後になって父母の話を盗み聞きしたところから想像すると、あの夜、父は兄の合意の上、金棒で兄を殺害し、死體は裏の穴にこっそり埋葬する段取りになっていたらしい。
ところが父の一撃を受けると、兄が急に悲鳴を上げたので、隣家の人が駈けつけて來た。
この一件があってから、父は押黙って暮す日が多くなり、一層酒の量を増して云った。
之に類した事件は、これだけではなかった。
或時は兄の首に石を結びつけてやり、山中の沼に投じさせようとした。
投身はしたが死にきれず、他の兄達が見かねて沼に入り、溺れかけている兄を助け上げたのだそうである。
或時は首をくくろうとし、或時は鉄路に飛込んだが跳ねとばされて目的を達しなかった。
父の焦燥と懊悩が日毎に増してきた。
私が十歳頃、或日兄は突然姿をくらました。
その後、兄からの消息で、身延山の療養所に居るのが判った。
私の家にかすかな光りがさしそめたのはそれから四五年の間であろうか。
併し私の發病となった。
父は十六歳の私によく言った。
人間に生まれ人並の身體を持てず人並の生活も出來ない者は、生きていても本當に詰らぬ、生きている資格がない、長く生恥を晒すよりは、一思いに死んだ方がましだ。
死ぬには一分とはいらない、剃刀で一寸咽喉を切れば萬事が解決される、お前にやる勇氣がなければ、父が咽喉を切って手本を示そう。
そういう時の父は、静かな口調で、しげしげと私を視凝めながら云うのである。
私は腹の底まで胴震いするほど怖ろしかった。
夜もゆっくり落ち着いて寝ていられなかった。
私には何の希望も張もなかった。
といって自殺するほどつきつめない。
私に唯一の救手は、町に別居して映画館の音楽手をしていた直ぐ上の兄で、時々町へ連れて行っては御馳走を食わせ、映画を見せてくれた。
時には山や野に連れて行って慰めてくれた。
私は別れになると、いつも泣きながら、早く家へ歸って來てと頼んだ。
このような日々が三月、半年と續く間に、身延から神山の復生病院に移っていた兄から便りがあって、病氣ならすぐ來る様にと云って來た。
その年の秋に私は父につれられて復生病院に入院したのである。
途中も父は死を決意し、私を道伴にしようとしたが、思い餘って諦めた、と後で退院して、母から聞かされた時、私はひやりとした。
御殿場と復生病院の間の道程がもっと長いか、私達の神山行きが夜間ででもあったら、どうであったろう。
復生病院に於ける私の生活については、私がドルワル・ド・レゼー師から受洗した事と日常生活が私の生涯に消えぬ印象を與えた事だけ記して置こう。
然し私は、斑紋のすっかり取れた顔を是非見たいと云う父母の願いで、一年足らずで復生病院を去らなければならなかった。
顔の斑紋さえ消えればもう癩はなおったつもりで喜んでいる單純な父母。
私は内心淋しく人並の労働仕事に從事することになった。
それに私にとって最も苦痛であったのは、仕事が濟んでくたくたに疲れ切っている身體に大楓子油の注射を打つ事であった。
日曜と特別の差支えがない限り、定って打ねばならぬ事は、餘程強い意志の力が必要であった。
まして長屋住居の小っぽけな家に、人眼を避けてやるのである。
大楓子油を湯に溶かしている所へ不意に客があったり注射している最中に隣家の人が入って來たりして、隨分とあわてふためく事もあった。
又仕事の最中に、注射のしこりが痛かったり、時には化膿したりして、同僚の者達にも變に思われた事が少なくなかった。
それでも三年ほどはどうやら續けたが、病氣も別に變わりがなかったし、それに自分一人だけ痛い思いをして注射しながら生きる事に倦いて來た。
教會にも行かなくなった。
こんな疲れた氣持は私を自棄にし、刹那享楽主義者に仕立てて云った。
私は酒を呑み、女と遊ぶ事を覺えた。
そして二三年ばかり經過した。
私の顔には又斑紋が浮いて來た。
私の怖れていた來るべき時が遂に來たのであった。
私は密かに死を決していた。
復生病院の思い出も、洗礼の日の感激も、私の中からいつか消え失せ、世を疎み自嘲する心がそれらに替わっていた。
その頃、妹が發病したのであった。
又しても父の苦悶、母の悲嘆。
私はただ酒を求めて巷をさまよった。
そして徴兵検査の濟んだ春、誰にも黙って自殺行に出たのである。
私と妹が現在の療養所に落着いてはや八年に近い。
主はいつ如何なる場合にも、いと深き罪人をも棄て給うことはない。
主は私の中にも人並みの孝心と云う温かいものを育み給うた。
私は嘗て父に改宗を勧めたことがある。
復生病院から歸った當時にも折に觸れては救霊のことを、基督のこと、教會のこと等について、わかりやすく説いたが、うんあの耶蘇のことか、と云ったきりだったし、母も亦、私が持っている十字架やメダイユを見て、家には先祖からの神仏が祭ってあるのに、と云う始末であった。
その後、私自身教會を離れて了った。
こちらに來て、私もカトリックに復歸してみると、又老いた父母のことが氣になってならない。
恵まれなかった生涯だけに、救霊の方法を是非講じてやらなければならぬと思った。
私は又父に對して長文の手紙をかいた。
父からは何の返信もなかった。
私は重ねて手紙を書いた。
その父も胃癌で今は重湯も飲めない。
医師は既に餘命幾何もないと宣している。
若し神の存在が考えられず永世と云うものが我々に約束されていないとしたら、私は父を思うに忍びないであろう。
私は主の御前に額づいて祈るばかりである。
それだけが私に與えられた唯一の道であり孝心である。
神は眞實にて在せば、汝等の力以上に試みられることを許し給わず、却って、堪うる事を得させん爲に、試みと共に勝つべき方法をも賜うべし。
（コリント前・十ノ十三）
三人の癩者の父と生れまして心むなしく病みたまいけん
ふたたびは生まれることなしうつし世に仕える時よつひにあらぬかも
（「聲」１月号）
Tojo Koichi 東條耿一 1915.4.7 - 1942.9.4
The leper's sons and their father
Tojo Koichi
I was diagnosed with leprosy when I was 16 years old.
