"4 Tips for Overcoming the Frustration of ‘Not Being Able to Convey Your Thoughts’"
Have you ever experienced a situation where you struggled to communicate your opinions or proposals effectively, leaving you feeling frustrated? Have you wondered what went wrong or how you could improve when your message didn't resonate?
I've faced this challenge repeatedly, learning through trial and error. To help both myself and others, I've organized some insights on what I call the "Ability to Communicate Effectively" and want to share them here.
This ability is crucial not only in the workplace but also in daily life as we navigate relationships with others. If this resonates with you, I hope these insights will be helpful.
When Do "Words" Fail to communicate?
An ancient Chinese proverb offers valuable perspective:
"There are four difficulties in communication. Clarifying the person, clarifying yourself, clarifying the matter, clarifying the timing. If even one of these lacks clarity, the message will not be delivered."
In simpler term, "To communicate message effectively, there are 4 challenging points. Among 'Person' (Listener), 'Self' (Yourself), 'Matter' (Content), and 'Timing', if any one of these is unclear, message will not be delivered effectively."
While I often impatiently wonder, "Why isn't this getting through?" pausing to reflect on these four elements helps me see where improvement is possible. Let's explore each point in detail.
"Person": Understanding the Listener
Even though we know understanding the listener is important, why do we still struggle?
①Believing Correctness Guarantees Understanding
I tend to be careless about this myself, often neglecting the effort to know and understand the other person, getting caught up in my own sense of "Correctness".
②Pushing Communication When the Listener Isn't Ready
Sometimes, our desire to be understood turns into a self-centered approach. If the listener isn't in a position to receive your words—perhaps due to a lack of trust or readiness—it's better to pause and reassess. Consider questions like:
・"How can I create a situation where they're more open to my message?"
・"Who might they trust more to deliver this message?"
・"Should I wait for a better time?"
③Understanding Human Nature
Understanding the fundamental nature of people is crucial. For instance, people tend to:
・Dislike troublesome things
・Resist change
・Find it difficult to directly say "no"
・Be easily influenced by surrounding opinions in group settings
Failing to understand these characteristics and believing you've understood through superficial communication can lead to communication failure.
"Self": Understanding Yourself and Others' Perception
①Avoid"Borrowed words"
The first step is understanding yourself. Words that don't match your true self become "borrowed words" even if they're technically correct. If you forcibly adjust your values, say things you don't mean, or pretend to understand things you're not good at, these words won't reach the other person's heart.
②Understanding How Others Perceive You
Consider context and credibility. For example:
・An Apple CEO speaking about business will naturally attract professional interest
・Famous soccer commentators are chosen for TV broadcasts because viewers recognize and trust them
Even without such grand examples, it's important to objectively consider how others see you at school or work.
For example, if someone known for being chronically late gives a lecture about following rules, their message will likely be dismissed.
③The importance of Self-Disclosure
Helping others understand who you are is crucial. This doesn't mean formal introductions, but expressing yourself through daily words and actions. Moreover, when you share about yourself, others are more likely to reciprocate, creating opportunities to deepen mutual understanding.
"Matter": Clearly Understanding and Simplifying Your Message
Among the four elements, many people struggle with the "matter" part. This is because both "① clearly understanding what you want to communicate" and "② simplifying it after understanding" require continuous effort and practice.
①Clearly Understanding What You Want to Communicate
The challenge often begins with insufficient input. When writing or preparing to communicate, I frequently discover gaps in my understanding.
The key is making "One more step of effort" instead of leaving understanding incomplete. This might involve:
i ) Confirming understanding Through Self-Dialogue
・Examine the grounds for your message
・Identify concrete examples
・Consider potential counterarguments
・Test your ability to summarize and explain
ii) Attempting Output
・Writing key points in bullet points
・Create diagrams
・Identify and fill gaps in understanding
②Continuous Effort to Simplify
I used to struggle with organizing thoughts, often taking 30 minutes to explain something simple. The solution isn't perfection, but persistent improvement.
Even dedicating 5-10 minutes to refining your communication can yield significant results:
・Reference presentation formats from skilled communicators
・Use AI tools like ChatGPT or Claude to help organize text
・Analyze the differences between your original and refined versions
③Creating Output with the Listener in Mind
As a supplement to the "Person" section, it's also important to create output after considering "how to understand the other person".
For example, when reporting to your boss at work, consider:
What kind of person is this boss?
Are they seeking only direction and summary?
Do they want to confirm implementation details?
Do they prefer confirmation based on numbers?
How much background of the report do they already understand? Consider the other person's personality, values, and level of understanding.
By appropriately organizing necessary information and adjusting the quantity and quality of output, you can communicate more effectively.
Timing: Choosing the Right Moment to Communicate
①Clarity of Key Elements
As the saying goes, "To communicate message effectively, there are 4 difficult points. Among 'Person' (Listener), 'Self' (Yourself), 'Matter' (Content), and 'Timing', if even one point lacks clarity, message will not be conveyed."
If any of these three are not clear, it might not be the right time to communicate. However, if you absolutely must communicate in a time-limited situation, approach it with maximum effort.
②Building Trust
For example, it would be difficult to accept a sudden request from someone you've just met and have no trust relationship with. This is an extension of point ①, and you can only build trust gradually through daily interactions.
③Considering the Other Person's State
This might seem obvious, but people are often unintentionally careless about it. I myself sometimes speak immediately when something comes to mind or respond emotionally without pause. Therefore, I want to make an effort to take a breath before communicating.
Conclusion: Turning "Challenges" into an Opportunity for Growth
Rather than becoming frustrated when communication fails, view it as an opportunity for personal development. By taking an extra step to organize your thoughts, you can transform uncertainty into a path of improvement.
Living in Tanzania, I've learned that while many things seem beyond our control, we can always work on ourselves. Communication challenges are not just obstacles but chances to grow.
By turning our communication frustrations inward—analyzing and improving our approach—we can gradually enhance our skills. More importantly, this effort can become a bridge to mutual understanding, allowing us to approach challenges with a positive, forward-looking attitude.
If these insights can help even slightly in moving towards more effective communication, I would be truly delighted!