Different.

Hello, this is clarky luna.

The piece last time was to commemorate CHICKEN BLOW THE IDOL's anniversary of coming to the Philippines for the first time. I apologize for not giving a heads-up prior. I'll try to put a notice for future pieces like that next time.

I hated high school. I only have a few memories of that time because of how I hated it. It was probably the time when I decided "I don't want to be the smart kid anymore" and indulged in other interests such as arcade and computer games. Eventually I got into playing music instruments and joining a rock band with my childhood friends. Even so, I was still regarded as a "smart kid" since I was still in the academic ranks, just not on the Top 5 or so. 

However, that "smart kid" notion came with other remarks. "Weirdo", "the kid who talked alone", "introvert", "ugly", that sort of stuff ("autistic" and "retarded" didn't have the context they have now back then). High school was my first rodeo of being left out on friend groups. When I try to mingle with a friend group, I just end up being awkward to them, likely due to mismatched interests and personalities. So I often end up alone with my thoughts. I tend to murmur thoughts like "what am I gonna do this afternoon" or "which homework should I do first" so people might have picked up on that and got the notion of "nagsasalita yan mag-isa" (he talks alone). Also, adolescence did me dirty during that time and my face had bad, like really bad acne. So teenage romance and puppy love were out of the picture for me back then. I remember getting laughed at for having a crush on a female classmate so I actively avoided that kind of interaction as a result. People bullied me at some capacity: classmates, peers, even a teacher. 

At our graduation day, I simply wanted everything to be over. Those classmates who bullied me did approach me and apologized but I wanted them out of my face as for me, their apology meant nothing. My good memories of that time was from outside of school. So I hated high school and repressed my memories of it afterwards.

Thus, from that point, I developed the notion that being weird isn't okay and anything aside from normal will be frowned upon by society.

Fast forward to present time - now there's the concept of mental health, special needs, LGBTQ+ and other similar things. Suddenly, being weird is okay. Deviating from normalcy is celebrated. Society now accepts the very concepts I was bullied for back in high school. 

I am an outcast once more for being 'normal'.

This is just… unfair. Do I have to become an idiot to find company? Do I have to be retarded just to gain appreciation? What if I wasn't the "smart kid" and I was the stupid bully who had lots of friends? Would I have had a happier childhood, something I won't need to forget? Would my adulthood been easier to bear knowing that I am always validated by the law and society because of these special needs?

So now, I'm supposed to hate people "within the spectrum", right?

I honestly don't know.

For the past few years, I've had the opportunity to know the stories of some of those people. Their circumstances, their grievances to an extent. To oversimplify it, it's not all positives for them.

At this point, there's already a part of me who harbors dislike for those people, because my personality won't simply be compatible with the likes of them. But I will make it a point to at least hear them out.

It's not their fault that they are the "normal" of this time. I'm just mad that I've been left out by people for most of my life.

I'm sorry if this is a lot. I hope I can still see you next time.

Thank you for reading. Let's meet another time.