However, 2-3 years before that, leprosy marks had appeared on my face, and I had blisters on my right leg from being heated by a kotatsu.
My father was concerned about the marks on my face, and whenever he saw me, he would stare at me sullenly.
When I returned from school, before I even put my bag down, he would take me out into the sun and try pressing or pinching the marks with his hand.
Sometimes he would poke it with a needle and ask if it hurt.
Whether we had guests over or we were eating, my father would casually and carefully stare at my face.
Even after I went to bed, I would wake up and sometimes I would be shocked to see my father staring at me.
My mother prayed to God that my marks would move to my back and buttocks, and encouraged me to develop faith.
During this time, I tried using ointments and ginger soup, but it didn't work.
I went to a shrine about two miles from my house, and for twenty-one days, before dawn, I began to travel two miles back and forth to the shrine, which was about two miles away, even though it was a cold time of year. In front of the shrine, where the stars were shining, I held my hands on the frost-covered earth and cried and prayed for the marks to heal.
When I graduated from high school, I was diagnosed with leprosy.
At that time, my father was a craftsman in his fifties.
It must have been no easy task for me to finish high school.
When I returned home after being diagnosed at the prefectural hospital, my father was crying with a trembling voice.
I cried, and so did my mother.
My father insisted on cutting me down and then cutting his stomach open as well.
If my mother and sister had not been there, what would have happened?
The second leper, the one who had cried out loud when I knew him, was also
On the dim tatami mat, the cold light of my father's discarded sword was shining brightly.
It seems that my second brother was ill when I was still a child.
By the time I was seven or eight years old, my brother's illness had progressed considerably, and most of his hair and eyebrows had fallen out. Moreover, his face, covered with ulcers, was shining black.
His hands and feet were wrapped in bandages.
He seemed to have lived in hiding all day.
This was a tenement house with only two rooms.
My brother always stayed in the three-tatami room.
It was a long, narrow room with a floor covering between the wooden boards, and there was a small hearth that my father had set up for him.
There was a cupboard at the back, and when we had guests, even in the middle of summer, my brother would hide in this cupboard, carrying a sake bottle that served as a teapot.
If guests stayed long or did not return by mealtime, my brother would often cough in the cupboard or kick the paneling vigorously with his feet.
My mother would panic and deliberately cough a few times, signaling that he should be patient a little longer.
Sometimes she would stand up and whisper to my brother in the cupboard that the mice were making a lot of noise and it was bothering him.
My mother was most concerned about my brother's convenience.
Since we shared the toilet with our neighbors, my mother would go there first, make sure no one was there, and then stand guard at the entrance to the toilet.
Even so, there were times when I would go to the toilet while my mother was away and be accidentally seen by the neighbor's child, because one time the child from the next door asked me, "There's a strange person in your house. Who is that?"
I remember turning red and denying it.
At the time, I didn't know why my brother was hiding.
Of course, there was no way I could have known he had leprosy.
My brother took a bath about once every ten days.
I would occasionally see my mother and sister putting him in a washbasin in a hut surrounded by boards and straw mats in the backyard, avoiding the public's eyes, and washing him.
My brother had a strange smell, and he was always infested with lice.
If my older sister or other brothers were to accidentally complain that the house stinks and they can't stand it, my brother would yell at them with a ferocious anger.
At such times, my mother would cry and apologize to my brother.
My brother would also ask me to do the shopping in secret.
I felt sorry for my brother, so I listened to everything he had to say.
When I bought some sweets, my brother would give me some of them with a grin on his face.
I ate the sweets without any qualms and also played with my brother.
At that time, my older sister and younger brothers would complain that it was like keeping a thief in the house, and that they couldn't just leave things there by mistake.
I must have caught my brother's illness through these kinds of interactions with him.
My father drank a lot at that time.
I would come home from work and drink at a bar.
Even after my older brothers and sisters had returned from work and everyone had finished dinner, my father's tray was always set by the hearth.
When seven or eight o'clock rolled around and my father was still nowhere to be seen, my mother would go back and forth to the gate, grumbling to herself.
My older brothers would quickly go out to play, and only my mother, my older sister, me, my little sister, and my brother who was hiding were left behind.
On nights like this, when my mother and I went out to pick up my father, he would either be at the bar we frequented, or he would have collapsed by the roadside, drunk, or he would be on his way home with someone, and my mother and I would come home carrying my father, who had lost all movement in his limbs, on our backs.
When my father got home, he immediately asked for more alcohol, and when my mother tried to scold him, my father would get angry and speak harshly.
