kaiju again :(

ohhhh man. the past 2 days were pure hell of PMDD. it really hasn’t been this bad in a long time, where I completely turned into a kaiju and felt like I couldn’t understand or control myself at all. irritation to anger to anxiety to exhaustion to crying with my whole body to dissasociating… it is a scary feeling I haven’t experienced in a long time. 

during the peak of it, there was thankfully a small part of me that still knew “this would pass” and it would be better in just a day or two of time, but the pull of the other half, the kaiju, was so strong that it kept pulling me into its grip. negative all consuming thoughts like “you hate yourself, your partner doesn’t like you, everything is grey when you wake up and what if it continues to be like that every single day, you are lazy because you don’t have energy to do anything, there is no meaning in life.” I found it difficult because usually if I can get up and do something to distract myself it helps, which I tried to do when I attempted to focus on doing housework, but I ended but just feeling like my mind disconnected from my body and I was observing my hands washing the plate, watching the water running, completely dissasociated, when before I knew it my vision was clouded by tears which turned into a violent, whole body kind of cry. so I went to take rest but at the vulnerable, exhausted state, I felt the voice of the kaiju pull me in.

thankfully, I woke up yesterday and this morning feeling like my normal, clear-headed self. it’s shocking how different I feel today, the past few days I kept waking up with the feeling of deep hopelessness, but its even hard to put it that way, because it was less a FEELING of hopelessness and more like my body KNEW everything was hopeless. there was no separation between my thoughts and my body, and that’s what was really scary to me. but now I feel light, neutral, calm, at peace…. and I can think about all the things I look forward to. things are not heavy anymore, and I have a kind of mental clarity. 

now that I’m finally clear minded again, I want to do as much as I can to prevent this kind of situation from happening again. or atleast to prepare for it better, to be able to guide myself through that time when and if it comes again. some simple things I can think of, changing my medications during pre menstrual phase, scheduling consistent therapy either right before or during my menstrual days, not scheduling anything important or stressful 3 days leading up to or 3 days into my period, having a better awareness of where I am in my cycle and using that as a tool to understand my confusing emotions. of course I think also I will try taking supplements, being more active, being more hydrated, putting up signs around the house for myself to remember when it is ‘kaiju time’ and things I should / should not do… hopefully this combination of many different approaches will help. fingers crossed…

until next time~