the psychiatry administration building [august begins, it all blends into one]

oof. what a crazy week. i started my audition rotation at the emergency psychiatry department on monday, it’s the place where people go when they are having a mental health crisis. 

on my period now so I’ve been feeling heavy and slow and like things are 3x harder than they should be… so considering that, I think I’m doing well. as well as I can be doing anyways.

it’s thursday, and it feels like this is the first time I’ve really been able to catch my breath so far. these past few days when I got home (late), I still felt tense because a knew that there was something I needed to complete, but I felt so drained at the end of each day that I could only chip away at it, little by little. I’m thankful that somehow today during my later, brief lunch in a very busy day, I was able to finish that task. I really do feel like I can relax now. or atleast that I deserve to relax now for a day, just recover, rest. tomorrow is friday! as much as I am enjoying my experience there, I am eager to just let my body and mind rest so that I can return fully recharged. 

I haven’t been eating as much because it has been so busy, so I don’t have much of an appetite. but that’s okay, just how it goes. I’ve also been wearing the same scrubs 4 days in a row and progressively become minimal with my makeup lol…. I guess that’s also how it goes. 

well, besides all that, I really treasured getting to shower today. well, having enough energy to shower. and having this time to write now, with the front door open and warm summer air gently flowing in and making the curtains shimmer. 

every morning, it is beautiful to drive on the open, expansive highways with the mountains next to my side. even though I see the same view every morning, I still find myself taking pictures of the mountains every time I walk into the emergency department back entrance where the ambulances are parked. as I walk up the hill, I feel the warmth of the sun, feel the big blue sky, and feel hope rising up, ascending from within me along my gaze to the mountain crest. I know it sounds silly to love a place so much because of the comfort that the strong, wide base of the mountains brings, the scent of clean dirt, crisp air, horses meandering through the serene morning atmosphere, it is a special place to be in. I could imagine that if I worked there, maybe had a little more time, I could bring my lunch to one of the little secluded tables at the edge of the hospital campus near the mountain base and just space out, eat lunch in solitude with the mountain there. 

I also like the scent of the hallway in the psychiatric emergency department. it doesn’t smell like the normal kind of strong anti-septic alcohol smell that penetrates your lungs in hospitals, you don’t hear all the beeps of machines (although you may occasionally hear someone screaming through a psychotic break… just rarely). it smells like…. hmm  this is very specific but it smells homey, like the rural public health department I once worked with on indigenous land in Taiwan. nostalgic, comforting. same with the doctor’s room, even without windows, it’s pretty comfortable. I wonder if I can bring my aromatherapy diffuser in there…