They ended up fighting, and my mother, who had always had a hard time since she was young, would quickly lose her temper and scream, while my sister and I, who were small, desperately tried to stop the fight by clinging to my father's legs and my mother's sleeves, being pushed from side to side.
This continued almost every night.
At first, the neighbors came running over to mediate, but...
After such a commotion, my father would always go to the three-tatami room and spit his words at my brother.
"It's because of a fool like you that the whole family has to go through all this trouble. Why don't you just die already?" My brother just bowed his head in silence.
It was one autumn, shortly after the Cleanliness Law had been put into effect.
On the day of the general cleaning, my brother couldn't stay hidden in the house, so he would take some rice and hide in the mountains four or five miles away before dawn.
After the cleaning was finished, he would return home after the sun had set.
One day, when I came home from school, I found my father busily digging a hole in the small backyard.
The hole was quite large and deep, and my father's head was just above the ground as he was using a scoop to push up the soil.
I peeked over the edge of the hole and asked him what he was doing digging such a big hole. He looked up at me, and for a moment he glared at me with a frightening look in his eyes.
"None of your business, you brat.
Go away!" I was shocked and sneaked away.
The hole was left as it was for four or five days.
One night, I was suddenly awakened by a noise.
There was some kind of commotion all around.
I sneaked a peek from inside the futon and, in the dim light of ten candles, my father was sitting silently by the hearth with his fists clenched.
My mother was beside him, hunched over, biting her sleeve and crying quietly.
And in the three-tatami room across from them, my younger brother and sister were wrapping bandages around my sick brother's dark upper arms.
My spine shivered and I slipped quietly into the futon.
When I came home from school the next day, the hole in the back had been neatly filled in and the air smelled of new earth.
Later, from eavesdropping on what my parents were saying, I imagined that that night, with my brother's consent, my father had killed him with a metal club and was planning to secretly bury the body in the hole in the back.
However, when my father hit him, my brother suddenly screamed, and the neighbors came running.
After this incident, my father spent more days in silence and drank more.
This was not the only incident like this.
One time, my father tied a stone around my brother's neck and tried to make him throw it into a swamp in the mountains.
He jumped in but did not die, so the other brothers could not bear to see him and went into the swamp to rescue him from drowning.
One time, he tried to hang himself, and another time he jumped under the railroad tracks but was thrown off and did not achieve his goal.
My father's frustration and anguish grew day by day.
When I was about ten years old, one day my brother suddenly disappeared.
After that, I heard from him and found out that he was in a sanatorium on Mount Minobu.
It must have been four or five years since then that a faint light shone on my house.
But it became my disease.
My father would often tell me when I was 16 years old.
If you are born a human and don't have a normal body or can't live a normal life, it's pointless to live. You don't deserve to live. It's better to die quickly than to suffer long-term shame.
It takes more than a minute to die. If you cut your throat with a razor, everything will be solved. If you don't have the courage to do it, I'll cut your throat and show you how.
At times like that, my father would say this in a quiet tone, staring intently at me.
I was so scared that my torso trembled.
I couldn't sleep peacefully at night.
I had no hope or motivation.
But I didn't push it so hard that I would commit suicide.
My only savior was my elder brother, who lived separately in town and worked as a music producer at a movie theater. He would sometimes take me to town, treat me to delicious food, and show me movies.
Sometimes he would take me to the mountains or fields to comfort me.
When we said goodbye, I would always cry and ask him to come home quickly.
Days like this continued in March, and as the month went by, I received a message from my brother, who had moved from Minobu to Fukase Hospital in Kamiyama, telling me to come immediately if I was ill.
In the fall of that year, my father took me to Fukase Hospital.
During the journey, my father had decided to die, and tried to take me with him on the way, but later, after he was discharged from the hospital, my mother told me that he had given up, and I felt a chill down my spine.
I wondered what would have happened if the journey between Gotemba and Fukase Hospital had been longer, or if we had gone to Kamiyama at night.
Regarding my life at the Fuksei Hospital, I will only record that I was baptized by Father Doruwal de Leysay and that the daily life there left an indelible impression on me.
However, I had to leave the Fuksei Hospital in less than a year, as my parents wanted to see me with all the marks gone.
My parents were simple and happy, thinking that I would be cured of leprosy as soon as the marks on my face disappeared.
I ended up doing ordinary labor work, feeling lonely inside.
The most painful thing for me was having to inject maple oil into my body when I was completely exhausted after work.
It took a lot of willpower to have to inject it regularly, unless it was on a Sunday or some other special occasion.
Moreover, I had to avoid the eyes of others in our tiny tenement house.
While I was dissolving maple oil in the bath, a customer would suddenly show up, or a neighbor would come in while I was giving an injection, and I would get quite flustered.
Also, while I was working, the injection site would hurt and sometimes suppurate, and my coworkers would often think I was strange.
I continued on for about three years, but there was no change in my illness, and I grew tired of being the only one to suffer pain and get injections.
I also stopped going to church.
This tired feeling made me give up, and I was made into a momentary hedonist.
I remembered drinking and having fun with women.
And so two or three years passed.
Spots began to appear on my face again.
The time I had been dreading had finally come.
I had secretly resolved to die.
The memories of the Reconstruction Hospital and the emotions of the day of my baptism had disappeared from me, and were replaced by a feeling of estrangement from the world and self-deprecation.
