The Recovery

Today marks almost a year since I fell into a pithole of depression, anxiety, terror, sadness, resentment and lethargy spiraling down into eventual severe panic attacks, apart from numerous symptons such as nervous system disregulation, chronic back pain, heart pain, and chronic fatigue to name a few.

It had forced me to start a long dark journey to save & heal my self - several compelling pursuits from mental clinic, trauma counseling, neurology checkup to reiki healing / hypnotherapy at the intersection of spirituality, mental, psychology and nervous system - to swim through the dark night of the soul towards light that must be somewhere.

It was a miracle yet inevitable to have been able to recover myself almost fully now - just two months between the time I was numb down on bed fearful of severe panic attacks (e.g. I had one occured during take-off on an airplane) and the time I got to just live life as a normal human bean...!

The key was simple. Surrender to my body’s incredible intelligence of self healing that’s working 24/7 for us. Our body had never taken a single action against us and only intended to heal us, only until we let our mind take over its control.

Accept things that occur whether it be natural panic attacks, hyperventillation, negative emotions, intense symptons or intrusive thoughts that natually occur in your experience. These are in fact merely energies trapped inside my body, which I had rejected to ”accept and feel", which are being released outside my body.

Our natural state of body is a beautiful stream of river in which the water flows just so smoothly that nothing blocks it - except old beliefs and emotional pains our mind created eventually form stagnant rocks against the stream. Reiki or chakras, yes, I’m talking about that mystic intelligence of our body, way smarter than what our mind can capture.

When you catch a cold you rather let your body do what it has to do to heal, naturally - same as wounds, diarrhea or vomitting. Detox completes when you accept its umcomfortability. Medicines are a temporary relief, or rather a mulfunctioning rid undercovering its substantial detox.

When trapped energy such as heavy intrusive thoughts or intense emotions get released as a process of natural self healing it always puts you in discomfort - quite often pretty horrific depending on its degree of supression. But that’s only when you let your mind interupt it. If you let yourself just feel its sensations and deem them just energy the tunnel becomes less dim and actually brighter.

That’s where lots of spiritual teachers, somantic trauma counseler or nervous system professionals (the good ones) put emphasis on “feel its sensations”, “just be”, “abide in quietness” to complete its natural healing process and welcome the natural state of our being fully back. Well, such terms might eventually lead to interesting truth we may hold behind our mind / ego - each of us might be God within. Being. Quietness. The “I”. There is light behind every experience among yin and yang energy.

Even if you’re on -100 on a scale of state of being it’s just very possible you can rise to +100, if you let yourself surrender behind every experience of energy release. I’m currently between -20 and +20 but it was a drastic rise in just two months from chronic -100. I’m quietly excited to see where it would take me as I continue surrendering and just being.

For this our only job is to surrender and let our body do its intelligence, almost as if we hold no free will anyway. I’m just saying as if… If there’s free will, then it could be just “to reject”. Well, rejecting is suffering.

Adverse way to look at it - how can we reject and supress negative energy within us, if we want to? It’s very simple.

Never feel it. Don’t feel it. Stir it with positive thoughts. Seek for positivity. Eat fat junk food to make your body feel numb so you don’t have to feel it. Excessive smoking, eating, drinking, tiktoking, instagraming or socializing. Good efforts to put aside your homework.

When negative emotions surface and it feels painful, you add a mind story to it than to simply feel it. Emotions = mind story + bodily sensations. If you subtract mind story from emotions it’s just bodily sensations and they’re not to be labeled as bad nor good. It’s just sensations.

In every second, our body is working towards balance of our imbalance in supressed energy and it is hypothetically like a pendulum swinging between yin and yang to natually float up towards love. If we favor either, then its swing goes imbalance and eventually sinks down to experience fear. I’m not judging either is better or worse. Every experience is indeed a sheer experience.

When a certain frequency of energy is being released, you’d experience a certain thought or emotion that just matches the flavor of it. So, if you’re currently experiencing depression, fear or sadness in a form of intrusive thoughts or endless emotions, you do not have to worry - be rather possibly in joy - that they can be a sign what type of energy is being released outside you.

With that knowledge deeply abiding in you, please allow yourself to always surrender to any emotion and thought emerging from your unconsciousness ready to be healed under light in your pure consciousness. Please know that all is just an energy, nothing more or less.

My healing was never possible without incredible support from kazumi, yuko kasamura, both my beloved mom and dad. My wisdom was never here without rupert spira, eckhart tolle, kasaam shaan, paul david, mitch sanker, matthew pallett, irene lyon and very importantly sen from calmdownmind.

And foremost without you akiko chiba in ishigaki island it was not possible for me to surrender to numerous hyperventilational panic attacks that got me faint, to release deep heavy energy in a safe & comfortable retreat house and to know what living and loving life is about. Sometimes you’re too far spiritual than I am, but you’re my sister / savior from another planet nonetheless. Incredible past two months with full of miracles and yet another fun two months ahead.

Trust the intelligence of your own healing power within. Energy being released just matches its flavor in a form of thoughts and emotions. Abide in quiteness when experiencing such energy being released by feeling its mere sensations. When you’re experiencing fear, how does any of your body part feel for ya?

Even if you fail in any of the process, you’re absolutely okay. Sometimes you doubt your recovery. And that’s absolutely okay. You feel weak and powerless through this dark night of the soul. That’s of course okay. Too okay.

Surrender. Everything is okay.