こんにちは

That scarey feeling your brain realises that everything comes from fear. Fear of attachments, which means you are scared both getting and losing attachments. One day you are standing in front of bright pool and eye-tasting yellow bikini and those cocktail glasses. You can jump into the sparkle, warm pool but you can also get drunk into the light falling light from the sun through yellow beach umbrella. And suddenly you get the scarey feeling out of nowhere and wonder why I feel this way. Because your feet are already in there.  You certainly do not have to worry about losing your toys. Then, why are you so scared suddenly?  Why now?

I know. Because you are losing your mom. Because you are scared of losing your mom. You have to do something. 

By the way, the reason why you are scared at the moment, is that you realise the fact that even the connection between you and your mom only came from your fear. Just the same thing as homework. Just the same thing as a guy. You felt it at the pool where you had chances to do anything. When you get the chance to do everything, you feel fear.  Why? Because you have to do things right. You cannot be wrong. You are addicted to perfection of the "chance". You feel like you have to do everything perfectly, which is insane and illusional. You can only feel perfection in your brain. Your actual act is nothing as perfection but everything is perfection. Because if the perfection comes from the knowledge about everything -literally "EVERYTHING"-,  no person on the planet can do anything perfect. 
By the way, does human kind's science knows the end of the universe??
NO. We human doesn't know where the universe ends and what is in there.
So when we say perfect, we do not mean "Everything in this universe approve this", but we mean "Everything in my universe approve this". So you set a range that judge your work or situations. You can only feel perfection inside the range. 
So, every action you take or every situation you are in is perfect. And not perfect. 

You hate fearness. Of course. But you cannot live without it. You live still because you feel fear. Fear of losing. Fear of hurting. 

Sometimes you maybe feel like you are being pulled back by fear. Of course you hate it I imagine. And I feel the same way. I do sometimes ignore the fear and just let go.
Maybe you just do the same thing.

 You are right.

2022.01.31 Mon