Around that time, my sister had fallen ill.
My father was once again in agony, and my mother was once again in grief.
I wandered the streets in search of alcohol.
And one spring, after the conscription examination, I committed suicide without telling anyone.
It has been nearly eight years since my sister and I settled in our current sanatorium.
The Lord will never abandon even the most sinful person, no matter when or where.
The Lord has nurtured within me a warm heart of filial piety like any other.
I once encouraged my father to convert.
When I returned from the Reconstruction Hospital, I would occasionally speak to him and explain to him in an easy-to-understand way about salvation, Christ, the church, etc., but he would just say, "Oh, you mean Jesus?", and my mother, seeing the cross and medals I had, would say, "But we have gods and Buddhas worshipped in our house, which have been passed down from our ancestors."
After that, I myself left the church.
When I came here and returned to Catholicism, I couldn't help but worry about my elderly parents.
I thought that I had to do something to save their souls, since they had not had such a blessed life.
I wrote my father another long letter.
I received no reply from him.
I wrote him another letter.
My father also has stomach cancer and can't even drink thick soup now.
The doctor has already declared that he does not have much time left.
If God does not exist and eternal life is not promised to us, I would not be able to bear thinking of my father.
I bow my head before the Lord and pray.
That is the only path and filial piety that has been given to me.
If God is true, he will not allow you to be tempted beyond your strength, but will give you the means to overcome the temptation so that you will be able to endure it.
(1 Corinthians 10:13)
I was born the father of three lepers and suffered in vain.
I will never be born again and I will never serve the world again.
(Voice, January issue)
東條耿一
私が癩の宣告を受けたのは十六歳の時である。
併しもう其れより二三年前、癩性斑紋が私の顔に出ていたし、右足には炬燵で焼いた水泡の疵があった。
父は私の顔の斑紋を氣にして、私の顔さえ見れば、むっつりと、しげしげ見つめる。
私が學校から歸って、まだ鞄も下ろさないうちに、私を日向に連れて行って、斑紋の出ている所を手で押してみたり、抓ってみたりする。
時には針で突ついて痛くないかと訊いたりする。
客が來ている時でも、食事の時でも、父は何氣なさそうに注意深く私の顔に視線を注ぐ。
床についてからでも、ふと眼を覺ました時など、じっと覗き込んでいる父の眼にぶつかって、ぞっとした事も度々であった。
母は、私の斑紋が背や臀の方へ移るようにと神頼みをして、私にも信心を起こす様にとすすめた。
この間、塗布薬を用いたり生姜湯で罨法したりしていたが、何の効果もなかった。
私は家から二里ばかり離れた社に、寒い頃であったが二十一日間、夜の明け切らぬうちに二里の道を往復し始め、寒寒と星の耀う社頭に霜の凍りついた土に両手をつかえ、斑紋の快癒を泣いて祈願したのであった。
が高等小學校を卒業した時、私は癩の宣告をされたのである。
その頃、父は五十何歳かの職工であった。
私に高等小學校を修了させるのは並大抵の事ではなかったに違いない。
県立病院で診斷を濟ませて歸ると、父は声を顫わせて慟哭した。
私も泣き、母も泣いた。
父は私を斬って自分も腹を切ると云ってきかなかった。
若し母と姉が居合せてくれなかったら、どういう羽目になっていたであろうか。
ふたりめの癩者とわれの知りしとき声にいだして哭きし人はも
父の棄てし刀つめたく冴え返る燈小暗き畳の上に
次男の兄の發病したのは、私がまだ幼少の頃であったらしい。
