Fear of Scent

Lately, I was thinking if I had a good nose. This doesn't mean that I hate my my nose, but I have a sinus problem and that's the reason why I started to think like this. I have a bad allergy affecting only to my nose since I was born. I haven't done anything in my past 10 years or more to fix my allergy, so as a result, I got a very bad sinus problem. I go to doctor like once a week now. Back to my main point, I can't smell things as the same way that people do. This lead me to be shame of myself. I don't know how I smell like which is scary for me. For example, I left my scarf at my work place and my coworker found it. She didn't know who it belongs to, so she sniffed it. She found out that the scarf was mine judging from the scent. I was scared to ask her how I smell like when she told me that. The scent issue (my fear of scent) also happened with my boyfriend. I am not telling all of it, but it made me uncomfortable enough to make myself cry at his bed alone. Now, I feel a little  scared of being close to him.

Have you heard of this, 'a sensory experience that triggers a rush of memories often long past, or even seemingly forgotten.'

Smells are strongly associated with memory. In fact, some scientists proofed that it is closely linked together. For me, knowing this fact was a torture. I barely smell. If I tried to smell, I can. But sometimes, I can't. If it was a strong smell, I could sense it, but that happen not much often. I feel like I was dirty when I couldn't smell myself. Once, I smelled like a trash even tho I was using a lot of perfume and spraying a lot of room deodorants. In the end, I found out that the bad smell came from my imagination and they were not real. These experiences traumatised me. You will never know how fearful it is to not being able to smell right. 

Well, back to the point. I wish I had a good nose. I guess there is more flavour to food, there is more excitement if I could smell more. I just hope my nose would get better soon.