07.09.24 | I'm scared

[ venting about life ]

My mom is very ill...
She is afraid to go to the doctor to get a diagnosis, so she tried to self medicate with random stuff. It breaks my heart and I am so so scared. She is in her 60s and my dad is in his 80s. My dad is also not doing good and I'm sick to my stomach if anything happens to them. I have been crying every day.

 My dad told me today that I should do more to support her and of course I will give my absolute best to help where I can. She had cancer in the past when I was a teen and the fear that it comes back is always in the back of my mind. She coughs a lot of times and her neck is swollen for over a year. I think she got trauma of doctors because they were horrible to her when she had cancer..😭

I can't drive, I don't have a full-time job, since I work for her in the office. If both of my parents die, I will be in very big trouble. It's eating me alive. I worry so so much for their health, to the point where I can't get anything done. I've seen my aunt die and it was extremely traumatic for everyone.

I already think about funerals and being alone here and it gives the worst panic attack ever. I don't know how I can convince her to go to the doctor. She will get really upset if I even mention it. 💔😔
I have some mental health problems, so I'm not fully independent like others my age and i feel totally helpless. I'm trying to stay strong for everyone but it's destroying me so much.

Thank you for reading. 🖤