私が七八歳の頃には、兄の病勢は大分進行して、頭髪も眉毛も殆ど脱落し、その上潰瘍しきった顔は、どす黒く光っていた。
手足にも繃帯を巻いていた。
終日隠れて住んでいたようである。
それも長屋住居の二間しかない家のことである。
兄はいつも三畳間の方に居た。
板の間にうすべりを敷いたきりの細長い室で、父が兄の爲に設けた小さな炉が切ってあった。
奥に一間の戸棚があり、客のある場合には、眞夏でも兄は溲瓶替りの徳利を抱え込んで、この戸棚の中にひそんでいた。
長居の客や、飯時になっても歸らない客があると、兄はよく戸棚の中で咳ばらいをしたり、羽目板をどんどん足で蹴ったりした。
母はおろおろして、わざと咳を二つ三つしては、もう少し辛抱してくれと合図をするのであった。
時には、どうも鼠が騒いで困るんですよと、などと立上り、戸棚の兄を小声で宥めすかすのであった。
母が一番氣をつかうのは兄の便の事であった。
便所が隣家と共同なので、母がまず先に行って、人の居ないのを確かめ便所の入口に母が見張りに立つ。
それでも母の留守の間に便所へ立って、うっかり隣家の子供に見つかったこともあったのであろう、或時、隣家の子供が私に、おめえンちには變な人が居るんだなア、あれや誰だい？ と訊くのであった。
その時、私は眞赤になって否定した事だけは覺えている。
當時の私は兄がどんな訳で隠れているのか判らなかった。
勿論癩など判ろう筈もない。
兄は十日に一度位行水をした。
裏庭に板や筵に囲った小屋の様な中で、母と姉が人目を憚りながら、兄を盥に入れて洗ってやるのを折々見かけた。
兄の身體は異様な臭氣がし、體にはいつも虱がわいていた。
うっかり姉や他の兄達が、家の中が臭くてやりきれないなどと愚痴をこぼそうものなら、兄はすさまじい剣幕で怒鳴り散らした。
そんな時、母は泣いて兄にあやまるのであった。
又兄はよく私に内密で買い物を頼んだ。
私はこの兄を憐れに思っていたらしく、兄の云う事は何でもよく聞いてやった。
私が菓子を買って來ると、兄は其の中の幾つかを、にやにや笑いながら私に呉れた。
私は平氣でそれらの菓子を喰い、又兄の相手にもなって遊んだ。
その頃、家では泥棒を飼って置く様なもんだ、其處いらにうっかり物も置けやしないと、姉や小さい兄達が騒いだ。
私は、斯の様な兄との交渉のうちに、兄の病氣を感染していたのであろう。
その頃の父はよく酒を呑んだ。
仕事の歸りに定って居酒屋で呑んで來る。
兄や姉が仕事から歸って來ても、みんなが夕飯を濟ませても、父の膳だけがいつも炉の傍に据えられてあった。
七時になり、八時になっても父の姿が見えないと、母はぶつぶつ云い乍ら門口まで何度も行ったり來たりする。
兄達はさっさと遊びに出掛けて了い、残るのは母と姉と私、それに小さい妹と隠れている兄の五人だけである。
こんな晩に私と母で父を迎えに出掛けると、父は寄りつけの居酒屋にいるか、路傍に呑んだくれて倒れているか、誰かに連れられて來る途中であったりして、小さい私と母が両脇から五體の自由を失っている父を背負うようにして歸って來るのである。
父は家に歸ると、すぐ又酒を所望するので、母がたしなめると、父は激しい語氣で怒り出すのである。
はては掴み合いとなり、若い頃から苦労ばかりの母は、すぐ逆上してヒイヒイと云う騒ぎに、小さい私と妹が、泣きながら必死になって、父の足や母の袖に取り縋って、右にもまれ、左に転がされながら、何とかして二人の争いをやめさせようとする。
これは殆ど毎夜のように續いた。
隣同士の人達も、始めのうちこそ、飛んで來て仲裁もしたが・・・・。
こんな騒ぎの後で、父は定って三畳間へ行き兄に毒舌を吐いた。
「お前みたいな業さらしが居るから、家中してこんな苦労をせにゃならん、さっさと早く死んでしまわんかい」兄は黙って頭を垂れているだけであった。
ある年の秋清潔法施行が濟んで間もない頃の事であった。
大掃除の日には、兄も家に潜んでいられないので、結飯を持ってまだ夜の明けぬうちに、四五里奥の深山に隠れる。
そして掃除が濟み、とっぷり日が暮れてから歸ってくるのである。
或日、學校から歸って來ると、父が小さな裏庭にせっせと穴を掘っている。
穴はかなり大きく深いもので、スコップで土を揚げている父の頭が、地面とすれすれのところに動いている。
こんな大きな穴を掘ってどうするの？ と私が穴の縁から覗き込んで尋ねると、父は私を見上げ、一瞬恐ろしい眼をして睨んだ。
「がきの知ったこちゃない。
あっちへ行っていろ！」私は驚いてこそこそと離れた。
この穴は四五日の間そのままにしてあった。
或夜、物音に私はふっと眼をさました。
周囲が何となく騒がしい。
布團の中からそっと覗くと、ほの暗い十燭燈の光りの中に、父は炉端に拳をつくって黙座している。
傍に母が背をまるめ、袖を噛んで忍び泣いている。
そしてその向う側の三畳の方では小さい方の兄と姉が、病氣の兄のどす黒い二の腕に繃帯を巻いてやっている。
私は背すじがぞくぞくして布團の中にそっともぐり込んだ。
翌日私が學校から歸ってくると、裏の穴はきれいに埋められ、新しい土の匂いがしていた。
後になって父母の話を盗み聞きしたところから想像すると、あの夜、父は兄の合意の上、金棒で兄を殺害し、死體は裏の穴にこっそり埋葬する段取りになっていたらしい。
ところが父の一撃を受けると、兄が急に悲鳴を上げたので、隣家の人が駈けつけて來た。
この一件があってから、父は押黙って暮す日が多くなり、一層酒の量を増して云った。
之に類した事件は、これだけではなかった。
或時は兄の首に石を結びつけてやり、山中の沼に投じさせようとした。
投身はしたが死にきれず、他の兄達が見かねて沼に入り、溺れかけている兄を助け上げたのだそうである。
或時は首をくくろうとし、或時は鉄路に飛込んだが跳ねとばされて目的を達しなかった。
父の焦燥と懊悩が日毎に増してきた。
私が十歳頃、或日兄は突然姿をくらました。
その後、兄からの消息で、身延山の療養所に居るのが判った。
私の家にかすかな光りがさしそめたのはそれから四五年の間であろうか。
併し私の發病となった。
父は十六歳の私によく言った。
人間に生まれ人並の身體を持てず人並の生活も出來ない者は、生きていても本當に詰らぬ、生きている資格がない、長く生恥を晒すよりは、一思いに死んだ方がましだ。
死ぬには一分とはいらない、剃刀で一寸咽喉を切れば萬事が解決される、お前にやる勇氣がなければ、父が咽喉を切って手本を示そう。
そういう時の父は、静かな口調で、しげしげと私を視凝めながら云うのである。
