journey to self 🌈
november 10th, 2024.
welcome to my blog with the most cheesiest name ever: journey to self. yikes. recently ive been thinking a lot about this and what kind of person i am/what kind of person i want to be. my first step is getting to know what kind of person i am so that i can be the kind of person i want to be. whether its about my sexuality, future job, personality… life is just confusing me to the fullest. ugh. so i decided to at least write down what im thinking and also use this as a platform to sort out what i read because i cannot remember anything i read to save my life.
anyway ive really felt out of touch with myself recently.
2024 was a great life-changing year in terms of my queerness though. for the first time in my life, i started coming out to people and i also met sooo many queer people to the point that i sometimes forget that being straight is the norm. and pop stars like chappell roan, billie eilish, and reneé rapp taking over the world with their explicitly lesbian music which i absolutely love. a lot of the people i know are in same-sex relationships and that makes me so happy.
but ive come to face another problem:
"what is love?".
why do i have the most cheesiest questions in the world. but in all seriousness, what is love?? this question has been haunting me for a while and im confused more than ever.
all my life i thought i liked girls. i pushed those feeling down deeply and disassociated myself from my feelings so i never had to/tried to think about love. but this year after coming to terms with my sexuality and actually letting myself try to feel "love" i realized its not all that black and white. i like guys as well. maybe i dont. maybe i do. who knows?
is love having your heart pound so hard when youre with that person? or is it wanting to spend every minute with that person? or is it wanting to kiss them? (or wanting to be them? haha)
because as a gal thats been closeted and disconnected with her feelings for so long, i frankly cannot tell whatsoever what love is. and i need desperate help. especially as a queer girl, what is the difference between platonic and romantic love? i can and have loved my friends platonically, but even when i look back, its not like i wanted to kiss them or anything. or is that just me still being disconnected with my feelings because i still think loving a girl as a girl is wrong #comphet . there's also this overarching issue of i dont love myself enough to love other people.
ugh why is it so hard to love people romantically. do i need therapy??
anyways, graciously accepting any and all advice :))))
off to read a new book "LIFE is in the transitions mastering change at any age" by bruce feiler. so far kinda cheesy but you know what its probably perfect for me.
