Remarkable.

Hello, this is clarky luna.

Remember last time, when I told you that I'm not a remarkable person? It's not that I'm degrading myself as some worthless individual; it's just that, for a considerably long time, I've positioned myself to the idea that I am "average".

I don't believe it entirely though - I genuinely believe that there are a couple of things where I'm good at and not just "average". But what usually happens is that, when I do something I'm considerably good at, people around me regard it as "normal". "He's a smart guy, of course he knows that." "He's experienced, of course he's dependable." These are some positive remarks I truly appreciate, but I feel like I don't progress with my actions and every effort I exert falls into "the usual", or "what's expected". Whereas, for example, when other people do the same stuff, they are showered with praise as if they are the greatest to ever do it.

There is indeed a sense of envy from this seemingly lack of affirmation on my end. "What if I was a stupid idiot instead? Would I have gained more attention and praise when I do menial things? Or, what if I was the obnoxious bully and not the timid nerd in high school? Would I have gained more friends (yes men) and lived a happy teenage life instead of the one I've already buried into my subconscious? Or, what if I was the type of person who spreads toxic positivity instead of the realist ideals I currently believe in? Would my life have been happier?"

In the creative projects that I have handled or was in, most of the time someone else gets the credit. Even in my band now, it's the vocalist and guitarist who gets the over-the-top compliments while I get plain remarks like "you're good at the drums". I'll admit, I struggled with dealing with this situation for a long time. It was a really bad case of "the grass is greener on the other side". 

"Focus on your losses more and you'll fail to see the things you have right now."

Instant gratification is just too tempting of a concept that I still fret from time to time over not being showered with it. I just do my best to cling to a rational mindset that the qualities and abilities that I have now will give me long-term benefits and not just a temporary high.

"Appreciate what you have and make the most out of it."
"If your environment do you more harm than good, leave and find another."
"Look inward and outward to address your mistakes."
"It is fine to have moments of weakness, but correct yourself immediately."

These are some ideals I practice to defeat my sense of envy. I know it will always be with me, but I believe a more positive mindset can neutralize it so I can live a contented life. It's an everyday learning experience.

So, am I remarkable? I might never be the "main character" that I think other people are, but if it's worth a peaceful life without worry and envy, I'll take it.  

Thank you for reading. Let's meet another time.