私は腹の底まで胴震いするほど怖ろしかった。
夜もゆっくり落ち着いて寝ていられなかった。
私には何の希望も張もなかった。
といって自殺するほどつきつめない。
私に唯一の救手は、町に別居して映画館の音楽手をしていた直ぐ上の兄で、時々町へ連れて行っては御馳走を食わせ、映画を見せてくれた。
時には山や野に連れて行って慰めてくれた。
私は別れになると、いつも泣きながら、早く家へ歸って來てと頼んだ。
このような日々が三月、半年と續く間に、身延から神山の復生病院に移っていた兄から便りがあって、病氣ならすぐ來る様にと云って來た。
その年の秋に私は父につれられて復生病院に入院したのである。
途中も父は死を決意し、私を道伴にしようとしたが、思い餘って諦めた、と後で退院して、母から聞かされた時、私はひやりとした。
御殿場と復生病院の間の道程がもっと長いか、私達の神山行きが夜間ででもあったら、どうであったろう。
復生病院に於ける私の生活については、私がドルワル・ド・レゼー師から受洗した事と日常生活が私の生涯に消えぬ印象を與えた事だけ記して置こう。
然し私は、斑紋のすっかり取れた顔を是非見たいと云う父母の願いで、一年足らずで復生病院を去らなければならなかった。
顔の斑紋さえ消えればもう癩はなおったつもりで喜んでいる單純な父母。
私は内心淋しく人並の労働仕事に從事することになった。
それに私にとって最も苦痛であったのは、仕事が濟んでくたくたに疲れ切っている身體に大楓子油の注射を打つ事であった。
日曜と特別の差支えがない限り、定って打ねばならぬ事は、餘程強い意志の力が必要であった。
まして長屋住居の小っぽけな家に、人眼を避けてやるのである。
大楓子油を湯に溶かしている所へ不意に客があったり注射している最中に隣家の人が入って來たりして、隨分とあわてふためく事もあった。
又仕事の最中に、注射のしこりが痛かったり、時には化膿したりして、同僚の者達にも變に思われた事が少なくなかった。
それでも三年ほどはどうやら續けたが、病氣も別に變わりがなかったし、それに自分一人だけ痛い思いをして注射しながら生きる事に倦いて來た。
教會にも行かなくなった。
こんな疲れた氣持は私を自棄にし、刹那享楽主義者に仕立てて云った。
私は酒を呑み、女と遊ぶ事を覺えた。
そして二三年ばかり經過した。
私の顔には又斑紋が浮いて來た。
私の怖れていた來るべき時が遂に來たのであった。
私は密かに死を決していた。
復生病院の思い出も、洗礼の日の感激も、私の中からいつか消え失せ、世を疎み自嘲する心がそれらに替わっていた。
その頃、妹が發病したのであった。
又しても父の苦悶、母の悲嘆。
私はただ酒を求めて巷をさまよった。
そして徴兵検査の濟んだ春、誰にも黙って自殺行に出たのである。
私と妹が現在の療養所に落着いてはや八年に近い。
主はいつ如何なる場合にも、いと深き罪人をも棄て給うことはない。
主は私の中にも人並みの孝心と云う温かいものを育み給うた。
私は嘗て父に改宗を勧めたことがある。
復生病院から歸った當時にも折に觸れては救霊のことを、基督のこと、教會のこと等について、わかりやすく説いたが、うんあの耶蘇のことか、と云ったきりだったし、母も亦、私が持っている十字架やメダイユを見て、家には先祖からの神仏が祭ってあるのに、と云う始末であった。
その後、私自身教會を離れて了った。
こちらに來て、私もカトリックに復歸してみると、又老いた父母のことが氣になってならない。
恵まれなかった生涯だけに、救霊の方法を是非講じてやらなければならぬと思った。
私は又父に對して長文の手紙をかいた。
父からは何の返信もなかった。
私は重ねて手紙を書いた。
その父も胃癌で今は重湯も飲めない。
医師は既に餘命幾何もないと宣している。
若し神の存在が考えられず永世と云うものが我々に約束されていないとしたら、私は父を思うに忍びないであろう。
私は主の御前に額づいて祈るばかりである。
それだけが私に與えられた唯一の道であり孝心である。
神は眞實にて在せば、汝等の力以上に試みられることを許し給わず、却って、堪うる事を得させん爲に、試みと共に勝つべき方法をも賜うべし。
（コリント前・十ノ十三）
三人の癩者の父と生れまして心むなしく病みたまいけん
ふたたびは生まれることなしうつし世に仕える時よつひにあらぬかも
（「聲」１月号）
Tojo Koichi 東條耿一 1915.4.7 - 1942.9.4
The leper's sons and their father
Tojo Koichi
I was diagnosed with leprosy when I was 16 years old.
However, 2-3 years before that, leprosy marks had appeared on my face, and I had blisters on my right leg from being heated by a kotatsu.
My father was concerned about the marks on my face, and whenever he saw me, he would stare at me sullenly.
When I returned from school, before I even put my bag down, he would take me out into the sun and try pressing or pinching the marks with his hand.
Sometimes he would poke it with a needle and ask if it hurt.
Whether we had guests over or we were eating, my father would casually and carefully stare at my face.
Even after I went to bed, I would wake up and sometimes I would be shocked to see my father staring at me.
My mother prayed to God that my marks would move to my back and buttocks, and encouraged me to develop faith.
