gliding over minor irritations

the curse of the perfectionist. since arising this morning everything felt off. it seemed all the dust sitting in the crevices of the house caught my eye. waking up not well rested in the heat. my partner had to raise his voice at homeless drunk man who was trying to break into the garage area. an hour spent on the phone “waking my brain up” on the couch. oh, why is it so hot?

I had to redo my hair several times and even then, I’m one bobby pin short. a tendril of bangs keeps coming in front of my eyes no matter how many times I push it behind my ear. the floor doesn’t feel comfortable to walk on even though it feels as if I just cleaned it recently. organizing the living room, wiping down surfaces again. why is there so much dust, where does it come from?! draw the blinds to help with the heat. re-align the spines of books, wipe down the kitchen table and countertops. listen to shower on vinyl again. take out the trash. give the laundry unit in the corner of the room the evil eye (as well as the pile of laundry) because the repair is still not yet finished. 

at the same time, all the things I felt I had failed to do because of a lack of time, or energy, seemed to come back to haunt me. yesterday I spent most of the day calling several lines, sorting out neglected matters related to finances and requirements (the most boring kinds of affairs), which really took more energy from me than I thought required. a very long session in the evening on career advising. hmmmm. I’ll have to leave the house soon for all the errands…

on the bright side, cleaning up the space a bit, as painstakingly annoying it was, helped me feel better, little by little. yes I think overall I do feel exhausted by everything, and at this point I just want to do what needs to be done as I don’t have much energy or desire left to chase all the “extra” things (excel-ing at extracurriculars, attending every single friend’s wedding, pursuing every single thing on my to do list or aspiration)… I suppose this is just the pace and phase of life I am in. I think if I can just focus on the present, as I did when I was cleaning, just inch ahead little by little, I’ll get to where I need to be, and I’ll get to a place of peace and enjoyment. 

ayah. okay. writing helps too. just minor things. I’ll make myself a smoothie for breakfast before heading out.

until next time~