Are men and women treated equally in the workplace these days?

Theme

●Write an essay on the given TOPIC.
●Use Two of the Points below to support your answer.
●Structure: Introduction, main body, and conclusion
●Suggested length: 120-150 words

TOPIC
　Are men and women treated equally in the workplace these days?

POINTS
　●Salary
　●Job Opportunity
　●Child Raising
　●Custom

引用元
https://eslclub.jp/blog/eiken-pre1-writing/

My essay

These days, the issue related to gender equality is discussed in many areas in the world, one of which is in the workplace. In spite of a lot of effort by those involved, unfortunately, we cannot say that men and women are treated equally in every workplace. (47words)

First of all, the equality in salary between men and women has not realized yet. In Japan, women are sometimes put in the situation where they have to leave work temporalily or completely because of childbirth or child raising. Then, women end up earning less money than men. (48words)

Here is another fact to support my opinion. When it comes to taking a parental leave, it is harder for men to get it than women do. I believe this situation is the result of Japanese old prototype: man work, and women protect family. This has kept men from child raising and led to increase women's burden for a long time. (61words)

As I mentioned above, I do not think gender equality in workplace is not fully achived at least in Japan. I strongly hope that this situation will be improved as soon as possible so that both men and women can work equally and have a better life.(47words)

Self Analysis

・201 words in total!! I exceeded the standerd :(
・It took me 40 minutes to complete, although I wrote slowly using the Internet.
・How many words should be divided into each paragraph?
・Should I write Intro and Conclu shorter?

→IntroとConcluは簡潔に！してみよう