During this time, I tried using ointments and ginger soup, but it didn't work.
I went to a shrine about two miles from my house, and for twenty-one days, before dawn, I began to travel two miles back and forth to the shrine, which was about two miles away, even though it was a cold time of year. In front of the shrine, where the stars were shining, I held my hands on the frost-covered earth and cried and prayed for the marks to heal.
When I graduated from high school, I was diagnosed with leprosy.
At that time, my father was a craftsman in his fifties.
It must have been no easy task for me to finish high school.
When I returned home after being diagnosed at the prefectural hospital, my father was crying with a trembling voice.
I cried, and so did my mother.
My father insisted on cutting me down and then cutting his stomach open as well.
If my mother and sister had not been there, what would have happened?
The second leper, the one who had cried out loud when I knew him, was also
On the dim tatami mat, the cold light of my father's discarded sword was shining brightly.
It seems that my second brother was ill when I was still a child.
By the time I was seven or eight years old, my brother's illness had progressed considerably, and most of his hair and eyebrows had fallen out. Moreover, his face, covered with ulcers, was shining black.
His hands and feet were wrapped in bandages.
He seemed to have lived in hiding all day.
This was a tenement house with only two rooms.
My brother always stayed in the three-tatami room.
It was a long, narrow room with a floor covering between the wooden boards, and there was a small hearth that my father had set up for him.
There was a cupboard at the back, and when we had guests, even in the middle of summer, my brother would hide in this cupboard, carrying a sake bottle that served as a teapot.
If guests stayed long or did not return by mealtime, my brother would often cough in the cupboard or kick the paneling vigorously with his feet.
My mother would panic and deliberately cough a few times, signaling that he should be patient a little longer.
Sometimes she would stand up and whisper to my brother in the cupboard that the mice were making a lot of noise and it was bothering him.
My mother was most concerned about my brother's convenience.
Since we shared the toilet with our neighbors, my mother would go there first, make sure no one was there, and then stand guard at the entrance to the toilet.
Even so, there were times when I would go to the toilet while my mother was away and be accidentally seen by the neighbor's child, because one time the child from the next door asked me, "There's a strange person in your house. Who is that?"
I remember turning red and denying it.
At the time, I didn't know why my brother was hiding.
Of course, there was no way I could have known he had leprosy.
My brother took a bath about once every ten days.
I would occasionally see my mother and sister putting him in a washbasin in a hut surrounded by boards and straw mats in the backyard, avoiding the public's eyes, and washing him.
My brother had a strange smell, and he was always infested with lice.
If my older sister or other brothers were to accidentally complain that the house stinks and they can't stand it, my brother would yell at them with a ferocious anger.
At such times, my mother would cry and apologize to my brother.
My brother would also ask me to do the shopping in secret.
I felt sorry for my brother, so I listened to everything he had to say.
When I bought some sweets, my brother would give me some of them with a grin on his face.
I ate the sweets without any qualms and also played with my brother.
At that time, my older sister and younger brothers would complain that it was like keeping a thief in the house, and that they couldn't just leave things there by mistake.
I must have caught my brother's illness through these kinds of interactions with him.
My father drank a lot at that time.
I would come home from work and drink at a bar.
Even after my older brothers and sisters had returned from work and everyone had finished dinner, my father's tray was always set by the hearth.
When seven or eight o'clock rolled around and my father was still nowhere to be seen, my mother would go back and forth to the gate, grumbling to herself.
My older brothers would quickly go out to play, and only my mother, my older sister, me, my little sister, and my brother who was hiding were left behind.
On nights like this, when my mother and I went out to pick up my father, he would either be at the bar we frequented, or he would have collapsed by the roadside, drunk, or he would be on his way home with someone, and my mother and I would come home carrying my father, who had lost all movement in his limbs, on our backs.
When my father got home, he immediately asked for more alcohol, and when my mother tried to scold him, my father would get angry and speak harshly.
They ended up fighting, and my mother, who had always had a hard time since she was young, would quickly lose her temper and scream, while my sister and I, who were small, desperately tried to stop the fight by clinging to my father's legs and my mother's sleeves, being pushed from side to side.
This continued almost every night.
At first, the neighbors came running over to mediate, but...
After such a commotion, my father would always go to the three-tatami room and spit his words at my brother.
"It's because of a fool like you that the whole family has to go through all this trouble. Why don't you just die already?" My brother just bowed his head in silence.
It was one autumn, shortly after the Cleanliness Law had been put into effect.
On the day of the general cleaning, my brother couldn't stay hidden in the house, so he would take some rice and hide in the mountains four or five miles away before dawn.
After the cleaning was finished, he would return home after the sun had set.
One day, when I came home from school, I found my father busily digging a hole in the small backyard.
The hole was quite large and deep, and my father's head was just above the ground as he was using a scoop to push up the soil.
I peeked over the edge of the hole and asked him what he was doing digging such a big hole. He looked up at me, and for a moment he glared at me with a frightening look in his eyes.
"None of your business, you brat.
Go away!" I was shocked and sneaked away.
The hole was left as it was for four or five days.
One night, I was suddenly awakened by a noise.
There was some kind of commotion all around.
I sneaked a peek from inside the futon and, in the dim light of ten candles, my father was sitting silently by the hearth with his fists clenched.
My mother was beside him, hunched over, biting her sleeve and crying quietly.
And in the three-tatami room across from them, my younger brother and sister were wrapping bandages around my sick brother's dark upper arms.
My spine shivered and I slipped quietly into the futon.
When I came home from school the next day, the hole in the back had been neatly filled in and the air smelled of new earth.
Later, from eavesdropping on what my parents were saying, I imagined that that night, with my brother's consent, my father had killed him with a metal club and was planning to secretly bury the body in the hole in the back.
However, when my father hit him, my brother suddenly screamed, and the neighbors came running.
After this incident, my father spent more days in silence and drank more.
This was not the only incident like this.
One time, my father tied a stone around my brother's neck and tried to make him throw it into a swamp in the mountains.
He jumped in but did not die, so the other brothers could not bear to see him and went into the swamp to rescue him from drowning.
One time, he tried to hang himself, and another time he jumped under the railroad tracks but was thrown off and did not achieve his goal.
My father's frustration and anguish grew day by day.
When I was about ten years old, one day my brother suddenly disappeared.
After that, I heard from him and found out that he was in a sanatorium on Mount Minobu.
It must have been four or five years since then that a faint light shone on my house.
But it became my disease.
My father would often tell me when I was 16 years old.
If you are born a human and don't have a normal body or can't live a normal life, it's pointless to live. You don't deserve to live. It's better to die quickly than to suffer long-term shame.
It takes more than a minute to die. If you cut your throat with a razor, everything will be solved. If you don't have the courage to do it, I'll cut your throat and show you how.
At times like that, my father would say this in a quiet tone, staring intently at me.
I was so scared that my torso trembled.
I couldn't sleep peacefully at night.
I had no hope or motivation.
But I didn't push it so hard that I would commit suicide.
My only savior was my elder brother, who lived separately in town and worked as a music producer at a movie theater. He would sometimes take me to town, treat me to delicious food, and show me movies.
Sometimes he would take me to the mountains or fields to comfort me.
When we said goodbye, I would always cry and ask him to come home quickly.
Days like this continued in March, and as the month went by, I received a message from my brother, who had moved from Minobu to Fukase Hospital in Kamiyama, telling me to come immediately if I was ill.
In the fall of that year, my father took me to Fukase Hospital.
During the journey, my father had decided to die, and tried to take me with him on the way, but later, after he was discharged from the hospital, my mother told me that he had given up, and I felt a chill down my spine.
I wondered what would have happened if the journey between Gotemba and Fukase Hospital had been longer, or if we had gone to Kamiyama at night.
Regarding my life at the Fuksei Hospital, I will only record that I was baptized by Father Doruwal de Leysay and that the daily life there left an indelible impression on me.
However, I had to leave the Fuksei Hospital in less than a year, as my parents wanted to see me with all the marks gone.
My parents were simple and happy, thinking that I would be cured of leprosy as soon as the marks on my face disappeared.
I ended up doing ordinary labor work, feeling lonely inside.
The most painful thing for me was having to inject maple oil into my body when I was completely exhausted after work.
It took a lot of willpower to have to inject it regularly, unless it was on a Sunday or some other special occasion.
Moreover, I had to avoid the eyes of others in our tiny tenement house.
While I was dissolving maple oil in the bath, a customer would suddenly show up, or a neighbor would come in while I was giving an injection, and I would get quite flustered.
Also, while I was working, the injection site would hurt and sometimes suppurate, and my coworkers would often think I was strange.
I continued on for about three years, but there was no change in my illness, and I grew tired of being the only one to suffer pain and get injections.
I also stopped going to church.
This tired feeling made me give up, and I was made into a momentary hedonist.
I remembered drinking and having fun with women.
And so two or three years passed.
Spots began to appear on my face again.
The time I had been dreading had finally come.
I had secretly resolved to die.
The memories of the Reconstruction Hospital and the emotions of the day of my baptism had disappeared from me, and were replaced by a feeling of estrangement from the world and self-deprecation.
Around that time, my sister had fallen ill.
My father was once again in agony, and my mother was once again in grief.
I wandered the streets in search of alcohol.
And one spring, after the conscription examination, I committed suicide without telling anyone.
It has been nearly eight years since my sister and I settled in our current sanatorium.
The Lord will never abandon even the most sinful person, no matter when or where.
The Lord has nurtured within me a warm heart of filial piety like any other.
I once encouraged my father to convert.
When I returned from the Reconstruction Hospital, I would occasionally speak to him and explain to him in an easy-to-understand way about salvation, Christ, the church, etc., but he would just say, "Oh, you mean Jesus?", and my mother, seeing the cross and medals I had, would say, "But we have gods and Buddhas worshipped in our house, which have been passed down from our ancestors."
After that, I myself left the church.
When I came here and returned to Catholicism, I couldn't help but worry about my elderly parents.
I thought that I had to do something to save their souls, since they had not had such a blessed life.
I wrote my father another long letter.
I received no reply from him.
I wrote him another letter.
My father also has stomach cancer and can't even drink thick soup now.
The doctor has already declared that he does not have much time left.
If God does not exist and eternal life is not promised to us, I would not be able to bear thinking of my father.
I bow my head before the Lord and pray.
That is the only path and filial piety that has been given to me.
If God is true, he will not allow you to be tempted beyond your strength, but will give you the means to overcome the temptation so that you will be able to endure it.
(1 Corinthians 10:13)
I was born the father of three lepers and suffered in vain.
I will never be born again and I will never serve the world again.
(Voice, January issue)